This morning I woke up late again, didn't have time for breakfast (had to exercise though!) and didn't have time to make myself a lunch. I decided I'd water fast.
When Igot home I realised I wouldhave to have supper tonight, usually I'm not home for supper Wednesdays but I was today and had no way out of it.
Supper was spaghetti. Carb alert! D: I thought I'd fruit before it so I wouldn't fill up on spaghetti. I took an apple to my room and tried to eat it.
But I couldn't, I got no more than half eaten before I gave up, it was just too painful and I was scared of it, felt ugly, and fat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat it but I just couldn't.
When supper was served I almost cried when I looked at my plate, I wanted to eat it but I didn't , you know? And I knew I'd have to force myself to because my whole family was there. Plus spaghetti used to be (and my mom thinks still is) my favorite meal. I was the last one done, usually I am the first just so I can get away from the supper table.
I think the carbs set off a 'binge tigger' in me, because after that I snuck big bowl of icecream and five (yes, fuckmylife, FIVE) cookies to my room and stuffed them in my face in a matter of seconds. Then I purged and cut.
Gah! So I broke two of my rules, no ice cream and no baked goods. * sad face *
PLUS, there was meat in the spaghetti sauce (and meatballs, but I asked to not have them) I tried to not eat the sauce - didn't mix it in with my spaghetti jsut left it on top.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. I can try again.
But I'm scared that the amount of carbs I've had today will make me gain weight.
I haven't weighed myself today, I'll wait for tomorrow since theres probabl water weight right now.
But because of the extra crazy amount of carbs today, I won't have toast for the next few days and I will do extra cardio too.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Diet, Day 2 of 14
I'm guilty. I binged last night. ON BANANAS!
So not too bad! I had 7 or 8 bananas, which adds at least 800 calories to my total for yesterday. But that's better than having 800 calories of ice cream that's filled with fat.
Today has been ok.
I got up and exercised right away, then had my toast with jam as planned.
But then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:00am. Late for school! My mom called in so I could take my time getting ready and walking there.
But this set me off. Before I left I ate pineapple and cantaloupe, I didn't count the calories so I'm guessing 150. There also was this French Vanilla Fruit Dip and I finished that off - 45 calories for three tablespoons and fat free, I think i had about 150 calories worth. I'm still annoyed by it, and I did purge a bit.
Then after school I made fruit salad (one banana, four apples, honeydew melon, tsp lemon juice and two oranges = 750 calories.)
I ate most of that spread out this evening.
My mom asked me if I wanted some supper and I plainly said "No." (Funny thing is, right after that she told my sister to come down and have supper.)
When I was getting more fruit salad she said I should have vegetables. So I had baby carrots, cucumber and red pepper, no more than 100 calories.
So my total for today is 1255 calories. Uhm .... yuck. I can't believe I had that much. Ugghh. But I guess it's not bad for a 'normal diet' and it all (besides the dip and toast) was in raw fruits or vegetables, plus it's better having that spread out all day than in two minutes in ice cream like when I binge. (Not doing that ever again ..)
And I've managed to avoid the chocolate chip cookies my mom bought today! I want one but I just can't have it, so I didn't. They just sat there on the counter while I was making my fruit salad and I wasn't tempted. I took three and threw them out to make it look like I had some though.
I still need to exercise a lot. I had planned on going for a run but it is, was, raining. I still might go. And then I'll do extra stuff after since I missed exercising after school.
Oh, and I weighed myself before I left for school.
I am down 4lbs, so I'm at 126lbs.
Not bad for two days of dieting. I'm going to pump up the cardio and lower the calories, might even water or liquid fast for a day or two, so that I can get to 120lbs by the end of the month.
Now for none diet news...
I've realised that my self esteem has gotten so low, because another reason I was later getting up is that I feel so ashamed and ugly that I just want to hide in my bed all day so no one can see my body, even so I can't.
When I was getting dressed I totally avoided looking at my stomach in the mirror, and I didn't even look down at it. Then when I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror after getting dressed I almost cried! I miss being tiny, I miss it, my body has betrayed me, or have I betrayed my body? Aaaaahhh.
I'm so ugly feeling I don't want to live. I may never be beautiful. I may never be thin enough. But I'm going to try.
Ickk, I've also found out that I have a dentist appointment on June 25. I sure hope I haven't done enough damage to my teeth from purging that they'll notice. I'm trying hard to lighten up on it and I'm going to use pro-enamel toothpaste in hopes my teeth get healthier.
Also, May 2nd is my grandfather's birthday. My uncle is having a party and I haven't seen a lot of my family since Christmas. At Christmas I was 15lbs lighter. I am so scared of what they'll say to me. Ahh, i'm going to want to cry, not looking forward to that day.
So not too bad! I had 7 or 8 bananas, which adds at least 800 calories to my total for yesterday. But that's better than having 800 calories of ice cream that's filled with fat.
Today has been ok.
I got up and exercised right away, then had my toast with jam as planned.
But then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:00am. Late for school! My mom called in so I could take my time getting ready and walking there.
But this set me off. Before I left I ate pineapple and cantaloupe, I didn't count the calories so I'm guessing 150. There also was this French Vanilla Fruit Dip and I finished that off - 45 calories for three tablespoons and fat free, I think i had about 150 calories worth. I'm still annoyed by it, and I did purge a bit.
Then after school I made fruit salad (one banana, four apples, honeydew melon, tsp lemon juice and two oranges = 750 calories.)
I ate most of that spread out this evening.
My mom asked me if I wanted some supper and I plainly said "No." (Funny thing is, right after that she told my sister to come down and have supper.)
When I was getting more fruit salad she said I should have vegetables. So I had baby carrots, cucumber and red pepper, no more than 100 calories.
So my total for today is 1255 calories. Uhm .... yuck. I can't believe I had that much. Ugghh. But I guess it's not bad for a 'normal diet' and it all (besides the dip and toast) was in raw fruits or vegetables, plus it's better having that spread out all day than in two minutes in ice cream like when I binge. (Not doing that ever again ..)
And I've managed to avoid the chocolate chip cookies my mom bought today! I want one but I just can't have it, so I didn't. They just sat there on the counter while I was making my fruit salad and I wasn't tempted. I took three and threw them out to make it look like I had some though.
I still need to exercise a lot. I had planned on going for a run but it is, was, raining. I still might go. And then I'll do extra stuff after since I missed exercising after school.
Oh, and I weighed myself before I left for school.
I am down 4lbs, so I'm at 126lbs.
Not bad for two days of dieting. I'm going to pump up the cardio and lower the calories, might even water or liquid fast for a day or two, so that I can get to 120lbs by the end of the month.
Now for none diet news...
I've realised that my self esteem has gotten so low, because another reason I was later getting up is that I feel so ashamed and ugly that I just want to hide in my bed all day so no one can see my body, even so I can't.
When I was getting dressed I totally avoided looking at my stomach in the mirror, and I didn't even look down at it. Then when I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror after getting dressed I almost cried! I miss being tiny, I miss it, my body has betrayed me, or have I betrayed my body? Aaaaahhh.
I'm so ugly feeling I don't want to live. I may never be beautiful. I may never be thin enough. But I'm going to try.
Ickk, I've also found out that I have a dentist appointment on June 25. I sure hope I haven't done enough damage to my teeth from purging that they'll notice. I'm trying hard to lighten up on it and I'm going to use pro-enamel toothpaste in hopes my teeth get healthier.
Also, May 2nd is my grandfather's birthday. My uncle is having a party and I haven't seen a lot of my family since Christmas. At Christmas I was 15lbs lighter. I am so scared of what they'll say to me. Ahh, i'm going to want to cry, not looking forward to that day.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Diet; Day 1 of 14.
It was so hard to get out of bed tis morning, for I have an awful chest cold and I'm all achy. It's getting better though, depsite the fact that I have pulled a few muscles in my stomach & side from coughing so hard. Oh my, haha. I managed to make it through the day though, it wouldn't have been too bad if I was feeling healthier. In english class we had a substitute and she let us listen to our iPods. THANK HOLY GOD! I love my music and I practically die without it during the school day. xD
I've been doing well today, stuck to my diet plan! I've done all the planned exercise so far too.
For breakfast I had my toast and jam, I didn't have time to make my lunch (I was running ate and was almost late for class this morning) so I didn't bother. After school I had my hot chocolate and for supper we had chicken strips with french fries - I had salad instead of fries. I have also had a banana.
My total calorie intake for today has been 510 calories (approximent.)
This is good, I don't feel like binging and I actually wish I had eaten less. I haven't weighed myself today. But I think I'll wait for tomorrow or when my period stops (wow, first time it actually has been completely normal!)
Right now I am typing up my History Research Paper rough copy, it's due tomorrow and I just started, ah! I need 1500 words a least and so far I only have 415. Ughh. Good thing I don't have gymnastics tonight.
Anyways, I better go, I'm going to type 500 more words and then do my evening exercise and maybe walk to the store to buy a new journal.
Yes, I keep journals. xD
Stay strong everyone!
I've been doing well today, stuck to my diet plan! I've done all the planned exercise so far too.
For breakfast I had my toast and jam, I didn't have time to make my lunch (I was running ate and was almost late for class this morning) so I didn't bother. After school I had my hot chocolate and for supper we had chicken strips with french fries - I had salad instead of fries. I have also had a banana.
My total calorie intake for today has been 510 calories (approximent.)
This is good, I don't feel like binging and I actually wish I had eaten less. I haven't weighed myself today. But I think I'll wait for tomorrow or when my period stops (wow, first time it actually has been completely normal!)
Right now I am typing up my History Research Paper rough copy, it's due tomorrow and I just started, ah! I need 1500 words a least and so far I only have 415. Ughh. Good thing I don't have gymnastics tonight.
Anyways, I better go, I'm going to type 500 more words and then do my evening exercise and maybe walk to the store to buy a new journal.
Yes, I keep journals. xD
Stay strong everyone!
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