Two Week Diet Plan

I've had it. I'm sick of barely eating and losin weight and then binging and gaining it back.
What am I going to do?
A NORMAL PERSON DIET.
No joke.
I'm going to have no more than 1200 calories a day (yeah, maybe a bit low for 'normal people' but whatever) or three meals a day andtwo snacks.
My daily plan will be the same everyday, with a few exceptions.
Here it is:

Breakfast: - whole wheat toast
                  - tbsp strawberry jam
                  - water = 105 calories


Lunch: - salad made of lettuce, carrots, celery, and lemon juice
           - 2 graham crackers    = 90 calories

Afternoon Snack: - hot chocolate (2 tsp powder)      = 40 calories
                        
Supper: - ¾ of what my mom serves me for supper (up to 500 cals)
             - ½ cup skim milk    = 545 calories

Evening Snack: - one apple or one orange
                          - glass of water
                          - ¼ cup Kellog's All Bran cereal = 150 calories


Exceptions:
Friday Evening: 3 cups plain air-popped popcorn (93 calories)
Wednesday Morning: 1 cup orange juice (120 calories)


Well , that seems like a lot of eating. The daily total is 840 calories, HAHAHA! That's below my limit by a decent amount, so I guess it's 'an unhealthy and unsafe' amount. But hey, it's safer than binging and purging!
But I'm going to stick with this for two weeks and see where it takes me.
But I'm hoping that by it being spread out well I won't binge, and it's healthy so I'll probably lose weight. At least I'm hoping too!

Rules:
- No eating after 7:30PM ever, no excuse.
- If I miss a planned meal, no making up for it later.
- When pasta is for supper, only eat ½ of the served amount.
- No baked goods.
- No ice cream, peanut butter or marshmellows (major binge foods)
- Only eat chicken and tuna meat.
- Exercise daily.
- Weigh in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays


DAILY EXERCISE:
Morning Exercise:
- 100 situps
- 25 leg lifts front, sides, back
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
- 20 pushups
- 50 jumping jacks

Afternoon Exercise:
- 30 minutes rollerblading or 30 minute jog (alternate daily, take one day off per week)
- 200 jumping jacks
- 25 squats
- 20 pushups
- 100 situps
- Practice gymnastics + dance moves for 15 minutes

Evening Exercise:
- 15 minutes hula hooping
- 30 minute walk
- 100 situps
- 100 hollow body rocks front, side, back (exercise learned at gymnastics)
- 20 pushups
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back

Extra Exercise on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday:
- 10 minutes jump rope
- 10 minutes running
- 10 minutes cycling


Yeah, so that's it.
I know I can do this! I know it! I am going to try my hardest and work for the goals I've set and get myself some rewards! :D


So what do you think of this?
I am going to update daily, with my SUCCESSES! Not my failures, because I am not going to fail. And I will post my weight three times a week, I am going to start this diet tomorrow for good, but I will follow my evening exercise and my supper plan today.

Start weight: 128lbs
(Yeah, I gained 4lbs from binging for three days.)
        

FML.

I binged.
I'm so sick of not having control.
I either can barely eat, or cannot stop eating.
So I purged some.
Then I cut.
It won't stop bleeding.
Fuck my life.
No more food.
It's so much easier not to try to beat anorexia.
I'll just let it consume me, because if I try to eat normal I binge.
And that never turns out good.

Concerning The Boy I Love,

OHMYFUCK OHMYFUCK OHMYFUCK.

I am so proud of Jeff!
He cuts, is depressed and is suicidal too.
But I just got a text from him a few minutes ago and today at school he went to guidance and got help!!
I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF HIM! :D

Rewards

Goal Weights:
120lbs = turquoise nail polish; $3.99
115lbs = tee shirt from Hot Topic (Breathe Carolina or Alesana)
110lbs = short-shorts and leggings
105lbs = iPod dock and new shirt
100lbs = $100.00 shopping spree for summer/spring clothing

Self Harm:
- 1 week cut free = Spend up to$10.00 on make up
- 2 weeks cut free = New Bracelet(s)
- 1 month cut free = Summer Dress (get mum to buy for me, for a special family occasion on June 19th)

Binge Foods/Fatty Foods:
- 1 week no ice cream + peanut butter = Straighten hair (I love to straighten my hair, but if eat like a fat pig I can't have nice hair.)
- 2 weeks no ice cream + peanut butter = Bio Oil (to help self harm scars fade)
- No marshmellows or chocolate for two weeks = 3/4 sleeve shirt

Different Diets:
- 5 day water fast = ‘Excel Mist’ gum (it's new, and delicious!) and Sugar Free Red Bull (I know, not good for me, but whatever, it's the best, and I'll need my energy after not eating for 5 days)
- 5 days just fruit and veggies = ‘Stride’ gum
- 2 weeks without high carb foods = new skirt


I was going to have pictures because I wanted to share my taste in clothing and such, but I hate uploading pictures on here, my laptop disagrees with doing it. Hahahaha. :p
Here are links, sorry there are so many, but I'm just rather indecisive. Obviously I am not going to get all of these, but they are things I like:
Hot Topic Shirts (1) (2) (3)   -> favorite is #3
Tops: (1) (2)
Sweaters: (1) (2)
Belts: (1)
Bracelets (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
Shorts (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6)  -> favorite is #3 or #6  
Skirts (1) (2)
Dresses (1) (2) (3)
iPod Docks (1) (2) (3)    -> favorite is #1

Motives and Goals

MOTIVES

Yes I wish I didn't want to lose weight, but my brain is infected with an ED and I do. But it's weird, because in a way it's not like some peoples' EDs, for some people it just happens with no reason. With some people they do it because of a tragic event.
I have had bad things happen in the past and bad experiances, but I also have 'motives' for losing weight and for being at an 'unhealthy weight.'

1. I feel fat and ugly; I want to feel pretty and thin.
2. My thighs and ass are out of proportion with rest of my body.
3. Less weight means less stress on my knees. (I have bad knees, they hurt often and a lot.)
4. I want to be able to wear leggings without looking fat. I don't want my thighs to touch at all. All the other girls will be jealous.
5. People will see how hard I work and won't call me 'lazy' anymore.
6. Once I'm skinny enough, the pain inside me will be showing.
7. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
8. I don't feel like me at this weight; I need to find my true self.
9. Have control over one thing in my life, which would be my body and what goes into it.
10. Feel confident.
11. Be tall and thin so people will say I look like a model, and models are gorgeous!
12. I don't want people to waste their food on me.
13. I want to be unique and not the 'average looking person.'
14. Smaller clothing sizes means less material has to be used.
15. People will be jealous of me instead of me being jealous of them.
16. Make certain girls feel fat like they make me feel ugly.
17. Save animals! (Less killing of them for food etc.)
18. There are starving children all over the world, give them my food. I only should eat when it's nessicary.
19. Show people what I am capable of doing, prove myself.
20. Free to enjoy life without my body holding me back. (I know this will not actually happen, because my ED in general holds me back from life. But the thought of it is nice.)
21. Actually be good and successful at something.
22. Not afraid to look in the mirror. (Won't happen, but again it's a nice thought.)
23. Someone will see my pain and get me help, I'm too scared to ask for help, I need help. I need help with my self harm, suicidal thoughts and ED. But I'm too shy to tell my parents, so I need to make it obvious.
24. I'm sick of making people happy by eating, it makes me so depressed. I've got to do something for myself and stop being a push-over.
25. Peers will know not to make jokes about EDs around me.
26. It will be obvious I have an ED, so I won't feel so guilty about hiding it. I'll be one person instead of two.
27. I want to know that theres someone out there who loves my unconditionally.

Yeah so that's basically it. Theres emotions and memories inside me that make me lose weight, but I wouldn't exactly call those motivating.

GOALS
Yeah,my goals are screwed up because they are unhealthy, but honsetly I don't care. Please don't hate on me for these. It's my idea of beauty for myself.I can see curvy girls and think they look great (non sexual) but it just isn't for me.

• Size zero jeans
• Three inch thigh gap (at the top)
• Waist I can fit my hands around at least half way
• Protruding hip bones (able to see through tight shirt)
• Concave stomach
• Spine and back ribs showing
• Beautiful collar bones
• Sharp cheek bones
• Clear jaw line
• No double chin whatsoever
• Small enough upper arms that I can fit my fingers around them
• Bony, delicate hands with perfect nails
• Flat bum (I honestly want a flat ass. I hate mine, it's always been big except for at my low weight.)
• Flat chest (I don't want to turn guys on sexually, I hate sexual attention. I want to know that I am loved for who I am and not my body.)
• No periods!
• Little sweating (I hardly ever sweat at my low weight, now that I gained I sweat more.)
• Pale skin is gorgeous.

My weight loss goals are:
120lbs by April 28th.
115lbs by May 8th.
110lbs by May 18th.
105lbs by May 31rst.
100lbs or less by June 19th.

This will be easy, I am making it hard for myself to lose weight. I just need to lose 25lbs. And losing 5lbs is simple if I actually try.

No School Today!

  I totally blew it. I did good all this week up until yesterday. I even managed to make it past my usual binging time on Tuesday evening without much effort at all!
  Last night I ended up having a binge on icecream and peanut butter because no one was home but me, and I felt like I could finally eat without being judged - I went overboard. I purged most of it, well actually only some of it, and then I went for an hour walk with Lorraine because she was in town with her mother.

  The morning after a binge I still have a huge appetite, and even though I could resist eating I try not to because binging and then having nothing the next day just causes more binges (haha, oh dear, I know from experiance.)
  I had planned on going for a run but my stomach was too bloated still from last night and I thought it'd hurt, plus after binging I get so lazy.
  For breakfast I had a bowl of plain yogurt (200cals) with All Bran cereal (80cals). If I left it at that it would have been great, but noooooo. I decided to have a piece of whole wheat bread (75cals) with peanut butter, I went crazy with the peanut butter and I'm guessing I had 1000cals of it. Then I visited the freezer and had icecream, probably at least 500cals of it. So I've only been awake for 30 minutes today and I've already had 1855 calories, probably more. So I'd say 2000 calories.

  I seriosuly want to cry. That is so shameful.
I don't understand how I can do this when yesterday while my mom wasn't looking, I hid half the orange I was supposed to be eating for breakfast, and then threw that bit out. And theres only 85 calories in the oranges we have but I was too disgusted to eat it all.
Now I imagine I am almost 130lbs again from water weight, and I believe I would have gained 1.5lbs of fat.

  I think this binging is happening because I am on my period. WHAT THE HELL.
This is only the third time I've had it within a 10 months. I lost it from July to Decemeber because I wasn't eating well and I was supposedly 'underweight.' In January I got it very lightly but I wouldn't even count that one because it lasted about a day. And I had it once it either March or February, and now I am currently. Those three still are lighter and shorter than they used to be, but they make me feel so god damned fat. If I weigh enough to get it, that means I have to lose weight, that means I'm not thin.
  WOAH. Another motive right there for losing weight, I'll lose my period again!
Yeah I know the dangers of losing it, weaker bones, infertility etc. But honestly I don't care, and I've always wanted to adopt children anyways because I don't want stretch marks from being pregnant.

  I think I'll create a new post with my plan (that was working until I binged) + goals (new set ones) + rewards (with pictures.) And then I'll create a seperate one with my motives for losing weight. Actually, I think I'll make that one first. Whatever.
Byeee.
Woah I just realised that theres three months exactly until I turn 16!!

Pictures at 125lbs, after gaining 15lbs from binging + purging and trying to self recover.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining abouy my body since my BMI says I'm at the low end of the healthy weight range. But I can't help it! I hate it and I wish I never gained 15lbs. People always doubt me when I say I've gained, but I used to be smaller and I miss it so much! I'm working at getting back there.

Stomach and hips.
I've lost my hip bones.
I don't like my stomach all that much.
And I've lost my tiny waist. ='(

My legs.
I do not enjoy having thighs that touch, they apear to barely touch in this picture because I was bent over a bit to get a good angle.
This is the first time they've touched in almost a year!
A lot of my jeans are too tight now, Eurrgh.
Carido is key for weight loss! I've started running again and have been cutting out high carb foods and I am already seeing results.

Stomach laying down.
Ick, just plain ick. I don't like it.
I have this lump of fat under my belly button and it pisses me off.
Plus, as you can see, more fat around my hip bones.
What you can't see is that my ribs barely show anymore.
God, I feel awful.
I wish I could love my body..

The sad thing is that a bit over a year ago I would have been so satisfied with my body like this. But I so desire to be 110lbs AND LESS again, because I was more self confident then and all that.
A big part of my motivation is that I'll be able to fit into my favorite jeans again, and I can wear tightish shirts without feeling like I'm hanging out everywheres.

I'm Your Mind Giving You Someone To Talk To

My mother did it again.
I had gymnastics after school and when I got back (although I was home briefly before) she immediately told me my supper was in the microwave. It was steak, potatoes and carrots. Not that bad but there was gravy. All I can think of when I see gravy is how fatty it seems. I complained and said I didn't want it, you know what my mom said? She was like, 'Either eat or or have nothing. There's no reason you can't have a decent supper."
Now, normal people would have reluctantly eaten it. But since I'm frigged up I choose not to eat it, but then as I was leaving the kitchen she said, "It better be eaten by 7:30!" (This was around 6.)
God, it's pissing me off. I was worried I'd have to eat it in front of her or my dad, and I totally cannot stand eating around people. I feel like they are constantly staring at me and judging me thinking how gross I am.  Dad does stare at me when I eat, I feel extremely awkward and awful; I'm not even sure how to put it.

Oh, and they aren't very pleased with my mid-terms. I've failed three things in math class and two things in history. Then theres a bunch of shit I didn't hand in for english.
God, and my mom circled marks on the report card for each subject that she wasn't happy with. One assignment was almost an 80% and she circled it! I'm not fucking perfect already!! My dad gets mad if I don't get over 85% and my mom gets mad about random crap.

I'm excited because there's no school friday! I finally get to sleep in; it's been so hard to wake up everyday this week and get out of bed. I've just wanted to hide away forever.

Oh, so I have a YouTube account - no uploads yet. And a video about self harm popped up in the 'recommendations for you' section. I watched and I think it is very well done!
I'd like to share, heres the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWJTDG1SWC8&playnext_from=TL&videos=Dr0SfUiAlSo&feature=grec

Other news, hmmm. Well this weekend from having so many carbs my weight went up to 133lbs - which is so gross because a couple days before that I was near 120lbs. The past two days I've had under 100 calories in fruit/veggies and have done a fair amount of exercise so now I'm at 125lbs. Definitely not happy with that, I hope on losing another 5lbs by Sunday, and then 5lbs by the end of the first week of May. That would put me at 115lbs.
From there I have to lose at least 5 more pounds to be at a weight I am comfortable with.
It's getting so easy to not binge or even eat. Which I like, but also the logical side of my brain is telling me this isn't good because that means anorexia again ...
I do wish i could eat normally and be happy with my body .. uuugh.
Oh well, this is me.

Better go, I ramble too much!
PS: I will be posting pictures of my stomach / legs etc soon.

Days Fade Away, But Guilt Still Burns Inside Of Me

Heyo, it's been a few days since I've posted.
I'm not even sure what to say! :(

I didn't eat all that well at the end of last week, but we went out for supper to Swiss Chalet. I got a Veggie Burger and purged some after - in a public washroom, I hate doing that! My sister almost caught me.

  Saturday I went for a run in the morning and I think I had a bit of fruit for breakfast. I was feeling good. We then went to my relatives' house for a some special church thing for my cousin.
  I passed on all the treats at the church, and then we went back to their house for supper. There was pasta, bread, and salad. I wasn't hungry but my mom gave me this look like 'Are you going to eat?' So I had some salad. I had control when I was eating. But then my aunt brought out the most delicious chocolate cake. After that I had some, and then more, and more, and pasta, and bread with nutella, and candy. Then I went and purged most of it. God, I felt so awful.

  Sunday I woke up and had a 'fuck this' attitude and I had a big breakfast; oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamin, four pieces of toast with peanut butter and something else that I can't remember. I ate so much all day long it was DISGUSTING.

  Yesterday I was so reluctant to go to school, I had cut the night before and was feeling shitty. I just wanted to stay in bed all day.
  I had double history first, and I had to write a quiz I missed the week previous. I got 12%. That's my worst mark ever.. My parents are going to be pissed.
  I had first lunch and none of my friends were on it, at this point I had a really bad urge to cut, and sadly I did. I went to the bathroom and sliced my thigh a bit, then after bandaging it I called my mom asking if I could come home because I didn't feel good. She said, "What's going on with you?" I said nothing ... that I was just really tired. She told me that if I still felt like that in an hour to call home again.
  So then I was just feeling really pissed off, I walked around the hallway some. i saw Lorraine standing by the front doors so I went to talk to her, she said she was going home. I kind of vented about how I wanted to go home but my mom wouldn't let me. So she said' "Just come with me!" I did that.
  I spent the afternoon at Lorraine's house, we had slushies. I really didn't want to but I had already denied juice and french fries. At 2:45 (school ends at 3) her mom drove me back to the school, I went to the office and passed in a note I had written 'from my mother' excusing me for the afternoon. Then I walked home and pretended like nothing happened.

  Today was an okay day. I had double english first and there was a test on the novel we read it class, well that we were supposed to read in class. I didn't read very much of it so I'm pretty sure I did really bad on the test considering I didn't even get the outline or anything.
  Then there was dance class. That was okay. I felt like running out of the room and hiding though because the dance studio is filled with mirrors and I hate seeing myself in a mirror. I'm so  ... blah.
  I spent third lunch with a friend from dance class, her boyfriend and a few other people that I used to be freinds with in grade 5. It was a bit awkward because I really think that none of them like me, I think they're just using me. Her boyfriend has this joke that I'm his other girlfriend. He gave me three hugs today; one in the morning, one after english class and one at the end of the day. How weird. I bet he totally hates me and is just being sarcastic because no one honestly likes me. No one likes talking to me, I just know it. I'm such an annoyance and pain.
  Yeah, then rest of the day was long and boring. I walked home by myself listening to my iPod like usual.
At 4pm I went for a run/walk for 45 minutes, then I came back and had a long bath.
 I missed supper. But when I was walking back to my room I heard my parents talking about my eating habits. My dad said, "Oh I know, the only time she eats is 10:30 in the evening!" About fifteen minutes after that my mom called me down to eat but I said I wasn't hungry. She told me to come down anyways and she quizzed me about why I wasn't hungry, what I had eaten today and shit like that. She then said if I wasn't going to eat then, that I have to eat it by 7:00pm.
  I don't know where the hell this came from, it's not like I'm underweight anymore. I'm at a "healthy" weight for my height (and I feel so god damn fat and ugly). But I think that Anorexic phase is happening, or going to. Because all I've eatn today is 10 baby carrots. That's less than 30 calories. And I don't want anything else. I hate knowing what's happening to me, I wish it would just happen like the two other times.

  Anyways, I best go do my homework and 'eat supper.'

...

I hate myself.
I am fat.
So grossly bloated.
I can't take it anymore.
I want to starve to death,
And on the way I will be thin.
I want to be pretty.
I want to be happy with myself.

I could hide away in my room for years.
Or even better, I could get away from everyone forever.
Even myself.
I can't stand seeing myself.
Even my hands.
They're just so fat, I can feel it when I close my fists.
I hate it.
My chin is fatter.
My cheeks are fatter, I feel it when I smile.
Even my feet and ankles are disgusting.

I want to die.
I don't want to put up with this,
So I eat.
The more I eat the worse I get.
It's a bad cycle.

Someone save me.