So I screwed up both days, I won't go into detail but I've gained 5lbs back (probably mostly water weight.) It was from major stress about school.
Last night I purged a lot, I almost passed out. And I felt like I had ripped something in my stomach, the pain was intense. Even though I purged everything my stomach got VERY swollen and bloated, up to my chest. I was terrified that I was bleeding interally! But this morning it was pretty much gone, I had very bad cramps in my legs last night from low potassium though.
I'm sick of messing up. I'm so glad that tomorrow is May 1st, I'm going to leave binging and purging behind, along with cutting. Thats not who I want to be. I miss being the tiny me, the me who had control over food (well actually my ED did, but yeah, you get the point.) I've become this way because of trying to conform to people's opinions and ways of life. But this isn't the right way for me.
So I will still diet until I'm satisfied, satisfaction comes at 110lbs or less.
But a few changes to my diet. No toast in the morning except for once a week. Hot chocolate only three times a week and no pasta at all. Basically I am going to have three small servings of fruit or veggies during the day, and no supper if I can get away with it.
My life has been all sdngafbhja this month. I think I will post a monthly reflection later.
Last night I was talking to Jeff. :)
Here is a bit of our conversation, I feel like we both love each other much so (even though he has a girlfriend) but just won't say it, it's a different type of love. Like not the sexual type, but the understanding and close feeling.
(8:46 PM) ME,: hello
(8:46 PM) HIM: HELLO!
you're awesome
btw
like i just wanna hug you
*big hug*
thank you very much
It made me smile so much! (and yes I replaced our names with 'me' and 'him')
It was really random and niether of us knew where it came from lol.
Today wasn't all that bad. I had a history test and I'm confident that I passed, I failed the last one. That class is so hard! :(
And after school my friend 'May' came over to work on a project, and then we chilled for a bit.
We've only become friends this year even though we knew each other since grade 6. But we hated each other in grade 8 because my one friend in junior high used to be her best friend and a lot of problems and fights were caused around that. We're cool now though. :)
But, she doesn't know about my ED or cutting or anything.
It was great having a friend from school over, I haven't in a long time! Like a really long time, ahahaa.
Well, I don't really feel like talking much more. Bye for now!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Deit, Day 3 of 14
This morning I woke up late again, didn't have time for breakfast (had to exercise though!) and didn't have time to make myself a lunch. I decided I'd water fast.
When Igot home I realised I wouldhave to have supper tonight, usually I'm not home for supper Wednesdays but I was today and had no way out of it.
Supper was spaghetti. Carb alert! D: I thought I'd fruit before it so I wouldn't fill up on spaghetti. I took an apple to my room and tried to eat it.
But I couldn't, I got no more than half eaten before I gave up, it was just too painful and I was scared of it, felt ugly, and fat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat it but I just couldn't.
When supper was served I almost cried when I looked at my plate, I wanted to eat it but I didn't , you know? And I knew I'd have to force myself to because my whole family was there. Plus spaghetti used to be (and my mom thinks still is) my favorite meal. I was the last one done, usually I am the first just so I can get away from the supper table.
I think the carbs set off a 'binge tigger' in me, because after that I snuck big bowl of icecream and five (yes, fuckmylife, FIVE) cookies to my room and stuffed them in my face in a matter of seconds. Then I purged and cut.
Gah! So I broke two of my rules, no ice cream and no baked goods. * sad face *
PLUS, there was meat in the spaghetti sauce (and meatballs, but I asked to not have them) I tried to not eat the sauce - didn't mix it in with my spaghetti jsut left it on top.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. I can try again.
But I'm scared that the amount of carbs I've had today will make me gain weight.
I haven't weighed myself today, I'll wait for tomorrow since theres probabl water weight right now.
But because of the extra crazy amount of carbs today, I won't have toast for the next few days and I will do extra cardio too.
When Igot home I realised I wouldhave to have supper tonight, usually I'm not home for supper Wednesdays but I was today and had no way out of it.
Supper was spaghetti. Carb alert! D: I thought I'd fruit before it so I wouldn't fill up on spaghetti. I took an apple to my room and tried to eat it.
But I couldn't, I got no more than half eaten before I gave up, it was just too painful and I was scared of it, felt ugly, and fat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat it but I just couldn't.
When supper was served I almost cried when I looked at my plate, I wanted to eat it but I didn't , you know? And I knew I'd have to force myself to because my whole family was there. Plus spaghetti used to be (and my mom thinks still is) my favorite meal. I was the last one done, usually I am the first just so I can get away from the supper table.
I think the carbs set off a 'binge tigger' in me, because after that I snuck big bowl of icecream and five (yes, fuckmylife, FIVE) cookies to my room and stuffed them in my face in a matter of seconds. Then I purged and cut.
Gah! So I broke two of my rules, no ice cream and no baked goods. * sad face *
PLUS, there was meat in the spaghetti sauce (and meatballs, but I asked to not have them) I tried to not eat the sauce - didn't mix it in with my spaghetti jsut left it on top.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. I can try again.
But I'm scared that the amount of carbs I've had today will make me gain weight.
I haven't weighed myself today, I'll wait for tomorrow since theres probabl water weight right now.
But because of the extra crazy amount of carbs today, I won't have toast for the next few days and I will do extra cardio too.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Diet, Day 2 of 14
I'm guilty. I binged last night. ON BANANAS!
So not too bad! I had 7 or 8 bananas, which adds at least 800 calories to my total for yesterday. But that's better than having 800 calories of ice cream that's filled with fat.
Today has been ok.
I got up and exercised right away, then had my toast with jam as planned.
But then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:00am. Late for school! My mom called in so I could take my time getting ready and walking there.
But this set me off. Before I left I ate pineapple and cantaloupe, I didn't count the calories so I'm guessing 150. There also was this French Vanilla Fruit Dip and I finished that off - 45 calories for three tablespoons and fat free, I think i had about 150 calories worth. I'm still annoyed by it, and I did purge a bit.
Then after school I made fruit salad (one banana, four apples, honeydew melon, tsp lemon juice and two oranges = 750 calories.)
I ate most of that spread out this evening.
My mom asked me if I wanted some supper and I plainly said "No." (Funny thing is, right after that she told my sister to come down and have supper.)
When I was getting more fruit salad she said I should have vegetables. So I had baby carrots, cucumber and red pepper, no more than 100 calories.
So my total for today is 1255 calories. Uhm .... yuck. I can't believe I had that much. Ugghh. But I guess it's not bad for a 'normal diet' and it all (besides the dip and toast) was in raw fruits or vegetables, plus it's better having that spread out all day than in two minutes in ice cream like when I binge. (Not doing that ever again ..)
And I've managed to avoid the chocolate chip cookies my mom bought today! I want one but I just can't have it, so I didn't. They just sat there on the counter while I was making my fruit salad and I wasn't tempted. I took three and threw them out to make it look like I had some though.
I still need to exercise a lot. I had planned on going for a run but it is, was, raining. I still might go. And then I'll do extra stuff after since I missed exercising after school.
Oh, and I weighed myself before I left for school.
I am down 4lbs, so I'm at 126lbs.
Not bad for two days of dieting. I'm going to pump up the cardio and lower the calories, might even water or liquid fast for a day or two, so that I can get to 120lbs by the end of the month.
Now for none diet news...
I've realised that my self esteem has gotten so low, because another reason I was later getting up is that I feel so ashamed and ugly that I just want to hide in my bed all day so no one can see my body, even so I can't.
When I was getting dressed I totally avoided looking at my stomach in the mirror, and I didn't even look down at it. Then when I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror after getting dressed I almost cried! I miss being tiny, I miss it, my body has betrayed me, or have I betrayed my body? Aaaaahhh.
I'm so ugly feeling I don't want to live. I may never be beautiful. I may never be thin enough. But I'm going to try.
Ickk, I've also found out that I have a dentist appointment on June 25. I sure hope I haven't done enough damage to my teeth from purging that they'll notice. I'm trying hard to lighten up on it and I'm going to use pro-enamel toothpaste in hopes my teeth get healthier.
Also, May 2nd is my grandfather's birthday. My uncle is having a party and I haven't seen a lot of my family since Christmas. At Christmas I was 15lbs lighter. I am so scared of what they'll say to me. Ahh, i'm going to want to cry, not looking forward to that day.
So not too bad! I had 7 or 8 bananas, which adds at least 800 calories to my total for yesterday. But that's better than having 800 calories of ice cream that's filled with fat.
Today has been ok.
I got up and exercised right away, then had my toast with jam as planned.
But then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:00am. Late for school! My mom called in so I could take my time getting ready and walking there.
But this set me off. Before I left I ate pineapple and cantaloupe, I didn't count the calories so I'm guessing 150. There also was this French Vanilla Fruit Dip and I finished that off - 45 calories for three tablespoons and fat free, I think i had about 150 calories worth. I'm still annoyed by it, and I did purge a bit.
Then after school I made fruit salad (one banana, four apples, honeydew melon, tsp lemon juice and two oranges = 750 calories.)
I ate most of that spread out this evening.
My mom asked me if I wanted some supper and I plainly said "No." (Funny thing is, right after that she told my sister to come down and have supper.)
When I was getting more fruit salad she said I should have vegetables. So I had baby carrots, cucumber and red pepper, no more than 100 calories.
So my total for today is 1255 calories. Uhm .... yuck. I can't believe I had that much. Ugghh. But I guess it's not bad for a 'normal diet' and it all (besides the dip and toast) was in raw fruits or vegetables, plus it's better having that spread out all day than in two minutes in ice cream like when I binge. (Not doing that ever again ..)
And I've managed to avoid the chocolate chip cookies my mom bought today! I want one but I just can't have it, so I didn't. They just sat there on the counter while I was making my fruit salad and I wasn't tempted. I took three and threw them out to make it look like I had some though.
I still need to exercise a lot. I had planned on going for a run but it is, was, raining. I still might go. And then I'll do extra stuff after since I missed exercising after school.
Oh, and I weighed myself before I left for school.
I am down 4lbs, so I'm at 126lbs.
Not bad for two days of dieting. I'm going to pump up the cardio and lower the calories, might even water or liquid fast for a day or two, so that I can get to 120lbs by the end of the month.
Now for none diet news...
I've realised that my self esteem has gotten so low, because another reason I was later getting up is that I feel so ashamed and ugly that I just want to hide in my bed all day so no one can see my body, even so I can't.
When I was getting dressed I totally avoided looking at my stomach in the mirror, and I didn't even look down at it. Then when I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror after getting dressed I almost cried! I miss being tiny, I miss it, my body has betrayed me, or have I betrayed my body? Aaaaahhh.
I'm so ugly feeling I don't want to live. I may never be beautiful. I may never be thin enough. But I'm going to try.
Ickk, I've also found out that I have a dentist appointment on June 25. I sure hope I haven't done enough damage to my teeth from purging that they'll notice. I'm trying hard to lighten up on it and I'm going to use pro-enamel toothpaste in hopes my teeth get healthier.
Also, May 2nd is my grandfather's birthday. My uncle is having a party and I haven't seen a lot of my family since Christmas. At Christmas I was 15lbs lighter. I am so scared of what they'll say to me. Ahh, i'm going to want to cry, not looking forward to that day.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Diet; Day 1 of 14.
It was so hard to get out of bed tis morning, for I have an awful chest cold and I'm all achy. It's getting better though, depsite the fact that I have pulled a few muscles in my stomach & side from coughing so hard. Oh my, haha. I managed to make it through the day though, it wouldn't have been too bad if I was feeling healthier. In english class we had a substitute and she let us listen to our iPods. THANK HOLY GOD! I love my music and I practically die without it during the school day. xD
I've been doing well today, stuck to my diet plan! I've done all the planned exercise so far too.
For breakfast I had my toast and jam, I didn't have time to make my lunch (I was running ate and was almost late for class this morning) so I didn't bother. After school I had my hot chocolate and for supper we had chicken strips with french fries - I had salad instead of fries. I have also had a banana.
My total calorie intake for today has been 510 calories (approximent.)
This is good, I don't feel like binging and I actually wish I had eaten less. I haven't weighed myself today. But I think I'll wait for tomorrow or when my period stops (wow, first time it actually has been completely normal!)
Right now I am typing up my History Research Paper rough copy, it's due tomorrow and I just started, ah! I need 1500 words a least and so far I only have 415. Ughh. Good thing I don't have gymnastics tonight.
Anyways, I better go, I'm going to type 500 more words and then do my evening exercise and maybe walk to the store to buy a new journal.
Yes, I keep journals. xD
Stay strong everyone!
I've been doing well today, stuck to my diet plan! I've done all the planned exercise so far too.
For breakfast I had my toast and jam, I didn't have time to make my lunch (I was running ate and was almost late for class this morning) so I didn't bother. After school I had my hot chocolate and for supper we had chicken strips with french fries - I had salad instead of fries. I have also had a banana.
My total calorie intake for today has been 510 calories (approximent.)
This is good, I don't feel like binging and I actually wish I had eaten less. I haven't weighed myself today. But I think I'll wait for tomorrow or when my period stops (wow, first time it actually has been completely normal!)
Right now I am typing up my History Research Paper rough copy, it's due tomorrow and I just started, ah! I need 1500 words a least and so far I only have 415. Ughh. Good thing I don't have gymnastics tonight.
Anyways, I better go, I'm going to type 500 more words and then do my evening exercise and maybe walk to the store to buy a new journal.
Yes, I keep journals. xD
Stay strong everyone!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Three bows of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Four blueberry squares.
Three graham crackers with peanut butter.
I just ate all that shit and I wish I hadn't.
I'm fat enough already!
Thank god I'm starting my diet tomorrow.
I'm going to eat as little as possible for as long as possible.
The plan I made will be what I will eat at the MOST.
I want to see how much weight I can lose.
I've found out that I can make the scale go up to 130lbs+
Now it's time to see how low I can go.
Four blueberry squares.
Three graham crackers with peanut butter.
I just ate all that shit and I wish I hadn't.
I'm fat enough already!
Thank god I'm starting my diet tomorrow.
I'm going to eat as little as possible for as long as possible.
The plan I made will be what I will eat at the MOST.
I want to see how much weight I can lose.
I've found out that I can make the scale go up to 130lbs+
Now it's time to see how low I can go.
A New Level Of Control
After fnding out that I don't always pass my work on in time, sometimes dn't do all my homework, and that my grades are dropping a bit my mom decided she needs to step in.
She took my phone away until all my homework is done.
MY GOD DAMN PHONE THAT I BOUGHT, I PAY FOR MONTHLY AND I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
She has decided it distracts me from doing my work.
No.
Just no.
It doesn't.
What distracts me is the fact that I'm suicidal. I get stressed easy, I cut. I binge, I purge, I exercise a lot.
My phone doesn\t negatively affect my school work,
As a matter of fact, it keeps me alive somedays. Because it's one of the two ways I can communicate with Jeff - and he keeps me from killing myself. The only other way I have to talk to him is msn and he's hardly ever on it ...
I need to talk to him!
But I can't get ahold of him, because my mom took my phone.
I wish I could walk to his house, but he lives 100km away.
Fuck my life.
I'm scared for him too, because he also greatly relies on me for his safety, and if he can't get ahold of me either I don't know what will happen.
This control my mom demands to have over me is driving me crazy.
AH!
SORRY IM NOT GOD DAMN PERFEcT. SORRY I DONT DO EVERTHING HOW YOU WANT. BUT I HAVE MY OWN LIFE. I NEED TO CONTROL IT, NOT LIVE IT HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE REAL ME. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT DISTRACTS ME. YOU CANT BE UP MY BACK 24/7. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! YOU MAKE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
if only you knew ...
I hope someday you find this blog and read it.
I want you to feel as bad as you've made me feel. Feel the guilt you cause me, feel the pain I have, and realise I HATE you.
I honestly do.
With my whole god damned heart.
I hate you.
I don't care if you're my mother, and my dad, I hate you.
I hate you for even bringing me into this world.
I hate you for being controlling.
I hate you for expecting so much.
I hate you for being so immature.
I hate you for causing me saddness, guilt, anger.
I hate you for forcing me to eat.
JUST LET ME WASTE AWAY WOULD YOU!?
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
She took my phone away until all my homework is done.
MY GOD DAMN PHONE THAT I BOUGHT, I PAY FOR MONTHLY AND I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
She has decided it distracts me from doing my work.
No.
Just no.
It doesn't.
What distracts me is the fact that I'm suicidal. I get stressed easy, I cut. I binge, I purge, I exercise a lot.
My phone doesn\t negatively affect my school work,
As a matter of fact, it keeps me alive somedays. Because it's one of the two ways I can communicate with Jeff - and he keeps me from killing myself. The only other way I have to talk to him is msn and he's hardly ever on it ...
I need to talk to him!
But I can't get ahold of him, because my mom took my phone.
I wish I could walk to his house, but he lives 100km away.
Fuck my life.
I'm scared for him too, because he also greatly relies on me for his safety, and if he can't get ahold of me either I don't know what will happen.
This control my mom demands to have over me is driving me crazy.
AH!
SORRY IM NOT GOD DAMN PERFEcT. SORRY I DONT DO EVERTHING HOW YOU WANT. BUT I HAVE MY OWN LIFE. I NEED TO CONTROL IT, NOT LIVE IT HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE REAL ME. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT DISTRACTS ME. YOU CANT BE UP MY BACK 24/7. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! YOU MAKE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
if only you knew ...
I hope someday you find this blog and read it.
I want you to feel as bad as you've made me feel. Feel the guilt you cause me, feel the pain I have, and realise I HATE you.
I honestly do.
With my whole god damned heart.
I hate you.
I don't care if you're my mother, and my dad, I hate you.
I hate you for even bringing me into this world.
I hate you for being controlling.
I hate you for expecting so much.
I hate you for being so immature.
I hate you for causing me saddness, guilt, anger.
I hate you for forcing me to eat.
JUST LET ME WASTE AWAY WOULD YOU!?
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
Diet, Day ZERO.
This was supposed to be te first day of my diet, but I was right pissed off when I woke up. I weighed myself. 130lbs. Right where I was a week ago!
So then I went downstairs to the kitchen and binged on toast. I had 7 slices - 75 calories a slice. I had them with buter, jam, nutella, or peanut butter. I even had a couple plain. I am so disgusting.
I'm not going to eat for rest of the day, and later on I am going to go out and buy water pills because I'm very bloated from binging and also from my period. I think they will help me lose water weight. I might take some laxatives too because I feel so filthy inside.
Tomorrow I'll really start it, and since I'll be at school it'll be much easier because I won't hve the time to binge in the morning.
Last week I managed to lose 6lbs in a few days. I hope to do the same.
My goal was to be 120lbs on Wednesday and I am still going to try to make that happen.
Bye.
So then I went downstairs to the kitchen and binged on toast. I had 7 slices - 75 calories a slice. I had them with buter, jam, nutella, or peanut butter. I even had a couple plain. I am so disgusting.
I'm not going to eat for rest of the day, and later on I am going to go out and buy water pills because I'm very bloated from binging and also from my period. I think they will help me lose water weight. I might take some laxatives too because I feel so filthy inside.
Tomorrow I'll really start it, and since I'll be at school it'll be much easier because I won't hve the time to binge in the morning.
Last week I managed to lose 6lbs in a few days. I hope to do the same.
My goal was to be 120lbs on Wednesday and I am still going to try to make that happen.
Bye.
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