After fnding out that I don't always pass my work on in time, sometimes dn't do all my homework, and that my grades are dropping a bit my mom decided she needs to step in.
She took my phone away until all my homework is done.
MY GOD DAMN PHONE THAT I BOUGHT, I PAY FOR MONTHLY AND I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
She has decided it distracts me from doing my work.
No.
Just no.
It doesn't.
What distracts me is the fact that I'm suicidal. I get stressed easy, I cut. I binge, I purge, I exercise a lot.
My phone doesn\t negatively affect my school work,
As a matter of fact, it keeps me alive somedays. Because it's one of the two ways I can communicate with Jeff - and he keeps me from killing myself. The only other way I have to talk to him is msn and he's hardly ever on it ...
I need to talk to him!
But I can't get ahold of him, because my mom took my phone.
I wish I could walk to his house, but he lives 100km away.
Fuck my life.
I'm scared for him too, because he also greatly relies on me for his safety, and if he can't get ahold of me either I don't know what will happen.
This control my mom demands to have over me is driving me crazy.
AH!
SORRY IM NOT GOD DAMN PERFEcT. SORRY I DONT DO EVERTHING HOW YOU WANT. BUT I HAVE MY OWN LIFE. I NEED TO CONTROL IT, NOT LIVE IT HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE REAL ME. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT DISTRACTS ME. YOU CANT BE UP MY BACK 24/7. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! YOU MAKE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
if only you knew ...
I hope someday you find this blog and read it.
I want you to feel as bad as you've made me feel. Feel the guilt you cause me, feel the pain I have, and realise I HATE you.
I honestly do.
With my whole god damned heart.
I hate you.
I don't care if you're my mother, and my dad, I hate you.
I hate you for even bringing me into this world.
I hate you for being controlling.
I hate you for expecting so much.
I hate you for being so immature.
I hate you for causing me saddness, guilt, anger.
I hate you for forcing me to eat.
JUST LET ME WASTE AWAY WOULD YOU!?
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Diet, Day ZERO.
This was supposed to be te first day of my diet, but I was right pissed off when I woke up. I weighed myself. 130lbs. Right where I was a week ago!
So then I went downstairs to the kitchen and binged on toast. I had 7 slices - 75 calories a slice. I had them with buter, jam, nutella, or peanut butter. I even had a couple plain. I am so disgusting.
I'm not going to eat for rest of the day, and later on I am going to go out and buy water pills because I'm very bloated from binging and also from my period. I think they will help me lose water weight. I might take some laxatives too because I feel so filthy inside.
Tomorrow I'll really start it, and since I'll be at school it'll be much easier because I won't hve the time to binge in the morning.
Last week I managed to lose 6lbs in a few days. I hope to do the same.
My goal was to be 120lbs on Wednesday and I am still going to try to make that happen.
Bye.
So then I went downstairs to the kitchen and binged on toast. I had 7 slices - 75 calories a slice. I had them with buter, jam, nutella, or peanut butter. I even had a couple plain. I am so disgusting.
I'm not going to eat for rest of the day, and later on I am going to go out and buy water pills because I'm very bloated from binging and also from my period. I think they will help me lose water weight. I might take some laxatives too because I feel so filthy inside.
Tomorrow I'll really start it, and since I'll be at school it'll be much easier because I won't hve the time to binge in the morning.
Last week I managed to lose 6lbs in a few days. I hope to do the same.
My goal was to be 120lbs on Wednesday and I am still going to try to make that happen.
Bye.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Two Week Diet Plan
I've had it. I'm sick of barely eating and losin weight and then binging and gaining it back.
What am I going to do?
A NORMAL PERSON DIET.
No joke.
I'm going to have no more than 1200 calories a day (yeah, maybe a bit low for 'normal people' but whatever) or three meals a day andtwo snacks.
My daily plan will be the same everyday, with a few exceptions.
Here it is:
Breakfast: - whole wheat toast
- tbsp strawberry jam
- water = 105 calories
Lunch: - salad made of lettuce, carrots, celery, and lemon juice
- 2 graham crackers = 90 calories
Afternoon Snack: - hot chocolate (2 tsp powder) = 40 calories
Supper: - ¾ of what my mom serves me for supper (up to 500 cals)
- ½ cup skim milk = 545 calories
Evening Snack: - one apple or one orange
- glass of water
- ¼ cup Kellog's All Bran cereal = 150 calories
Exceptions:
Friday Evening: 3 cups plain air-popped popcorn (93 calories)
Wednesday Morning: 1 cup orange juice (120 calories)
Well , that seems like a lot of eating. The daily total is 840 calories, HAHAHA! That's below my limit by a decent amount, so I guess it's 'an unhealthy and unsafe' amount. But hey, it's safer than binging and purging!
But I'm going to stick with this for two weeks and see where it takes me.
But I'm hoping that by it being spread out well I won't binge, and it's healthy so I'll probably lose weight. At least I'm hoping too!
Rules:
- No eating after 7:30PM ever, no excuse.
- If I miss a planned meal, no making up for it later.
- When pasta is for supper, only eat ½ of the served amount.
- No baked goods.
- No ice cream, peanut butter or marshmellows (major binge foods)
- Only eat chicken and tuna meat.
- Exercise daily.
- Weigh in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays
DAILY EXERCISE:
Morning Exercise:
- 100 situps
- 25 leg lifts front, sides, back
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
- 20 pushups
- 50 jumping jacks
Afternoon Exercise:
- 30 minutes rollerblading or 30 minute jog (alternate daily, take one day off per week)
- 200 jumping jacks
- 25 squats
- 20 pushups
- 100 situps
- Practice gymnastics + dance moves for 15 minutes
Evening Exercise:
- 15 minutes hula hooping
- 30 minute walk
- 100 situps
- 100 hollow body rocks front, side, back (exercise learned at gymnastics)
- 20 pushups
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
Extra Exercise on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday:
- 10 minutes jump rope
- 10 minutes running
- 10 minutes cycling
Yeah, so that's it.
I know I can do this! I know it! I am going to try my hardest and work for the goals I've set and get myself some rewards! :D
So what do you think of this?
I am going to update daily, with my SUCCESSES! Not my failures, because I am not going to fail. And I will post my weight three times a week, I am going to start this diet tomorrow for good, but I will follow my evening exercise and my supper plan today.
Start weight: 128lbs
(Yeah, I gained 4lbs from binging for three days.)
What am I going to do?
A NORMAL PERSON DIET.
No joke.
I'm going to have no more than 1200 calories a day (yeah, maybe a bit low for 'normal people' but whatever) or three meals a day andtwo snacks.
My daily plan will be the same everyday, with a few exceptions.
Here it is:
Breakfast: - whole wheat toast
- tbsp strawberry jam
- water = 105 calories
Lunch: - salad made of lettuce, carrots, celery, and lemon juice
- 2 graham crackers = 90 calories
Afternoon Snack: - hot chocolate (2 tsp powder) = 40 calories
Supper: - ¾ of what my mom serves me for supper (up to 500 cals)
- ½ cup skim milk = 545 calories
Evening Snack: - one apple or one orange
- glass of water
- ¼ cup Kellog's All Bran cereal = 150 calories
Exceptions:
Friday Evening: 3 cups plain air-popped popcorn (93 calories)
Wednesday Morning: 1 cup orange juice (120 calories)
Well , that seems like a lot of eating. The daily total is 840 calories, HAHAHA! That's below my limit by a decent amount, so I guess it's 'an unhealthy and unsafe' amount. But hey, it's safer than binging and purging!
But I'm going to stick with this for two weeks and see where it takes me.
But I'm hoping that by it being spread out well I won't binge, and it's healthy so I'll probably lose weight. At least I'm hoping too!
Rules:
- No eating after 7:30PM ever, no excuse.
- If I miss a planned meal, no making up for it later.
- When pasta is for supper, only eat ½ of the served amount.
- No baked goods.
- No ice cream, peanut butter or marshmellows (major binge foods)
- Only eat chicken and tuna meat.
- Exercise daily.
- Weigh in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays
DAILY EXERCISE:
Morning Exercise:
- 100 situps
- 25 leg lifts front, sides, back
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
- 20 pushups
- 50 jumping jacks
Afternoon Exercise:
- 30 minutes rollerblading or 30 minute jog (alternate daily, take one day off per week)
- 200 jumping jacks
- 25 squats
- 20 pushups
- 100 situps
- Practice gymnastics + dance moves for 15 minutes
Evening Exercise:
- 15 minutes hula hooping
- 30 minute walk
- 100 situps
- 100 hollow body rocks front, side, back (exercise learned at gymnastics)
- 20 pushups
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
Extra Exercise on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday:
- 10 minutes jump rope
- 10 minutes running
- 10 minutes cycling
Yeah, so that's it.
I know I can do this! I know it! I am going to try my hardest and work for the goals I've set and get myself some rewards! :D
So what do you think of this?
I am going to update daily, with my SUCCESSES! Not my failures, because I am not going to fail. And I will post my weight three times a week, I am going to start this diet tomorrow for good, but I will follow my evening exercise and my supper plan today.
Start weight: 128lbs
(Yeah, I gained 4lbs from binging for three days.)
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