My mother did it again.
I had gymnastics after school and when I got back (although I was home briefly before) she immediately told me my supper was in the microwave. It was steak, potatoes and carrots. Not that bad but there was gravy. All I can think of when I see gravy is how fatty it seems. I complained and said I didn't want it, you know what my mom said? She was like, 'Either eat or or have nothing. There's no reason you can't have a decent supper."
Now, normal people would have reluctantly eaten it. But since I'm frigged up I choose not to eat it, but then as I was leaving the kitchen she said, "It better be eaten by 7:30!" (This was around 6.)
God, it's pissing me off. I was worried I'd have to eat it in front of her or my dad, and I totally cannot stand eating around people. I feel like they are constantly staring at me and judging me thinking how gross I am. Dad does stare at me when I eat, I feel extremely awkward and awful; I'm not even sure how to put it.
Oh, and they aren't very pleased with my mid-terms. I've failed three things in math class and two things in history. Then theres a bunch of shit I didn't hand in for english.
God, and my mom circled marks on the report card for each subject that she wasn't happy with. One assignment was almost an 80% and she circled it! I'm not fucking perfect already!! My dad gets mad if I don't get over 85% and my mom gets mad about random crap.
I'm excited because there's no school friday! I finally get to sleep in; it's been so hard to wake up everyday this week and get out of bed. I've just wanted to hide away forever.
Oh, so I have a YouTube account - no uploads yet. And a video about self harm popped up in the 'recommendations for you' section. I watched and I think it is very well done!
I'd like to share, heres the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWJTDG1SWC8&playnext_from=TL&videos=Dr0SfUiAlSo&feature=grec
Other news, hmmm. Well this weekend from having so many carbs my weight went up to 133lbs - which is so gross because a couple days before that I was near 120lbs. The past two days I've had under 100 calories in fruit/veggies and have done a fair amount of exercise so now I'm at 125lbs. Definitely not happy with that, I hope on losing another 5lbs by Sunday, and then 5lbs by the end of the first week of May. That would put me at 115lbs.
From there I have to lose at least 5 more pounds to be at a weight I am comfortable with.
It's getting so easy to not binge or even eat. Which I like, but also the logical side of my brain is telling me this isn't good because that means anorexia again ...
I do wish i could eat normally and be happy with my body .. uuugh.
Oh well, this is me.
Better go, I ramble too much!
PS: I will be posting pictures of my stomach / legs etc soon.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Days Fade Away, But Guilt Still Burns Inside Of Me
Heyo, it's been a few days since I've posted.
I'm not even sure what to say! :(
I didn't eat all that well at the end of last week, but we went out for supper to Swiss Chalet. I got a Veggie Burger and purged some after - in a public washroom, I hate doing that! My sister almost caught me.
Saturday I went for a run in the morning and I think I had a bit of fruit for breakfast. I was feeling good. We then went to my relatives' house for a some special church thing for my cousin.
I passed on all the treats at the church, and then we went back to their house for supper. There was pasta, bread, and salad. I wasn't hungry but my mom gave me this look like 'Are you going to eat?' So I had some salad. I had control when I was eating. But then my aunt brought out the most delicious chocolate cake. After that I had some, and then more, and more, and pasta, and bread with nutella, and candy. Then I went and purged most of it. God, I felt so awful.
Sunday I woke up and had a 'fuck this' attitude and I had a big breakfast; oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamin, four pieces of toast with peanut butter and something else that I can't remember. I ate so much all day long it was DISGUSTING.
Yesterday I was so reluctant to go to school, I had cut the night before and was feeling shitty. I just wanted to stay in bed all day.
I had double history first, and I had to write a quiz I missed the week previous. I got 12%. That's my worst mark ever.. My parents are going to be pissed.
I had first lunch and none of my friends were on it, at this point I had a really bad urge to cut, and sadly I did. I went to the bathroom and sliced my thigh a bit, then after bandaging it I called my mom asking if I could come home because I didn't feel good. She said, "What's going on with you?" I said nothing ... that I was just really tired. She told me that if I still felt like that in an hour to call home again.
So then I was just feeling really pissed off, I walked around the hallway some. i saw Lorraine standing by the front doors so I went to talk to her, she said she was going home. I kind of vented about how I wanted to go home but my mom wouldn't let me. So she said' "Just come with me!" I did that.
I spent the afternoon at Lorraine's house, we had slushies. I really didn't want to but I had already denied juice and french fries. At 2:45 (school ends at 3) her mom drove me back to the school, I went to the office and passed in a note I had written 'from my mother' excusing me for the afternoon. Then I walked home and pretended like nothing happened.
Today was an okay day. I had double english first and there was a test on the novel we read it class, well that we were supposed to read in class. I didn't read very much of it so I'm pretty sure I did really bad on the test considering I didn't even get the outline or anything.
Then there was dance class. That was okay. I felt like running out of the room and hiding though because the dance studio is filled with mirrors and I hate seeing myself in a mirror. I'm so ... blah.
I spent third lunch with a friend from dance class, her boyfriend and a few other people that I used to be freinds with in grade 5. It was a bit awkward because I really think that none of them like me, I think they're just using me. Her boyfriend has this joke that I'm his other girlfriend. He gave me three hugs today; one in the morning, one after english class and one at the end of the day. How weird. I bet he totally hates me and is just being sarcastic because no one honestly likes me. No one likes talking to me, I just know it. I'm such an annoyance and pain.
Yeah, then rest of the day was long and boring. I walked home by myself listening to my iPod like usual.
At 4pm I went for a run/walk for 45 minutes, then I came back and had a long bath.
I missed supper. But when I was walking back to my room I heard my parents talking about my eating habits. My dad said, "Oh I know, the only time she eats is 10:30 in the evening!" About fifteen minutes after that my mom called me down to eat but I said I wasn't hungry. She told me to come down anyways and she quizzed me about why I wasn't hungry, what I had eaten today and shit like that. She then said if I wasn't going to eat then, that I have to eat it by 7:00pm.
I don't know where the hell this came from, it's not like I'm underweight anymore. I'm at a "healthy" weight for my height (and I feel so god damn fat and ugly). But I think that Anorexic phase is happening, or going to. Because all I've eatn today is 10 baby carrots. That's less than 30 calories. And I don't want anything else. I hate knowing what's happening to me, I wish it would just happen like the two other times.
Anyways, I best go do my homework and 'eat supper.'
I'm not even sure what to say! :(
I didn't eat all that well at the end of last week, but we went out for supper to Swiss Chalet. I got a Veggie Burger and purged some after - in a public washroom, I hate doing that! My sister almost caught me.
Saturday I went for a run in the morning and I think I had a bit of fruit for breakfast. I was feeling good. We then went to my relatives' house for a some special church thing for my cousin.
I passed on all the treats at the church, and then we went back to their house for supper. There was pasta, bread, and salad. I wasn't hungry but my mom gave me this look like 'Are you going to eat?' So I had some salad. I had control when I was eating. But then my aunt brought out the most delicious chocolate cake. After that I had some, and then more, and more, and pasta, and bread with nutella, and candy. Then I went and purged most of it. God, I felt so awful.
Sunday I woke up and had a 'fuck this' attitude and I had a big breakfast; oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamin, four pieces of toast with peanut butter and something else that I can't remember. I ate so much all day long it was DISGUSTING.
Yesterday I was so reluctant to go to school, I had cut the night before and was feeling shitty. I just wanted to stay in bed all day.
I had double history first, and I had to write a quiz I missed the week previous. I got 12%. That's my worst mark ever.. My parents are going to be pissed.
I had first lunch and none of my friends were on it, at this point I had a really bad urge to cut, and sadly I did. I went to the bathroom and sliced my thigh a bit, then after bandaging it I called my mom asking if I could come home because I didn't feel good. She said, "What's going on with you?" I said nothing ... that I was just really tired. She told me that if I still felt like that in an hour to call home again.
So then I was just feeling really pissed off, I walked around the hallway some. i saw Lorraine standing by the front doors so I went to talk to her, she said she was going home. I kind of vented about how I wanted to go home but my mom wouldn't let me. So she said' "Just come with me!" I did that.
I spent the afternoon at Lorraine's house, we had slushies. I really didn't want to but I had already denied juice and french fries. At 2:45 (school ends at 3) her mom drove me back to the school, I went to the office and passed in a note I had written 'from my mother' excusing me for the afternoon. Then I walked home and pretended like nothing happened.
Today was an okay day. I had double english first and there was a test on the novel we read it class, well that we were supposed to read in class. I didn't read very much of it so I'm pretty sure I did really bad on the test considering I didn't even get the outline or anything.
Then there was dance class. That was okay. I felt like running out of the room and hiding though because the dance studio is filled with mirrors and I hate seeing myself in a mirror. I'm so ... blah.
I spent third lunch with a friend from dance class, her boyfriend and a few other people that I used to be freinds with in grade 5. It was a bit awkward because I really think that none of them like me, I think they're just using me. Her boyfriend has this joke that I'm his other girlfriend. He gave me three hugs today; one in the morning, one after english class and one at the end of the day. How weird. I bet he totally hates me and is just being sarcastic because no one honestly likes me. No one likes talking to me, I just know it. I'm such an annoyance and pain.
Yeah, then rest of the day was long and boring. I walked home by myself listening to my iPod like usual.
At 4pm I went for a run/walk for 45 minutes, then I came back and had a long bath.
I missed supper. But when I was walking back to my room I heard my parents talking about my eating habits. My dad said, "Oh I know, the only time she eats is 10:30 in the evening!" About fifteen minutes after that my mom called me down to eat but I said I wasn't hungry. She told me to come down anyways and she quizzed me about why I wasn't hungry, what I had eaten today and shit like that. She then said if I wasn't going to eat then, that I have to eat it by 7:00pm.
I don't know where the hell this came from, it's not like I'm underweight anymore. I'm at a "healthy" weight for my height (and I feel so god damn fat and ugly). But I think that Anorexic phase is happening, or going to. Because all I've eatn today is 10 baby carrots. That's less than 30 calories. And I don't want anything else. I hate knowing what's happening to me, I wish it would just happen like the two other times.
Anyways, I best go do my homework and 'eat supper.'
Sunday, April 18, 2010
...
I hate myself.
I am fat.
So grossly bloated.
I can't take it anymore.
I want to starve to death,
And on the way I will be thin.
I want to be pretty.
I want to be happy with myself.
I could hide away in my room for years.
Or even better, I could get away from everyone forever.
Even myself.
I can't stand seeing myself.
Even my hands.
They're just so fat, I can feel it when I close my fists.
I hate it.
My chin is fatter.
My cheeks are fatter, I feel it when I smile.
Even my feet and ankles are disgusting.
I want to die.
I don't want to put up with this,
So I eat.
The more I eat the worse I get.
It's a bad cycle.
Someone save me.
I am fat.
So grossly bloated.
I can't take it anymore.
I want to starve to death,
And on the way I will be thin.
I want to be pretty.
I want to be happy with myself.
I could hide away in my room for years.
Or even better, I could get away from everyone forever.
Even myself.
I can't stand seeing myself.
Even my hands.
They're just so fat, I can feel it when I close my fists.
I hate it.
My chin is fatter.
My cheeks are fatter, I feel it when I smile.
Even my feet and ankles are disgusting.
I want to die.
I don't want to put up with this,
So I eat.
The more I eat the worse I get.
It's a bad cycle.
Someone save me.
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