Diet, Day 2 of 14

I'm guilty. I binged last night. ON BANANAS!
So not too bad! I had 7 or 8 bananas, which adds at least 800 calories to my total for yesterday. But that's better than having 800 calories of ice cream that's filled with fat.

Today has been ok.
I got up and exercised right away, then had my toast with jam as planned.
But then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:00am. Late for school! My mom called in so I could take my time getting ready and walking there.
But this set me off. Before I left I ate pineapple and cantaloupe, I didn't count the calories so I'm guessing 150. There also was this French Vanilla Fruit Dip and I finished that off - 45 calories for three tablespoons and fat free, I think i had about 150 calories worth. I'm still annoyed by it, and I did purge a bit.
Then after school I made fruit salad (one banana, four apples, honeydew melon, tsp lemon juice and two oranges = 750 calories.)
I ate most of that spread out this evening.
My mom asked me if I wanted some supper and I plainly said "No." (Funny thing is, right after that she told my sister to come down and have supper.)
When I was getting more fruit salad she said I should have vegetables. So I had baby carrots, cucumber and red pepper, no more than 100 calories.

So my total for today is 1255 calories. Uhm .... yuck. I can't believe I had that much. Ugghh. But I guess it's not bad for a 'normal diet' and it all (besides the dip and toast) was in raw fruits or vegetables, plus it's better having that spread out all day than in two minutes in ice cream like when I binge. (Not doing that ever again ..)
And I've managed to avoid the chocolate chip cookies my mom bought today! I want one but I just can't have it, so I didn't. They just sat there on the counter while I was making my fruit salad and I wasn't tempted. I took three and threw them out to make it look like I had some though.
I still need to exercise a lot. I had planned on going for a run but it is, was, raining. I still might go. And then I'll do extra stuff after since I missed exercising after school.
Oh, and I weighed myself before I left for school.
I am down 4lbs, so I'm at 126lbs.
Not bad for two days of dieting. I'm going to pump up the cardio and lower the calories, might even water or liquid fast for a day or two, so that I can get to 120lbs by the end of the month.


Now for none diet news...

I've realised that my self esteem has gotten so low, because another reason I was later getting up is that I feel so ashamed and ugly that I just want to hide in my bed all day so no one can see my body, even so I can't.
When I was getting dressed I totally avoided looking at my stomach in the mirror, and I didn't even look down at it. Then when I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror after getting dressed I almost cried! I miss being tiny, I miss it, my body has betrayed me, or have I betrayed my body? Aaaaahhh.
I'm so ugly feeling I don't want to live. I may never be beautiful. I may never be thin enough. But I'm going to try.

Ickk, I've also found out that I have a dentist appointment on June 25. I sure hope I haven't done enough damage to my teeth from purging that they'll notice. I'm trying hard to lighten up on it and I'm going to use pro-enamel toothpaste in hopes my teeth get healthier.
Also, May 2nd is my grandfather's birthday. My uncle is having a party and I haven't seen a lot of my family since Christmas. At Christmas I was 15lbs lighter. I am so scared of what they'll say to me. Ahh, i'm going to want to cry, not looking forward to that day.