Hi!

It's been awhile since I've posted, and I'm sorry : P.
I've been rather busy with exercising and sleeping.
I lost 7lbs so far this month, I started at 135lbs and was down to 128lbs. But then I binged two nights in a row on fruit + raisins and gained two pounds. I water fasted yesterday and today, but sadly today out of lonelyness and feeling regected and unloved, plus being pissed at my mother, I binged on 10 chocolate chip cookies and a bowl of blueberry grunt ! AH! All those carbs are going to make me go right back up to being so fat again. : (
Tomorrow I am planning to jucie fast, and I will go for a run tonight and tomorrow since I ate.
I'll weigh myself sunday morning, I was planning to tomorrow morning but there will be water weight from the cookies and shit.
I am so annoyed by this though, because after sunday all i had to eat was fruits and vegetables. I stayed away from dairy, peanut butter, processed foods and all of that nasty stuff. And just this morning I noticed my tummy had less fat and my legs are starting to look tinier. Ugh. WHY DO I BINGE : (.
Well I kind of know why, but why can't I stop it?
*sigh*

So before today my week was interesting I guess. I stayed home one day and was late for school on almost all the others.
Monday -> Only are bean salad because my parents made me have supper, there was other stuff on my plate but I didn't touch it. Then I felt like shit so went and exercised right after.
Tuesday -> Water fasted up until the evening, then I binged on fruits and I think i may have had some supper. I can't remember. I went to bed around 9pm, which is very early for me.
Wednesday -> Pretty much same as Tuesday
Thursday -> Water fast, managed to not eat supper despite my mom watching me like crazy, exercises a bunch, and hung out with my friend "Rebecca" and some random guy. Then that evening, I was talking to Jeff from 11pm until almost 2am because he felt like shit.

And yeah today, I water fasted and resisted the homemade cookies quite well. But then the friends I was going to hang out with this evening - which would have made it so easy to skip supper - made other plans with other people. Plus, lately I've been feeling so friendless because I've been losing a  lot of good friends and not hanging out with them because I tend to isolate myself. So really, I was upset. I turned to food to feel less lonely, but now I am so fat from eating. No wonder I don;t have many friends. And theres still supper to come, which is pasta (AH MORE CARBS D: ) I may purge after that. And later on after I digest some, if I don't purge, I am going to exercise for at least an hour to get rid of these calories and not let the carbs totally destroy my weight loss.

Oh, funny thing that happened today. We were writing a math test, and my class has 10 people in it because it's an advanced math class. Then the power went out, and the room went pitch black because it was in the middle of the school so there were no windows. Everyone screamed except for me, I personally enjoyed the darkness. I think I didn't do too well on the test though because I haven't been able to think clearly at all lately and I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating.
I believe my math teacher realises something is up, and I may tell him whats wrong because I don't know how much longer I can stand this cutting and depression. I will not tell him anything about my ED though.

Anyways, i shall retreat back to my lonely , fat, ugly, failure self.
Bye xox

Diet, Day 4 & 5 of 14

So I screwed up both days, I won't go into detail but I've gained 5lbs back (probably mostly water weight.) It was from major stress about school.
Last night I purged a lot, I almost passed out. And I felt like I had ripped something in my stomach, the pain was intense. Even though I purged everything my stomach got VERY swollen and bloated, up to my chest. I was terrified that I was bleeding interally! But this morning it was pretty much gone, I had very bad cramps in my legs last night from low potassium though.

I'm sick of messing up. I'm so glad that tomorrow is May 1st, I'm going to leave binging and purging behind, along with cutting. Thats not who I want to be. I miss being the tiny me, the me who had control over food (well actually my ED did, but yeah, you get the point.) I've become this way because of trying to conform to people's opinions and ways of life. But this isn't the right way for me.
So I will still diet until I'm satisfied, satisfaction comes at 110lbs or less.
But a few changes to my diet. No toast in the morning except for once a week. Hot chocolate only three times a week and no pasta at all. Basically I am going to have three small servings of fruit or veggies during the day, and no supper if I can get away with it.

My life has been all sdngafbhja this month. I think I will post a monthly reflection later.

Last night I was talking to Jeff. :)
Here is a bit of our conversation, I feel like we both love each other much so (even though he has a girlfriend) but just won't say it, it's a different type of love. Like not the sexual type, but the understanding and close feeling.

(8:46 PM) ME,: hello



(8:46 PM) HIM: HELLO!
you're awesome
btw
like i just wanna hug you
*big hug*
thank you very much

It made me smile so much! (and yes I replaced our names with 'me' and 'him')
It was really random and niether of us knew where it came from lol.


Today wasn't all that bad. I had a history test and I'm confident that I passed, I failed the last one. That class is so hard! :(
And after school my friend 'May' came over to work on a project, and then we chilled for a bit.
We've only become friends this year even though we knew each other since grade 6. But we hated each other in grade 8 because my one friend in junior high used to be her best friend and a lot of problems and fights were caused around that. We're cool now though. :)
But, she doesn't know about my ED or cutting or anything.
It was great having a friend from school over, I haven't in a long time! Like a really long time, ahahaa.

Well, I don't really feel like talking much more. Bye for now!

Deit, Day 3 of 14

This morning I woke up late again, didn't have time for breakfast (had to exercise though!) and didn't have time to make myself a lunch. I decided I'd water fast.
When Igot home I realised I wouldhave to have supper tonight, usually I'm not home for supper Wednesdays but I was today and had no way out of it.
Supper was spaghetti. Carb alert! D: I thought I'd fruit before it so I wouldn't fill up on spaghetti. I took an apple to my room and tried to eat it.
But I couldn't, I got no more than half eaten before I gave up, it was just too painful and I was scared of it, felt ugly, and fat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat it but I just couldn't.
When supper was served I almost cried when I looked at my plate, I wanted to eat it but I didn't , you know? And I knew I'd have to force myself to because my whole family was there. Plus spaghetti used to be (and my mom thinks still is) my favorite meal. I was the last one done, usually I am the first just so I can get away from the supper table.
I think the carbs set off a 'binge tigger' in me, because after that I snuck  big bowl of icecream and five (yes, fuckmylife, FIVE) cookies to my room and stuffed them in my face in a matter of seconds. Then I purged and cut.

Gah! So I broke two of my rules, no ice cream and no baked goods. * sad face *
PLUS, there was meat in the spaghetti sauce (and meatballs, but I asked to not have them) I tried to not eat the sauce - didn't mix it in with my spaghetti jsut left it on top.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. I can try again.
But I'm scared that the amount of carbs I've had today will make me gain weight.
I haven't weighed myself today, I'll wait for tomorrow since theres probabl water weight right now.
But because of the extra crazy amount of carbs today, I won't have toast for the next few days and I will do extra cardio too.