YESTERDAY:
Tuesday I didn't go to school for any classes, I stayed home because I was tired (not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally.) I walked up to school at lunch time and hung out with my friend "Ruth" because we only have two lunches togther a week, and we don't have any classes together. After lunch I picked up the work I'd be missing in math class. (Advanced math, I don't want to get behind.)
Tuesday afternoon / evening I totally binged.
Well, now that I look at it; it wasn't even a full blown binge or anything. It was the amount of food someone normal would eat in the cycle of a day - maybe a bit more. But it was too much for me. I hated it. I didn't even want to eat, I didn't want the food, I really hated it. I was crying during eating but I couldn't stop. I felt like my hand just kept going to my mouth.
After eating I started to feel very suicidal, I went and had a hot bath and cut. These cuts were deeper than any on my wrist (god, why my wrist? I'm so stupid, it's hard to hide them.) I then started talking to Jeff, he told me to go on msn because his phone was being dumb. So I went on and vented to him, while crying my eyes out, about how I was sick of battling everything, about how I was sick of lying to my parents everyday when it comes to how I feel and so on. You get the point. He managed to calm me down and keep me alive. I love him so much.
Later on my mom made Chicken Quesadillas for supper.
She said, "because you like them."
Yes I love them, but they are so fattening and full of calories, I love them but they scare me. Eating supper was like I was in a trance, I ate three without even realising it or wanting to. But I had tears in my eyes as I did. What a way to make myself look like such a failure.
Once I realised what I'd done, all those feelings from earlier came back. It didn't help that I've been really unstable all this week and the week before anyways. I went and cut again - worse than earlier in the day. What scares me is that I didn't feel a thing when I cut, thats how screwed I am. I went deep and it bled a lot, but I didn't feel it.
I can't remember what I did after that, but I know I did a fair amount of crying and wanting to die. I took some more laxatives because I didn't want to puke but I needed to know the food was coming out soon.
Later on I think my Anorexia became more prominent. I was just totally hit, like BAM!, with the urge to exercise and not stop at all. I did 100 variations of situps, jumping jacks, squats and such. I didn't stop at all until I felt like passing out. Today I even left class to go to the "bathroom." What I really did was walk around and do exercises in the bathroom..
I then wanted gum but I couldn't bring myself to have some, all I could think was "calories, calories, carbs, fat, failure" and that I couldn't have any. I didn't brush my teeth that evening either, because the thought of unknown calories in toothpaste scares me so much. I never have been scared of toothpaste before ...
That night I was up every 30 minutes to go to the toilet (why do I use laxatives, why?!) And so I got a god awful sleep.
TODAY:
I woke up at 8am .. my alarm went off at 6:15am for me to get up and exercise and get ready for school but I totally slept through it. I was pissed because I was planning on being at school by 8am so I could talk to my math teacher about how I haven't been able to concentrate lately.
I got ready for school as fast as my brain would function. Which wasn't all that fast. But I was exhausted. I still was scared to brush my teeth.
When I got to school there wasn't time to talk to my teacher. So I just went to my locker and waited for someone to walk by I knew. I was hoping Karen and Lorraine would, but two other girls I don't know all that well did first and they got me to walk with them.
At the end of the double english, my friend (I guess you could call her a friend anyways) Jane came up to me and asked if I was okay because I looked "really tired and sad." I told her I'd be alright. I so desperately want to tell her the truth because shes intelligant, but there were people around. Plus she's gone through a suicidal phase (went into treatment for it), had depression, has OCD and is bipolar. She may sound like a total nutcase but shes such a sweetie and down to earth. Oh, and did I mention intelligant?
I only stayed at school for the first two subjects, then I went home after lunch. I'm missing math again.
When I got home, I curled up in a ball in my bed listening to music and cried a bit. I kept hoping to die, or fall asleep and not wake up. I fell asleep and slept up to supper time (didn't have any though.) It actually wasn't a bad sleep. Probably the best I've had all week.
I haven't eaten at all today, I can't. I just can't. I see what's going to happen to me though. I know I'm not going to be able to eat for awhile, I'm going to lose weight (yay! But not yay..) and all that shit again.. for the third time. *Sigh*
I feel so hypocritical because I've been trying to diet for awhile, and I've been fasting. But then I binge and purge. But now that Anorexia is taking place of well, my Bulimia, I don't even need to try.
I'm scared. The last two times this happened I didn't realise what was happening. But now I do. Maybe someone will finally notice I'm in pain..
Well I better leave it at that. I need to get back to my trigonomentry work. Byee. xox
