Diet, Day 4 & 5 of 14

So I screwed up both days, I won't go into detail but I've gained 5lbs back (probably mostly water weight.) It was from major stress about school.
Last night I purged a lot, I almost passed out. And I felt like I had ripped something in my stomach, the pain was intense. Even though I purged everything my stomach got VERY swollen and bloated, up to my chest. I was terrified that I was bleeding interally! But this morning it was pretty much gone, I had very bad cramps in my legs last night from low potassium though.

I'm sick of messing up. I'm so glad that tomorrow is May 1st, I'm going to leave binging and purging behind, along with cutting. Thats not who I want to be. I miss being the tiny me, the me who had control over food (well actually my ED did, but yeah, you get the point.) I've become this way because of trying to conform to people's opinions and ways of life. But this isn't the right way for me.
So I will still diet until I'm satisfied, satisfaction comes at 110lbs or less.
But a few changes to my diet. No toast in the morning except for once a week. Hot chocolate only three times a week and no pasta at all. Basically I am going to have three small servings of fruit or veggies during the day, and no supper if I can get away with it.

My life has been all sdngafbhja this month. I think I will post a monthly reflection later.

Last night I was talking to Jeff. :)
Here is a bit of our conversation, I feel like we both love each other much so (even though he has a girlfriend) but just won't say it, it's a different type of love. Like not the sexual type, but the understanding and close feeling.

(8:46 PM) ME,: hello



(8:46 PM) HIM: HELLO!
you're awesome
btw
like i just wanna hug you
*big hug*
thank you very much

It made me smile so much! (and yes I replaced our names with 'me' and 'him')
It was really random and niether of us knew where it came from lol.


Today wasn't all that bad. I had a history test and I'm confident that I passed, I failed the last one. That class is so hard! :(
And after school my friend 'May' came over to work on a project, and then we chilled for a bit.
We've only become friends this year even though we knew each other since grade 6. But we hated each other in grade 8 because my one friend in junior high used to be her best friend and a lot of problems and fights were caused around that. We're cool now though. :)
But, she doesn't know about my ED or cutting or anything.
It was great having a friend from school over, I haven't in a long time! Like a really long time, ahahaa.

Well, I don't really feel like talking much more. Bye for now!