Motives and Goals

MOTIVES

Yes I wish I didn't want to lose weight, but my brain is infected with an ED and I do. But it's weird, because in a way it's not like some peoples' EDs, for some people it just happens with no reason. With some people they do it because of a tragic event.
I have had bad things happen in the past and bad experiances, but I also have 'motives' for losing weight and for being at an 'unhealthy weight.'

1. I feel fat and ugly; I want to feel pretty and thin.
2. My thighs and ass are out of proportion with rest of my body.
3. Less weight means less stress on my knees. (I have bad knees, they hurt often and a lot.)
4. I want to be able to wear leggings without looking fat. I don't want my thighs to touch at all. All the other girls will be jealous.
5. People will see how hard I work and won't call me 'lazy' anymore.
6. Once I'm skinny enough, the pain inside me will be showing.
7. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
8. I don't feel like me at this weight; I need to find my true self.
9. Have control over one thing in my life, which would be my body and what goes into it.
10. Feel confident.
11. Be tall and thin so people will say I look like a model, and models are gorgeous!
12. I don't want people to waste their food on me.
13. I want to be unique and not the 'average looking person.'
14. Smaller clothing sizes means less material has to be used.
15. People will be jealous of me instead of me being jealous of them.
16. Make certain girls feel fat like they make me feel ugly.
17. Save animals! (Less killing of them for food etc.)
18. There are starving children all over the world, give them my food. I only should eat when it's nessicary.
19. Show people what I am capable of doing, prove myself.
20. Free to enjoy life without my body holding me back. (I know this will not actually happen, because my ED in general holds me back from life. But the thought of it is nice.)
21. Actually be good and successful at something.
22. Not afraid to look in the mirror. (Won't happen, but again it's a nice thought.)
23. Someone will see my pain and get me help, I'm too scared to ask for help, I need help. I need help with my self harm, suicidal thoughts and ED. But I'm too shy to tell my parents, so I need to make it obvious.
24. I'm sick of making people happy by eating, it makes me so depressed. I've got to do something for myself and stop being a push-over.
25. Peers will know not to make jokes about EDs around me.
26. It will be obvious I have an ED, so I won't feel so guilty about hiding it. I'll be one person instead of two.
27. I want to know that theres someone out there who loves my unconditionally.

Yeah so that's basically it. Theres emotions and memories inside me that make me lose weight, but I wouldn't exactly call those motivating.

GOALS
Yeah,my goals are screwed up because they are unhealthy, but honsetly I don't care. Please don't hate on me for these. It's my idea of beauty for myself.I can see curvy girls and think they look great (non sexual) but it just isn't for me.

• Size zero jeans
• Three inch thigh gap (at the top)
• Waist I can fit my hands around at least half way
• Protruding hip bones (able to see through tight shirt)
• Concave stomach
• Spine and back ribs showing
• Beautiful collar bones
• Sharp cheek bones
• Clear jaw line
• No double chin whatsoever
• Small enough upper arms that I can fit my fingers around them
• Bony, delicate hands with perfect nails
• Flat bum (I honestly want a flat ass. I hate mine, it's always been big except for at my low weight.)
• Flat chest (I don't want to turn guys on sexually, I hate sexual attention. I want to know that I am loved for who I am and not my body.)
• No periods!
• Little sweating (I hardly ever sweat at my low weight, now that I gained I sweat more.)
• Pale skin is gorgeous.

My weight loss goals are:
120lbs by April 28th.
115lbs by May 8th.
110lbs by May 18th.
105lbs by May 31rst.
100lbs or less by June 19th.

This will be easy, I am making it hard for myself to lose weight. I just need to lose 25lbs. And losing 5lbs is simple if I actually try.

No School Today!

  I totally blew it. I did good all this week up until yesterday. I even managed to make it past my usual binging time on Tuesday evening without much effort at all!
  Last night I ended up having a binge on icecream and peanut butter because no one was home but me, and I felt like I could finally eat without being judged - I went overboard. I purged most of it, well actually only some of it, and then I went for an hour walk with Lorraine because she was in town with her mother.

  The morning after a binge I still have a huge appetite, and even though I could resist eating I try not to because binging and then having nothing the next day just causes more binges (haha, oh dear, I know from experiance.)
  I had planned on going for a run but my stomach was too bloated still from last night and I thought it'd hurt, plus after binging I get so lazy.
  For breakfast I had a bowl of plain yogurt (200cals) with All Bran cereal (80cals). If I left it at that it would have been great, but noooooo. I decided to have a piece of whole wheat bread (75cals) with peanut butter, I went crazy with the peanut butter and I'm guessing I had 1000cals of it. Then I visited the freezer and had icecream, probably at least 500cals of it. So I've only been awake for 30 minutes today and I've already had 1855 calories, probably more. So I'd say 2000 calories.

  I seriosuly want to cry. That is so shameful.
I don't understand how I can do this when yesterday while my mom wasn't looking, I hid half the orange I was supposed to be eating for breakfast, and then threw that bit out. And theres only 85 calories in the oranges we have but I was too disgusted to eat it all.
Now I imagine I am almost 130lbs again from water weight, and I believe I would have gained 1.5lbs of fat.

  I think this binging is happening because I am on my period. WHAT THE HELL.
This is only the third time I've had it within a 10 months. I lost it from July to Decemeber because I wasn't eating well and I was supposedly 'underweight.' In January I got it very lightly but I wouldn't even count that one because it lasted about a day. And I had it once it either March or February, and now I am currently. Those three still are lighter and shorter than they used to be, but they make me feel so god damned fat. If I weigh enough to get it, that means I have to lose weight, that means I'm not thin.
  WOAH. Another motive right there for losing weight, I'll lose my period again!
Yeah I know the dangers of losing it, weaker bones, infertility etc. But honestly I don't care, and I've always wanted to adopt children anyways because I don't want stretch marks from being pregnant.

  I think I'll create a new post with my plan (that was working until I binged) + goals (new set ones) + rewards (with pictures.) And then I'll create a seperate one with my motives for losing weight. Actually, I think I'll make that one first. Whatever.
Byeee.
Woah I just realised that theres three months exactly until I turn 16!!

Pictures at 125lbs, after gaining 15lbs from binging + purging and trying to self recover.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining abouy my body since my BMI says I'm at the low end of the healthy weight range. But I can't help it! I hate it and I wish I never gained 15lbs. People always doubt me when I say I've gained, but I used to be smaller and I miss it so much! I'm working at getting back there.

Stomach and hips.
I've lost my hip bones.
I don't like my stomach all that much.
And I've lost my tiny waist. ='(

My legs.
I do not enjoy having thighs that touch, they apear to barely touch in this picture because I was bent over a bit to get a good angle.
This is the first time they've touched in almost a year!
A lot of my jeans are too tight now, Eurrgh.
Carido is key for weight loss! I've started running again and have been cutting out high carb foods and I am already seeing results.

Stomach laying down.
Ick, just plain ick. I don't like it.
I have this lump of fat under my belly button and it pisses me off.
Plus, as you can see, more fat around my hip bones.
What you can't see is that my ribs barely show anymore.
God, I feel awful.
I wish I could love my body..

The sad thing is that a bit over a year ago I would have been so satisfied with my body like this. But I so desire to be 110lbs AND LESS again, because I was more self confident then and all that.
A big part of my motivation is that I'll be able to fit into my favorite jeans again, and I can wear tightish shirts without feeling like I'm hanging out everywheres.