- My weight loss starts today with a water fast from now until Friday. After that I plan on doing a liquid fast Saturday and Sunday, and then five days of only fruits and vegetables under 800 calories.
My starting weight is 125lbs. (Oh my fuck, kill me thats so nasty, I can't even describe how it feels.)
I'm hoping to lose 15lbs this month, at least.
Now moving on to a more touchy subject ..
- Last night was awful, to be blunt. I was feeling suicidal and trapped inside my eating disorder. I want to die, I feel unloved, lost, confused. I hate my body so much, I'm so gross, so fat, so ugly. No one understands me, I need help, but I'm too scared to get help.
I really wanted some drugs; weed, smokes, painkillers... anything. But I couldn't get any of those so I thought I was going to go mad.
I texted my friend (let's call him "Jeff") because he knows about everything, and he also cuts and is depressed/suicidal.
I just vented to him, he couldn't help much but it was good to have someone to talk to. We got into a conversation about suicide and he told me, "The thought of you being dead scares the hell out of me and it makes me want to cry. I don't know what I would do without you."
I feel so touched (considering he has a girlfriend..), but guilty, why am I putting people through this? I should just keep everything to myself so it doesn't bother anyone else and they can go on with their lives.
We kept on talking and I felt myself holding back some more because of guilt, so much that I stopped replying for a bit. He freaked out and was texting me asking if I was okay, if I was alive. I did reply eventualy, but I feel like a shitface. So dumb, so stupid, so worthless, so hated, such a failure, such a bother, such a retard. God, why am I alive? I just want to waste away to thin air, to be nothing, to disappear. I feel invisible anyways, displaced, almost zombie like walking through my days being such a fake happy person.Another text I got from Jeff, "You really need to get help! I know it's hard but this is serious. I'm so scared to lose you."Does this mean he loves me? I hope it does, because I love him so much. I've loved him since elementary school. I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I love him. It's not a sexual attraction, it's an emotional attatchment almost. Everything about him amazes me, he's just an awesome person. He just is, and we relate with so many things. I feel so bad for bothering him with all my troubles though, who wants to listen to me?!
- After I stopped crying and talking to Jeff, I went on msn. My friend (who I'll call "Karen") was on, she knows about my ED. -> I met Karen just this school year even though we went to the same Junior High the year before, we had two classes together last semester. One of these classes was a cooking class and I never ate in it. She never ate either. I found out later on that she didn't eat because she realised what I was going through and didn't want me to stand out. She she skipped the food for me. This made me feel like someone actually CARED about me, someone actually knew my pain and suffering. So after this I opened up to her and she knows about all my binging, purging, restricting, cutting, drinking, drug abuse. It helps a lot since she has done most of that too.
I'm always reluctant to talk to people on msn or even in person, I get so worried they don't want to talk to me and that I'm going to be a pain in the ass.
So I did talk to her, I told her about how I had no clue what to do with myself.
She asked "What happened ?"
God I felt so bad because it seemed like she was fed up with me, I think she is, yeah she so is.
So i told her about my weekend, about how I was sick and binged but couldn't purge so I drank hydrogen peroxide to induce vommitting, about how I was binging and purging all day Saturday.
She said, "You gotta go talk to your mother." Good idea, but I hate my mom and can't talk to he about anything. She tried to persaude me but it didn't work. I feel like such an annoying little bugger, I went offline. Before i did though, I said, "Yeah, well, I think I have to go, and I'm sorry for bothering you with this." Then I went and cut, then puked up stomach acid.
This morning when I went on I had an offline message from her saying " Michelle, you didn't bother me, you never do."
Is that true? Or was she just saying that ... I don't feel loved. I think next time I see her if she hugs me or anything I'll cry.
I am lost.
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