Some Inspiration Of Myself, For Myself

These pictures are from November and December 2009.
The pictures in the bottom left and top right are me at my low weight. (110lbs dressed)
The other two are what I averagly looked like. (115lbsish)

I lost these pictures for awhile (they were on a USB drive.) When I finally found them I was a bit surprised because I thought I was so fat. But I know I am now, and I want back there so bad. I was happy and less ugly.

I Can't Do This, Oh God, I Need Your Help

I'm so sick of this. I was fasting and feeling great, having lost 4lbs in just under two days. Then my god damned mother decided I had to eat with the family (I pretty much never have supper with them anymore.) I ended up over eating! FUCKMYLIFE! I'm such a fat pig! I was doing so good until now, so good. I'm right pissed especially since a lot of the foods were high in carbs; potatoes, bread. And there was peanut butter with the bread so thats a lot of protein which will make it harder for me to lsoe muscle mass! (Yes I want to lose muscle mass, I'll lose anything to be lighter/)
I'm still going to go with my fasting for 20 days. this is just going to set me back. I need to work harder. I need to be at 110lbs by the end of the month. I've got to do this or I think I'll pretty much kill myself. I'm sick of being a failure.
I've done some searching and most people lose 7lbs + on a water fast for a week. I lost 5lbs in 4 days last time so I bet I can lose almost 10lbs if I water fast from now until next Saturday. I'm going to do this. I need to be happy with myself. I need to. I really don't want to have to, but I need to.


Sadly I feel like I'm fighting a battle about this. As much as I want to be thinner and stuff, I wish I could be happy with who I am now, with my weight. I wish I could sit down and enjoy a meal without worrying about binging and purging, or getting fat, or calories, or carbs or anything. I want to eat normally. To hardly ever feel so stuffed I can't breathe. I want to be normal. Normal doesn't work for me though. Trying to eat normal and people tryting to make me eat normal has just caused me to gain weight and feel even shittier. I don't think my parents realised why I wasn't at a healthy weight, but I wish they did because now my body has recovered but my mind and emotions haven't. The image isn't there anymore, I don't have the body I used to have from trying to be pain free. I still have all those feelings inside me though, they want out, they need an outlet, and they are getting worse because this isn't working. Stupid over eating. Stupid bulimia. Stupid stupid stupid!
I feel as if no one knows the pain I am in, and they won't know because I'm bad at expressing myself and my emotions verbally. I so desperately want help so I can live a care free life. But that isn't going to happen unless people realise whats wrong because I am so scared to get help, I'm so scared they won't believe me. I know they wouldn't. They'd think I was doing this for attention. But I hate attention. I like to blend in.


I want to be sickly thin, so underweight that when people see me they won't have a doubt in their mind that I have an Eating Disorder, because right now I don't look like it. I want people to be able to see my pain so they won't make jokes about EDs and self harm around me. I want them to realise who I truely am. I want to know that I am loved for who I am not for who people think I am. I want to be open to the world but at the same time I want to be away by myself never to see any human being again.
I wish none of this shit happened to me, why me? What have I done wrong? I know I'm not a good person, but do I really need this?
Sometimes I trick myself into believing that I am not eating right because I choose not to, but thats a game my mind likes to play. I didn't chose to not eat right, as a matter of fact its a love-hate thing. I love the empty hollow feeling in my stomach, it pretty much masks the emotions of guilt and pain and saddness I experience daily. It brings me a sense of beauty that I never have. But at the same time I wish I could go eat a sandwich and be content with just that. But I've never been able to eat one thing and not want anything else. Once I start I don't want to stop, well I do want to stop. But I can't. It doesn't happen. I cry and cry while eating somedays. But on the other hand, I have days when I cry because no matter how much I want that apple I just cannot eat it.
I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm so fed up with it. How come I have to do this? I wish it would just go away. If it isn't going to do that, can I please just lose weight? I'm such a sick and twisted person. I want to end up in the hospital with a feeding tube down my nose because I won't eat enough, because at least then I know people will be aware of the hurt I feel, of the battle I fight daily, of how it's starting to consume my spirit and personality. I want free from this.

Is It Enough To Die, Somebody Save My Life

Today went better than yesterday.
I actually woke up and got out of bed at my alarm that went off at 6:30.
I forget what I did for the first while, but I know I went downstairs and got a drink of cold water. I felt like shit from not purging all the iceream I ate the night before, but it was worth not doing it because now Jeff has to love me forever. Haha!  Oh speaking of Jeff, he was telling me about how he may break up with his girlfriend because she won't talk to him about cutting and shit.
I played around on my laptop until about 7:45 then I got ready for school in a rush and left around 8:15. The walk is only 15 minutes about. I had planned on telling my math teacher why I haven't been able to complete any work this week - but then I chickened out because I wasn't sure how to start the conversation. So I was there early with nothing to do. I just walked around until I ran into Karen. She told me some personal stuff that went down last night and that she may be moving in with her boyfriend in another town, if she does I'm going to miss her so so so much! I told her about my personal stuff from last night.
School was boring as always, except I think it was the best day this week.
After school I hung out around town with a friend. We went to the cafe and I got calorie and sugar free Fresca. I was late getting home for supper so thats all I've had today besides gum and water. I really really am craving cookies right now, but only because my mom made some. I wouldn't be craving them if she hadn't. Oh I want one so bad, but I can't. I just can't. I feel like I'm dying from wanting one this much .. Aaaaah.

My evening wasn't too bad, considering my Fridays can be very dull. Around 7:00pm my father and I went to help a friend move in to their new house, then when we got home I had a little photography time. I think I'll share some pictures i took with you! They aren't very good, and they are edited with Photoscape, but whatever.

 

I blurred most of this one ^ because I was trying to make the writing on my hand stand out more than rest of the picture, it didn't turn out as I wanted it to though.  Oh, and the writing on my hand says, "Help ..."

I must say, I am rather pleased with this picture, besides the fact that my fat legs are in it. (NTS: Never gain 20lbs ever again!) I do wish the tint of it was a bit different though. Ah well. I'm not a professional.
And incase you were wondering, it is supposed to be a bit ED related.


They are edited much differently, if you can even tell. XD Personally, I like how the second one looks more, but I like the actual picture of the first one the best. If that makes any sense. And once again; please excuse my friggin fat legs! Thats what happens when you gain almost 20lbs. *Sigh*

Anywho, thats all I really have to say. OH WAIT! I've decided to do a 20 day water fast, with the exception of eating fruit one day a week and vegetables another day of the week. Both under 300 calories. And I have lots of cardio exercise to do because I'm sick of my body and it needs to change, I need control over something, I have to be happy with just one thing! Can't I? Or do I not deserve it...
Ah well, I'm out! Peaceee. xox

Because Everybody's Gotta Die Sometime,

I'm going to burst and die.
It all started with calcium antacids to help surpress my appetite on this fast- I couldn't stop eating them. Then I had a whole pack of strepsils. Then I had four apples and two bananas. Then I had a shit load of icecream, at least five bowls. Then I had two pieces of multigrain bread with peanut butter. I didn't purge any because I want to stop purging, but now I wish I had. IM SO FUCKING FAT! :(
OHMYFUCKINGGODD! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!! I HATE EATING THIS MUCH, I FUCKIN HATE IT SO MUCH! WHY CAN'T I NOT EAT LIKE BEFORE! I DON'T CARE HOW RETARDED THIS SOUNDS OR HOW MUCH I GET HATED ON FOR SAYING THIS, BUT I MISS ANOREXIA, I'VE LOST IT! I HAVEN'T COUNTED CALORIES IN A LONG TIME, HAVEN'T COMPULSIVELY EXERCISED! I'VE GAINED ALMOST 20LBS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. WHY DO I OVER EAT NOW? WHY DO I PURGE? WHY CAN'T I LOSE WEIGHT! I STILL HAVE ALL THE SAME FEELINGS AND SHIT, BUT I CAN'T DO IT! I HATE THIS SO MUCH! GOD I'M A FAILURE. I DON'T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH CONTROL OVER GUM OR MEDICINE, IM A FUCKING ADDICT TO ANYTHING THATS CONSUMED. GOD. LIFE IS POINTLESS. I REALLY NEED TO BE 110LBS BY THE ENND OF THE MONTH, AT THE LEAST. STARTING RIGHT NOW IM NOT HAVING ANYTHING BUT WATER. ANYTHING ELSE CAUSES OVEREATING FOR ME, AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO GAIN ANY WEIGHT BECAUSE I'M AT MY HIGHEST NOW. MY SHORTS FROM BEFORE ANY ED ARE ALMOST TOO SMALL!!!!

Demons Cluttering Around My Face Showing No Emotion

I am so drained; mentally , physically and emotionally.
I wish I had energy to get off of my lazy fat ass and exercise to lose weight because I am so god damned fat. Today I wore my largest pair of jeans .. without a belt. :( What a punch in the face. What a way to realise the truth. God I'm such a friggin failure.

My day was so long.
I had double history this morning and I am so bad at that class so it was very long and boring.
Lucky I had the first lunch (my school has three seperate lunches) but I couldn't find any of my friends! So I texted "Lorraine" and she said she had second lunch with "Karen." 
It was a nice time honestly. I was glad to be around "Karen" because last night I came very close to killing myself and she knows this, and I felt like I had to be around soomeone who understands me.
I ended up skipping English Class and took all three lunches because I was not in the mood to sit through English, plus I needed that extra exercise of walking around the school. I've never skipped before, but I really don't care anymore. My mom is going to go ape shit on me, but what the fuck, it doesn't matter. English is the worst class anyways and such a waste of time.
I don't think I'll be able to live until my 16th birthday so why should it matter, I've got to try to enjoy my life.
And god, I cannot stop thinking how fat I am. I am terrified to weigh myself because I bet I am 130lbs by now. I just keep gaining weight! Everyone is saying I look healthier now, and honestly I feel stronger but these 15 extra pounds I gained have made me so depressed, it's not safe. So I've got to lose weight to make myself happier and not suicidal. Ugh.
Good news? I've water fasted all day, and I am going strong. I have gymnastics tonight, I want to go for the exercise but I really don't want to go because I'm so ashamed of my body that I want to hide away forever until I lose weight.
Oh, did I mention that theres this guy obsessed with me? Well there is. He doesn't even live near me, although he lived here a year ago. He keeps sending me messages on facebook and calling me "beautiful" and shit like that ... He's asked three of my friends to tell me he likes me. God. Plus, two other guys asked me out within the week. I hate this attention! Its the god damn weight I gained thats causing it! I think I'd MUCH rather not get all this attention from guys ... Don't get me wrong - I'm straight. Just it makes me so uncomfortable and I know they don't actually like me for who I am. I bet they just "like" my fat body and want to make fun of it...

PS: I JUST WEIGHED MYSELF! I was terrified to but after I first published this post I realised I have to if I want to lose weight. And thank god, I'm not 130lbs! I am 125lbs though ... same spot as a week ago but thats because I binged a lot lately. Oh well ... at least I didn't gain.
Plus, I planned out the rest of my month foodwise, I'll post it later because I have to go.

Failure. Fat. Food. <- All start with F!

Wow I'm such a big FAT failure. I want to die, kill me!!
I ate pizza, a chocolate orange, and chips + dip. I only managed to purge a little bit and I'm looking fatter by the millisecond.

I cut too. And I cut last night. My left arm is basically destroyed. Goddamnit. And the spring weather is here .. no tshirts for me this year.





I'm so fed up with food and fat. I've got to lose weight before I kill myself! Nothing besides water, pickles and lettuce + carrots + celery is going to pass my lips until I lose at least 15lbs.

I'm not going to eat until next Tuesday.

I better be under 120lbs by then or my life is over.

 PS: Even though I was out of control with those nasty creations called food, I managed to not eat icecream .. and icecream is my worst binge food. So I guess that's a plus ... maybe.



Shit I still feel awful. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.

I need a hug.

I'm Being Tortured By the Future of Things That Are Yet To Be.

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!

Somebody kill me please!

I can't stand being fat, and today I've had under 600 calories in fruit (even though I planned to water fast, I decided to start that tomorrow.) I was okay with it, felt like purging but didn't. I can still feel the apple in my stomach,

Then what do my parents do? They go to the fucking grocery store and buy pizza with meat on it, chips, chip dip, chocolate. THE DAMN PIZZA DOESN'T HAVE NUTRITIONAL INFO ON THE SIDE! All for us all the have for supper. I don't want any, damn it! I'm just going to keep gaining weight while they smile about it. Don't they see how unhappy I am with my weight? I'm so fucking enormous! I do not need all the carbs in that God damn pizza.

I don't care if my BMI puts me at the low end of the healthy range.
19.0. YUCK. That's such a lie because I am so much fatter than that.
I miss having a BMI in the 16's. I NEED to get back there, I'm such an eyesore, so freaking fat and ugly.

I need to get to 105lbs by the end of the month.
That's 20 sloppy pounds I have to lose in 24 days.
I can do it, but not if they keep feeding me.
I think my water fast will be for a week. Then I will eat only 200 calories in vegetables for 4 days, then 500 calories in fruits and vegetables for 3 days. Then anything under 800 calories for one day.  And repeat.

Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces.

Hi. So Easter is over! Thank God.

- My weight loss starts today with a water fast from now until Friday. After that I plan on doing a liquid fast Saturday and Sunday, and then five days of only fruits and vegetables under 800 calories.
My starting weight is 125lbs. (Oh my fuck, kill me thats so nasty, I can't even describe how it feels.)
I'm hoping to lose 15lbs this month, at least.


  Now moving on to a more touchy subject ..

- Last night was awful, to be blunt. I was feeling suicidal and trapped inside my eating disorder. I want to die, I feel unloved, lost, confused. I hate my body so much, I'm so gross, so fat, so ugly. No one understands me, I need help, but I'm too scared to get help.
I really wanted some drugs; weed, smokes, painkillers... anything. But I couldn't get any of those so I thought I was going to go mad. 

I texted my friend (let's call him "Jeff") because he knows about everything, and he also cuts and is depressed/suicidal. 
I just vented to him, he couldn't help much but it was good to have someone to talk to. We got into a conversation about suicide and he told me, "The thought of you being dead scares the hell out of me and it makes me want to cry. I don't know what I would do without you."
I feel so touched (considering he has a girlfriend..), but guilty, why am I putting people through this? I should just keep everything to myself so it doesn't bother anyone else and they can go on with their lives.
We kept on talking and I felt myself holding back some more because of guilt, so much that I stopped replying for a bit. He freaked out and was texting me asking if I was okay, if I was alive. I did reply eventualy, but I feel like a shitface. So dumb, so stupid, so worthless, so hated, such a failure, such a bother, such a retard. God, why am I alive? I just want to waste away to thin air, to be nothing, to disappear. I feel invisible anyways, displaced, almost zombie like walking through my days being such a fake happy person.Another text I got from Jeff, "You really need to get help! I know it's hard but this is serious. I'm so scared to lose you."Does this mean he loves me? I hope it does, because I love him so much. I've loved him since elementary school. I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I love him. It's not a sexual attraction, it's an emotional attatchment almost. Everything about him amazes me, he's just an awesome person. He just is, and we relate with so many things. I feel so bad for bothering him with all my troubles though, who wants to listen to me?!

- After I stopped crying and talking to Jeff, I went on msn. My friend (who I'll call "Karen") was on, she knows about my ED.        -> I met Karen just this school year even though we went to the same Junior High the year before, we had two classes together last semester. One of these classes was a cooking class and I never ate in it. She never ate either. I found out later on that she didn't eat because she realised what I was going through and didn't want me to stand out. She she skipped the food for me. This made me feel like someone actually CARED about me, someone actually knew my pain and suffering. So after this I opened up to her and she knows about all my binging, purging, restricting, cutting, drinking, drug abuse. It helps a lot since she has done most of that too.

  I'm always reluctant to talk to people on msn or even in person, I get so worried they don't want to talk to me and that I'm going to be a pain in the ass.
  So I did talk to her, I told her about how I had no clue what to do with myself.
She asked "What happened ?"
God I felt so bad because it seemed like she was fed up with me, I think she is, yeah she so is.
So i told her about my weekend, about how I was sick and binged but couldn't purge so I drank hydrogen peroxide to induce vommitting, about how I was binging and purging all day Saturday.
She said, "You gotta go talk to your mother." Good idea, but I hate my mom and can't talk to he about anything. She tried to persaude me but it didn't work. I feel like such an annoying little bugger, I went offline. Before i did though, I said, "Yeah, well, I think I have to go, and I'm sorry for bothering you with this." Then I went and cut, then puked up stomach acid.
This morning when I went on I had an offline message from her saying " Michelle, you didn't bother me, you never do."
Is that true? Or was she just saying that ... I don't feel loved. I think next time I see her if she hugs me or anything I'll cry.

I am lost.

And I lay sleepless knowing that my heart still belongs to you,

Happy Easter!
  Easter, personally I think it's the most pointless of holidays unless you are religious.
And I am not religious whatsoever. Sure, I go to a Romain Catholic church but only because my mom forces me. My mom and sister are both very religious and enjoy reading the bible and such. But my dad, he isn't religious at all, just like me. What a cool guy.  My Easter consists of getting up around 8am and having a small "easter egg hunt" with my sister, even though we both are in high school my parents still play the "Easter Bunny" and "Santa Clause" games with us.
My candy that I got (don't want any DAMN IT) is:1) A 350 gram milk chocolate easter bunny
2) 15 mini chocolate eggs
3) A basket with marshmellow eggs, reese eggs, jelly beans, and m&ms in it for my sister and I too share.
I ate most of the mini chocolate eggs, and I had the ears of my bunny. Plus, 10 jelly beans, 5 m&ms, and about 4 reese eggs. Along with that I had two glasses of hot chocolate - one with marshmellows. God I feel disgusting. (Especially since yesterday I had the WORST binge and purge cycle ever..)

Oh, and from my parents I got a pink sweater and new sneakers, but I knew I was getting those because I was there when they bought them.

Well I have to go to church soon, so I'll update later after we visit my grandmother and have our family dinner.
xox