I'm Your Mind Giving You Someone To Talk To

My mother did it again.
I had gymnastics after school and when I got back (although I was home briefly before) she immediately told me my supper was in the microwave. It was steak, potatoes and carrots. Not that bad but there was gravy. All I can think of when I see gravy is how fatty it seems. I complained and said I didn't want it, you know what my mom said? She was like, 'Either eat or or have nothing. There's no reason you can't have a decent supper."
Now, normal people would have reluctantly eaten it. But since I'm frigged up I choose not to eat it, but then as I was leaving the kitchen she said, "It better be eaten by 7:30!" (This was around 6.)
God, it's pissing me off. I was worried I'd have to eat it in front of her or my dad, and I totally cannot stand eating around people. I feel like they are constantly staring at me and judging me thinking how gross I am.  Dad does stare at me when I eat, I feel extremely awkward and awful; I'm not even sure how to put it.

Oh, and they aren't very pleased with my mid-terms. I've failed three things in math class and two things in history. Then theres a bunch of shit I didn't hand in for english.
God, and my mom circled marks on the report card for each subject that she wasn't happy with. One assignment was almost an 80% and she circled it! I'm not fucking perfect already!! My dad gets mad if I don't get over 85% and my mom gets mad about random crap.

I'm excited because there's no school friday! I finally get to sleep in; it's been so hard to wake up everyday this week and get out of bed. I've just wanted to hide away forever.

Oh, so I have a YouTube account - no uploads yet. And a video about self harm popped up in the 'recommendations for you' section. I watched and I think it is very well done!
I'd like to share, heres the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWJTDG1SWC8&playnext_from=TL&videos=Dr0SfUiAlSo&feature=grec

Other news, hmmm. Well this weekend from having so many carbs my weight went up to 133lbs - which is so gross because a couple days before that I was near 120lbs. The past two days I've had under 100 calories in fruit/veggies and have done a fair amount of exercise so now I'm at 125lbs. Definitely not happy with that, I hope on losing another 5lbs by Sunday, and then 5lbs by the end of the first week of May. That would put me at 115lbs.
From there I have to lose at least 5 more pounds to be at a weight I am comfortable with.
It's getting so easy to not binge or even eat. Which I like, but also the logical side of my brain is telling me this isn't good because that means anorexia again ...
I do wish i could eat normally and be happy with my body .. uuugh.
Oh well, this is me.

Better go, I ramble too much!
PS: I will be posting pictures of my stomach / legs etc soon.