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- New Home! 2004 to Present
For this section I think I will explain in grades..
GRADE 5 [2004/2005] - New school, public school. I wasn't used to them and had no idea what to expect. The girls were more mature fashion wise and were more developed than me. I felt so out of place. I made some friends but they weren't true friends because I don't talk to any of them anymore. I also got in a lot of fights with girls in that class. I don't think anyone liked me much.
GRADE 6 [2005/2006]- Started Junior High! Made a few friends, no one great though. Didn't have as many problems with friends but I still felt behind. I had bad skin in grade 6 and was pretty much the only one. And my hair was ugly. People made fun of me.
GRADE 7 [2006/2007] - I started to realise what type of people would accept me and what type wouldn't. I was still very self conscious and awkward. My depression started in the beginning of 2008, I went to the doctors because of my lack of energy. I had several blood tests done because they didn't realise what really was wrong. People started to doubt that anything was wrong and that I was doing it for attention - this just made it worse. I started getting hurt more at gymnastics, and people doubted that too, even my mom thought my injuries were fake.
~The summer between grade 7 and grade 8 was when I first started cutting, I sliced at my wrist some but it wasn't that bad and healed kind of quick. Instead I'd beat myself, and pull hair.
GRADE 8 [2007/2008] - I had one friend that year. She put up with me so well, thank you! My depression got worse and I became suicidal. It was a daily thought for me and I actually attempted a few times, obviously those attempts failed. (They included suffocation and strangulation) There were many more times where I couldn't stand life anymore and just wanted to scream and die but couldn't, it's hard to explain really. I cried so many times.
GRADE 9 [2008/2009]- Still depressed, at it was at the worst but I hid it from everyone, even my friend who knew about it the year before. I started making friends for once, probably because I wasn't a grouch all the time. Ha ha. But inside I was dying. I'd go home and just collapse and cry for hours.
In February my "best friend" (the one who knew I was depressed, she didn't know I still was) got a boyfriend. This caused a lot of problems between us because I felt so rejected and lonely. We used to spend all our time together but now we didn't. One day I almost cried at school after yelling at her in front of the class (both way outside my norm.)
March is the first memory I have of me skipping meals; I came home from gymnastics one night and just looked at the food my mom saved for me, then flushed it down the toilet. That month I also started purging, but I wouldn't throw up very much at all.
For rest of the school year I watched what I ate, I started to eat healthier. I didn't really lose any weight, maybe only a couple pounds if I did.
After school got out for the summer that's when Anorexia hit. I went from almost 130lbs to 115lbs in less than a month. I wanted to lose more but my family and friends interfered and pushed food at me, so I gained about 10lbs. This caused me to start purging a lot more, it was after every full meal I had. I lost 5lbs. For rest of the summer my weight was at 115lbs and I ate, not enough for my size technically, but not enough to lose much weight either, my parents were watchful.
GRADE 10 [2009/2010] - High school! When school began I was at about 117lbs, but i dropped to 113lbs within the first week. I maintained that weight for about a month until I went back up to 115lbs. I was still purging and restricting but I had started to binge also, so my weight didn't change much.
My depression came back. In the summer it felt like it was gone, but really it wasn't, I had masked it with my "eating disorder." I started to cut, just on my hips where no one would see.
In early November I was in rough shape. I felt alone and lost, I was losing the friends I had made in grade 9 and I felt like I didn't belong anywheres, I felt odd, I felt numb, I felt fake. I ended up overdosing on a mixture of pain killers. I didn't end up in the hospital but I was out sick from school for a week - my symptoms were a lot like those of the swine flu and that's what I told everyone I had.
I started binging and purging on the weekends and Tuesdays. But in December my anorexic tendencies came back and I dropped from 117lbs to 109lbs quickly, giving me a BMI of 16.4. I was at my lowest weight on Christmas Eve, and I was happy with it. But then all the candy and pressure from family members making me eat caused me to gain. I went into a vicious binge and purge cycle for rest of the break from school and it continued.
Oh, and even since October friends had been making comments about my weight.
- Where Am I Now?Now I am addicted to Tylenol, and sadly I am almost immune to it.I've started drinking a lot too. I haven't cut in awhile, but I have many scars all over my body - on both arms, my ankles, my stomach, my hips, my feet, and my thighs.
My purging has gotten a lot worse (sadly, so has my binging.) My teeth are showing signs of it. I still have anorexic tendencies, and when I do they are bad. Somedays I am terrified to drink water or eat a salad. I have gone to extreme lengths when purging, I'll purge in my room and leave it there (in a container of course) until I get the chance to empty it. Or I'll go for a walk and purge in bushes. I even have drank Hydrogen Peroxide to induce vomitting. I WOULDN'T SUGGEST ANY OF THESE METHODS!
My weight is disgusting, I am almost back to where I was before all this shit started.
My grades are starting to drop a lot. Since the beginning of junior high I was an "Honors with Distinction" student and cared about my marks, I had never failed a test. But now I hardly care, I rarely do my homework and I have failed four tests since the beginning or March .. oh won't my mom be happy.
Anyways, thats basically all I have to say for now.
If you actually read all this, I am amazed! Please don't be hater, I came out here and posted this hoping people will understand, will be less judgemental of others, and be more accpeting and understanding of those with mental health issues.
- W00t first blog entry!
..Okay, so I don't actually type like that.
I want to tell you about my day, but I think first it would be more appropriate to give a brief (under-exaggeration there) history on myself, prepare to be bored. I think this is going to have to come in sections so it's not as confusing.
- My first decade. 1994 to 2004.
-I'm the youngest of two kids. My sister is 21 months older than me. I'm a summer babe!
-We lived in a rural neighborhood, my best friend lived three houses away from me.
-I was tall for my age, and no one ever let me forget it. I hated my height then, and still do.
-I went to a private school, my best friend went to a public school. I had friends at school but I felt like I didn't belong.
-I was very shy, it was almost painful.
-I constantly over ate. People would say that I was a "bottomless pit" because I could eat so much without getting full. Which wasn't true at all, I just couldn't stop eating.
-Despite over eating, I was an average weight, maybe a bit below.
-My mother forced me to do soccer, skating, swimming and Sunday School.
- She also rarely let me go to any one's house for sleepovers or parties, I was socially deprived.
-I asked to do gymnastics, but my dad said as he pinched my belly, "How do you expect to do it with this fat?" I now know he was joking, but it hurt a lot, and I'll never forget it.
- In third grade, when I was 9, a boy in my class forced my to kiss (and french kiss) him. He also pressured me to take my clothes off. I was too scared to tell anyone and I still have the guilt.
- August 2004 we moved back to my parents home town. I was 10 years old.
- I think that sums up the 'important' parts of those 10 years. During those years I felt sad and lonely, except those feelings were hiding beneath a thin layer of happiness. I felt out shined, teased, and wasn't sure who I really was.
Ready for more? It's coming in a few hours. I think I'll go clean my room right now, Later.
