Three bows of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Four blueberry squares.
Three graham crackers with peanut butter.

I just ate all that shit and I wish I hadn't.
I'm fat enough already!
Thank god I'm starting my diet tomorrow.
I'm going to eat as little as possible for as long as possible.
The plan I made will be what I will eat at the MOST.

I want to see how much weight I can lose.
I've found out that I can make the scale go up to 130lbs+
Now it's time to see how low I can go.

A New Level Of Control

  After fnding out that I don't always pass my work on in time, sometimes dn't do all my homework, and that my grades are dropping a bit my mom decided she needs to step in.
She took my phone away until all my homework is done.
MY GOD DAMN PHONE THAT I BOUGHT, I PAY FOR MONTHLY AND I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
She has decided it distracts me from doing my work.
No.
Just no.
It doesn't.
What distracts me is the fact that I'm suicidal. I get stressed easy, I cut. I binge, I purge, I exercise a lot.

My phone doesn\t negatively affect my school work,
As a matter of fact, it keeps me alive somedays. Because it's one of the two ways I can communicate with Jeff - and he keeps me from killing myself. The only other way I have to talk to him is msn and he's hardly ever on it ...
I need to talk to him!
But I can't get ahold of him, because my mom took my phone.
I wish I could walk to his house, but he lives 100km away.
Fuck my life.

I'm scared for him too, because he also greatly relies on me for his safety, and if he can't get ahold of me either I don't know what will happen.

This control my mom demands to have over me is driving me crazy.
AH!
SORRY IM NOT GOD DAMN PERFEcT. SORRY I DONT DO EVERTHING HOW YOU WANT. BUT I HAVE MY OWN LIFE. I NEED TO CONTROL IT, NOT LIVE IT HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE REAL ME. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT DISTRACTS ME. YOU CANT BE UP MY BACK 24/7. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! YOU MAKE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
if only you knew ...
I hope someday you find this blog and read it.
I want you to feel as bad as you've made me feel. Feel the guilt you cause me, feel the pain I have, and realise I HATE you.
I honestly do.
With my whole god damned heart.
I hate you.
I don't care if you're my mother, and my dad, I hate you.
I hate you for even bringing me into this world.
I hate you for being controlling.
I hate you for expecting so much.
I hate you for being so immature.
I hate you for causing me saddness, guilt, anger.
I hate you for forcing me to eat.
JUST LET ME WASTE AWAY WOULD YOU!?
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.

Diet, Day ZERO.

This was supposed to be te first day of my diet, but I was right pissed off when I woke up. I weighed myself. 130lbs. Right where I was a week ago!
So then I went downstairs to the kitchen and binged on toast. I had 7 slices - 75 calories a slice. I had them with buter, jam, nutella, or peanut butter. I even had a couple plain. I am so disgusting.
I'm not going to eat for rest of the day, and later on I am going to go out and buy water pills because I'm very bloated from binging and also from my period. I think they will help me lose water weight. I might take some laxatives too because I feel so filthy inside.

Tomorrow I'll really start it, and since I'll be at school it'll be much easier because I won't hve the time to binge in the morning.
Last week I managed to lose 6lbs in a few days. I hope to do the same.
My goal was to be 120lbs on Wednesday and I am still going to try to make that happen.

Bye.