I've Got This New Disease In Me,

Hey there! I feel like I haven't posted in awhile, even though it's only been two days or so. Haha. And wow this week has been like hell.

YESTERDAY:
Tuesday I didn't go to school for any classes, I stayed home because I was tired (not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally.) I walked up to school at lunch time and hung out with my friend "Ruth" because we only have two lunches togther a week, and we don't have any classes together. After lunch I picked up the work I'd be missing in math class. (Advanced math, I don't want to get behind.)
Tuesday afternoon / evening I totally binged.
Well, now that I look at it; it wasn't even a full blown binge or anything. It was the amount of food someone normal would eat in the cycle of a day - maybe a bit more. But it was too much for me. I hated it. I didn't even want to eat, I didn't want the food, I really hated it. I was crying during eating but I couldn't stop. I felt like my hand just kept going to my mouth.

After eating I started to feel very suicidal, I went and had a hot bath and cut. These cuts were deeper than any on my wrist (god, why my wrist? I'm so stupid, it's hard to hide them.) I then started talking to Jeff, he told me to go on msn because his phone was being dumb. So I went on and vented to him, while crying my eyes out, about how I was sick of battling everything, about how I was sick of lying to my parents everyday when it comes to how I feel and so on. You get the point. He managed to calm me down and keep me alive. I love him so much.

Later on my mom made Chicken Quesadillas for supper.
She said, "because you like them."
Yes I love them, but they are so fattening and full of calories, I love them but they scare me. Eating supper was like I was in a trance, I ate three without even realising it or wanting to. But I had tears in my eyes as I did. What a way to make myself look like such a failure.
 Once I realised what I'd done, all those feelings from earlier came back. It didn't help that I've been really unstable all this week and the week before anyways. I went and cut again - worse than earlier in the day. What scares me is that I didn't feel a thing when I cut, thats how screwed I am. I went deep and it bled a lot, but I didn't feel it.
I can't remember what I did after that, but I know I did a fair amount of crying and wanting to die. I took some more laxatives because I didn't want to puke but I needed to know the food was coming out soon.

Later on I think my Anorexia became more prominent. I was just totally hit, like BAM!, with the urge to exercise and not stop at all. I did 100 variations of situps, jumping jacks, squats and such. I didn't stop at all until I felt like passing out. Today I even left class to go to the "bathroom." What I really did was walk around and do exercises in the bathroom..
I then wanted gum but I couldn't bring myself to have some, all I could think was "calories, calories, carbs, fat, failure" and that I couldn't have any. I didn't brush my teeth that evening either, because the thought of unknown calories in toothpaste scares me so much. I never have been scared of toothpaste before ...
That night I was up every 30 minutes to go to the toilet (why do I use laxatives, why?!) And so I got a god awful sleep.


TODAY:
I woke up at 8am .. my alarm went off at 6:15am for me to get up and exercise and get ready for school but I totally slept through it. I was pissed because I was planning on being at school by 8am so I could talk to my math teacher about how I haven't been able to concentrate lately.
I got ready for school as fast as my brain would function. Which wasn't all that fast. But I was exhausted. I still was scared to brush my teeth.
When I got to school there wasn't time to talk to my teacher. So I just went to my locker and waited for someone to walk by I knew. I was hoping Karen and Lorraine would, but two other girls I don't know all that well did first and they got me to walk with them.
At the end of the double english, my friend (I guess you could call her a friend anyways) Jane came up to me and asked if I was okay because I looked "really tired and sad." I told her I'd be alright. I so desperately want to tell her the truth because shes intelligant, but there were people around. Plus she's gone through a suicidal phase (went into treatment for it), had depression, has OCD and is bipolar. She may sound like a total nutcase but shes such a sweetie and down to earth. Oh, and did I mention intelligant?
I only stayed at school for the first two subjects, then I went home after lunch. I'm missing math again.
When I got home, I curled up in a ball in my bed listening to music and cried a bit. I kept hoping to die, or fall asleep and not wake up. I fell asleep and slept up to supper time (didn't have any though.) It actually wasn't a bad sleep. Probably the best I've had all week.

I haven't eaten at all today, I can't. I just can't. I see what's going to happen to me though. I know I'm not going to be able to eat for awhile, I'm going to lose weight (yay! But not yay..) and all that shit again.. for the third time. *Sigh*
I feel so hypocritical because I've been trying to diet for awhile, and I've been fasting. But then I binge and purge. But now that Anorexia is taking place of well, my Bulimia, I don't even need to try.
I'm scared. The last two times this happened I didn't realise what was happening. But now I do. Maybe someone will finally notice I'm in pain..

Well I better leave it at that. I need to get back to my trigonomentry work. Byee. xox

Cutting + Bracelets

This is what my cutting has lead to.

When I first started cutting, it was on my hips and I said it'd stay there. Then it moved to my belly and sides. Then to my ankles, and finally to my wrists and arms which is something I dreaded and totally regret. Especially since summer is so soon!

Most of these are scars that have been there for awhile. They just won't go away!

As for the 'bracelets.'

I'm sick of hiding who I am  and the struggles I face daily. So I've started wearing these. Probably not many people realise why, but it gives me a sense of comfort.
The black elastic is for self harm. That I am trying to recover from it.

The red string is for my anorexic stages.

The yellow beads are for suicide.

The blue beads are for depression.

The green bead is for currently fasting. (I've realised I'm either fasting or I'm binging.)

The orange bead is also for self harm.

The purple beads are for my bulimic stages.

The pink beads are for what I probably have, EDNOS.

All I Need Is A Little Emotion

I'm supposed to be at school right now. But I walked home after lunch and got my mom to call in an excuse me, I said I was really tired. But honestly, I just don't want to be at school anymore. My brain is tired.
I should have stayed though, because when I got home I had this urge to binge. In my room, there were some chocolates sitting on my bed that my mom picked up for me at the grocery store. I chugged a liter of water and ate them, then sadly, and bowl of icecream. Purged it all until all I was purging was stomach acid. I'm so ashamed. But other than that I haven't eaten since Saturday evening, which I guess is okay.
I hopped on the scale after purging, but I got off so fast before I saw the true number. It did go up to almost 125lbs though. That sickens me. But I do think I am losing weight, my clothes are looser.
I want this, but I don't. I want to have food happily. Ergh.
Well better go be 'sick.'
Bye.

If You Would Just Look Me In The Eye

Every week I say it's the new beginning and I am going to lose weight. Every week I mess up and restart. I've been doing this since February. I think it's about time to finally do it. Just do it. Make an effort not an excuse!
I still want to lose 20lbs this month, and at the beginning on the month I was almost 130lbs, today I am 125lbs. So thats 5lbs down. This means I have to lose 15lbs in 20 days; basically 15lbs in three weeks. So possible, it's ging to be really easy I think. I just actually have to stick to the plan I made. I cannot wait to be 110lbs by the end of the month! Its going to come fast, I know it. But I can do this. I hope.

I still am going to fast for 20 days, but with a some exceptions to help my metabolism:
1) April 17th -> liquid fast and some vegetables at supper. Stay under 500 calories.
2) April 18th -> 300 calories throughout the day in vegetables
3) April 24th -> 500 calories throughout the day in fruits and veggies.
4) April 25th -> 1000 throught the day in fruits and veggies.
5) April 26th to April 30th -> Liquid fast. Most likely orange juice at breakfast, water during the day and skim milk around the supper hour.

So there's 5 days out of 20 that I actually am going to be 'eating' something besides water. (Well I'll be having gum.)

I do have a plan for after these 20 days, to come off the fast and not gain weight:
1) May 1st to May 4th -> Fruit and Veggie Diet. (I did this in December, I had one serving of fruit or veggies three or four times a day. It worked well!)
2) May 5th to May 8th -> Smoothie Diet! (Never have done this before, but I'll drink homemade healthy smoothies twice a day, and have a bit of supper.)
3) May 9th -> 1500 calories. I will avoid binge foods, but I will allow myself some foods I haven't had in awhile.

One of these days I am going to have to break my diet at a friends house though, because Karen (friend who knows about my ED..) decided that someday soon I have to watch Titantic with her (never saw it) and we are going to get MacDonalds (because I've only ever eaten in three times in my life) and make slushies (with Lorraine's slushie maker, she is also going to be there.) So that day I imagine I'll go over 1500 calories! Eeek! I'm going to try to make this happen on one of my days I have planned to eat much, but I may hve to shift a few days around. :( Oh well.

After I get to my goal weight of 105lbs to 110lbs, I am going to stick with the following to lose a bit more/maintain:
1) 500 calories daily with the exception of 2000 calories once every two weeks.
2) 25g carbs, 25g fat, 15g protein, 100mg sodium. I am aware these are much under what I should have.
3) Multivitamin three times a week
4) 5 bottles of water daily, at least.
5) No junk food or fast food!
6) Only meat allowed is chicken, preferably no skin and not breaded.
7) Three servings of grains weekly.

Anyways, enough blabbing on about my diet. I hope you enjoyed that 'little' summary. (Oh I have so much more typed up on a word document.)
I will now tell you about my day.

I was up until 3:00 something this morning sicne I binged yesterday evening. I never like to go to sleep after a binge because I'm scared I won't burn all the calories. About an hour after my binge I went for a walk to the store and bought two types of laxatives, extra strength tylenol (tylenol addict alert!) , some bandages (for when I cut ... even though I don't plan on cutting soon.) and two packs of Exel Mist Gum - it's new!

When I got home I took 4 laxative pills and I drank a tbsp of the other type (I know laxatives don't help you lose weight, i know they are dangerous, but my intestines get backed up after a binge.) So yeah .. they did their thing later on. And I took another drink on the liquid laxative and two more pills this morning.
I was supposed to go to church, but I didn't want to. I am faking sick so that it's easier to fast today and so I can be undisturbed in my room.

Unfortunately, I am missing a course required for me to complete my training as a gymnastics coach. This means I will have to wait longer to work. But I need to get skinny! And my parents would have made me eat supper tonight after the course, that can't happen.

I have done some exercise today too, not much at all, but more than I usually do. I used to do a lot more but I got lazy when my binge & purge cycle began in January.
Anyways I better go, I'll update later with pictures of clothing I hope to get when I finally lose weight.

PEACE! STAY STRONG! xox

Oh PS:
I am going to make a schedule with my diet plan on each day, work on my ED journal, print off thinspo pics, and update my list of the nutritional facts of food on it. But all this after I do my math homework that was due a week ago ... Ickk..
Wow I am so sorry I talk, well type, so much.