I Can't Do This, Oh God, I Need Your Help

I'm so sick of this. I was fasting and feeling great, having lost 4lbs in just under two days. Then my god damned mother decided I had to eat with the family (I pretty much never have supper with them anymore.) I ended up over eating! FUCKMYLIFE! I'm such a fat pig! I was doing so good until now, so good. I'm right pissed especially since a lot of the foods were high in carbs; potatoes, bread. And there was peanut butter with the bread so thats a lot of protein which will make it harder for me to lsoe muscle mass! (Yes I want to lose muscle mass, I'll lose anything to be lighter/)
I'm still going to go with my fasting for 20 days. this is just going to set me back. I need to work harder. I need to be at 110lbs by the end of the month. I've got to do this or I think I'll pretty much kill myself. I'm sick of being a failure.
I've done some searching and most people lose 7lbs + on a water fast for a week. I lost 5lbs in 4 days last time so I bet I can lose almost 10lbs if I water fast from now until next Saturday. I'm going to do this. I need to be happy with myself. I need to. I really don't want to have to, but I need to.


Sadly I feel like I'm fighting a battle about this. As much as I want to be thinner and stuff, I wish I could be happy with who I am now, with my weight. I wish I could sit down and enjoy a meal without worrying about binging and purging, or getting fat, or calories, or carbs or anything. I want to eat normally. To hardly ever feel so stuffed I can't breathe. I want to be normal. Normal doesn't work for me though. Trying to eat normal and people tryting to make me eat normal has just caused me to gain weight and feel even shittier. I don't think my parents realised why I wasn't at a healthy weight, but I wish they did because now my body has recovered but my mind and emotions haven't. The image isn't there anymore, I don't have the body I used to have from trying to be pain free. I still have all those feelings inside me though, they want out, they need an outlet, and they are getting worse because this isn't working. Stupid over eating. Stupid bulimia. Stupid stupid stupid!
I feel as if no one knows the pain I am in, and they won't know because I'm bad at expressing myself and my emotions verbally. I so desperately want help so I can live a care free life. But that isn't going to happen unless people realise whats wrong because I am so scared to get help, I'm so scared they won't believe me. I know they wouldn't. They'd think I was doing this for attention. But I hate attention. I like to blend in.


I want to be sickly thin, so underweight that when people see me they won't have a doubt in their mind that I have an Eating Disorder, because right now I don't look like it. I want people to be able to see my pain so they won't make jokes about EDs and self harm around me. I want them to realise who I truely am. I want to know that I am loved for who I am not for who people think I am. I want to be open to the world but at the same time I want to be away by myself never to see any human being again.
I wish none of this shit happened to me, why me? What have I done wrong? I know I'm not a good person, but do I really need this?
Sometimes I trick myself into believing that I am not eating right because I choose not to, but thats a game my mind likes to play. I didn't chose to not eat right, as a matter of fact its a love-hate thing. I love the empty hollow feeling in my stomach, it pretty much masks the emotions of guilt and pain and saddness I experience daily. It brings me a sense of beauty that I never have. But at the same time I wish I could go eat a sandwich and be content with just that. But I've never been able to eat one thing and not want anything else. Once I start I don't want to stop, well I do want to stop. But I can't. It doesn't happen. I cry and cry while eating somedays. But on the other hand, I have days when I cry because no matter how much I want that apple I just cannot eat it.
I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm so fed up with it. How come I have to do this? I wish it would just go away. If it isn't going to do that, can I please just lose weight? I'm such a sick and twisted person. I want to end up in the hospital with a feeding tube down my nose because I won't eat enough, because at least then I know people will be aware of the hurt I feel, of the battle I fight daily, of how it's starting to consume my spirit and personality. I want free from this.