It Only Hurt a Bit, and I Still Feel Like Shit. (Part 2.)

• New Home! 2004 to Present
  For this section I think I will explain in grades..
  
  GRADE 5 [2004/2005] - New school, public school. I wasn't used to them and had no idea what to expect. The girls were more mature fashion wise and were more developed than me. I felt so out of place. I made some friends but they weren't true friends because I don't talk to any of them anymore. I also got in a lot of fights with girls in that class. I don't think anyone liked me much.
  GRADE 6 [2005/2006]- Started Junior High! Made a few friends, no one great though. Didn't have as many problems with friends but I still felt behind. I had bad skin in grade 6 and was pretty much the only one. And my hair was ugly. People made fun of me.
  GRADE 7 [2006/2007] - I started to realise what type of people would accept me and what type wouldn't. I was still very self conscious and awkward. My depression started in the beginning of 2008, I went to the doctors because of my lack of energy. I had several blood tests done because they didn't realise what really was wrong. People started to doubt that anything was wrong and that I was doing it for attention - this just made it worse. I started getting hurt more at gymnastics, and people doubted that too, even my mom thought my injuries were fake.
  
  ~The summer between grade 7 and grade 8 was when I first started cutting, I sliced at my wrist some but it wasn't that bad and healed kind of quick. Instead I'd beat myself, and pull hair.
  
  GRADE 8 [2007/2008] - I had one friend that year. She put up with me so well, thank you! My depression got worse and I became suicidal. It was a daily thought for me and I actually attempted a few times, obviously those attempts failed. (They included suffocation and strangulation) There were many more times where I couldn't stand life anymore and just wanted to scream and die but couldn't, it's hard to explain really. I cried so many times.
  GRADE 9 [2008/2009]- Still depressed, at it was at the worst but I hid it from everyone, even my friend who knew about it the year before. I started making friends for once, probably because I wasn't a grouch all the time. Ha ha. But inside I was dying. I'd go home and just collapse and cry for hours.
  In February my "best friend" (the one who knew I was depressed, she didn't know I still was) got a boyfriend. This caused a lot of problems between us because I felt so rejected and lonely. We used to spend all our time together but now we didn't. One day I almost cried at school after yelling at her in front of the class (both way outside my norm.)
  March is the first memory I have of me skipping meals; I came home from gymnastics one night and just looked at the food my mom saved for me, then flushed it down the toilet. That month I also started purging, but I wouldn't throw up very much at all.
  For rest of the school year I watched what I ate, I started to eat healthier. I didn't really lose any weight, maybe only a couple pounds if I did.
  After school got out for the summer that's when Anorexia hit. I went from almost 130lbs to 115lbs in less than a month. I wanted to lose more but my family and friends interfered and pushed food at me, so I gained about 10lbs. This caused me to start purging a lot more, it was after every full meal I had. I lost 5lbs. For rest of the summer my weight was at 115lbs and I ate, not enough for my size technically, but not enough to lose much weight either, my parents were watchful.
  GRADE 10 [2009/2010] - High school! When school began I was at about 117lbs, but i dropped to 113lbs within the first week. I maintained that weight for about a month until I went back up to 115lbs. I was still purging and restricting but I had started to binge also, so my weight didn't change much.
  My depression came back. In the summer it felt like it was gone, but really it wasn't, I had masked it with my "eating disorder." I started to cut, just on my hips where no one would see.
  In early November I was in rough shape. I felt alone and lost, I was losing the friends I had made in grade 9 and I felt like I didn't belong anywheres, I felt odd, I felt numb, I felt fake. I ended up overdosing on a mixture of pain killers. I didn't end up in the hospital but I was out sick from school for a week - my symptoms were a lot like those of the swine flu and that's what I told everyone I had.
  I started binging and purging on the weekends and Tuesdays. But in December my anorexic tendencies came back and I dropped from 117lbs to 109lbs quickly, giving me a BMI of 16.4. I was at my lowest weight on Christmas Eve, and I was happy with it. But then all the candy and pressure from family members making me eat caused me to gain. I went into a vicious binge and purge cycle for rest of the break from school and it continued.
  Oh, and even since October friends had been making comments about my weight.

• Where Am I Now?Now I am addicted to Tylenol, and sadly I am almost immune to it.I've started drinking a lot too. I haven't cut in awhile, but I have many scars all over my body - on both arms, my ankles, my stomach, my hips, my feet, and my thighs.
  My purging has gotten a lot worse (sadly, so has my binging.) My teeth are showing signs of it. I still have anorexic tendencies, and when I do they are bad. Somedays I am terrified to drink water or eat a salad. I have gone to extreme lengths when purging, I'll purge in my room and leave it there (in a container of course) until I get the chance to empty it. Or I'll go for a walk and purge in bushes. I even have drank Hydrogen Peroxide to induce vomitting. I WOULDN'T SUGGEST ANY OF THESE METHODS!
  My weight is disgusting, I am almost back to where I was before all this shit started.
  My grades are starting to drop a lot. Since the beginning of junior high I was an "Honors with Distinction" student and cared about my marks, I had never failed a test. But now I hardly care, I rarely do my homework and I have failed four tests since the beginning or March .. oh won't my mom be happy.
  
  Anyways, thats basically all I have to say for now.
  If you actually read all this, I am amazed! Please don't be hater, I came out here and posted this hoping people will understand, will be less judgemental of others, and be more accpeting and understanding of those with mental health issues.