Is It Enough To Die, Somebody Save My Life

Today went better than yesterday.
I actually woke up and got out of bed at my alarm that went off at 6:30.
I forget what I did for the first while, but I know I went downstairs and got a drink of cold water. I felt like shit from not purging all the iceream I ate the night before, but it was worth not doing it because now Jeff has to love me forever. Haha!  Oh speaking of Jeff, he was telling me about how he may break up with his girlfriend because she won't talk to him about cutting and shit.
I played around on my laptop until about 7:45 then I got ready for school in a rush and left around 8:15. The walk is only 15 minutes about. I had planned on telling my math teacher why I haven't been able to complete any work this week - but then I chickened out because I wasn't sure how to start the conversation. So I was there early with nothing to do. I just walked around until I ran into Karen. She told me some personal stuff that went down last night and that she may be moving in with her boyfriend in another town, if she does I'm going to miss her so so so much! I told her about my personal stuff from last night.
School was boring as always, except I think it was the best day this week.
After school I hung out around town with a friend. We went to the cafe and I got calorie and sugar free Fresca. I was late getting home for supper so thats all I've had today besides gum and water. I really really am craving cookies right now, but only because my mom made some. I wouldn't be craving them if she hadn't. Oh I want one so bad, but I can't. I just can't. I feel like I'm dying from wanting one this much .. Aaaaah.

My evening wasn't too bad, considering my Fridays can be very dull. Around 7:00pm my father and I went to help a friend move in to their new house, then when we got home I had a little photography time. I think I'll share some pictures i took with you! They aren't very good, and they are edited with Photoscape, but whatever.

 

I blurred most of this one ^ because I was trying to make the writing on my hand stand out more than rest of the picture, it didn't turn out as I wanted it to though.  Oh, and the writing on my hand says, "Help ..."

I must say, I am rather pleased with this picture, besides the fact that my fat legs are in it. (NTS: Never gain 20lbs ever again!) I do wish the tint of it was a bit different though. Ah well. I'm not a professional.
And incase you were wondering, it is supposed to be a bit ED related.


They are edited much differently, if you can even tell. XD Personally, I like how the second one looks more, but I like the actual picture of the first one the best. If that makes any sense. And once again; please excuse my friggin fat legs! Thats what happens when you gain almost 20lbs. *Sigh*

Anywho, thats all I really have to say. OH WAIT! I've decided to do a 20 day water fast, with the exception of eating fruit one day a week and vegetables another day of the week. Both under 300 calories. And I have lots of cardio exercise to do because I'm sick of my body and it needs to change, I need control over something, I have to be happy with just one thing! Can't I? Or do I not deserve it...
Ah well, I'm out! Peaceee. xox

Because Everybody's Gotta Die Sometime,

I'm going to burst and die.
It all started with calcium antacids to help surpress my appetite on this fast- I couldn't stop eating them. Then I had a whole pack of strepsils. Then I had four apples and two bananas. Then I had a shit load of icecream, at least five bowls. Then I had two pieces of multigrain bread with peanut butter. I didn't purge any because I want to stop purging, but now I wish I had. IM SO FUCKING FAT! :(
OHMYFUCKINGGODD! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!! I HATE EATING THIS MUCH, I FUCKIN HATE IT SO MUCH! WHY CAN'T I NOT EAT LIKE BEFORE! I DON'T CARE HOW RETARDED THIS SOUNDS OR HOW MUCH I GET HATED ON FOR SAYING THIS, BUT I MISS ANOREXIA, I'VE LOST IT! I HAVEN'T COUNTED CALORIES IN A LONG TIME, HAVEN'T COMPULSIVELY EXERCISED! I'VE GAINED ALMOST 20LBS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. WHY DO I OVER EAT NOW? WHY DO I PURGE? WHY CAN'T I LOSE WEIGHT! I STILL HAVE ALL THE SAME FEELINGS AND SHIT, BUT I CAN'T DO IT! I HATE THIS SO MUCH! GOD I'M A FAILURE. I DON'T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH CONTROL OVER GUM OR MEDICINE, IM A FUCKING ADDICT TO ANYTHING THATS CONSUMED. GOD. LIFE IS POINTLESS. I REALLY NEED TO BE 110LBS BY THE ENND OF THE MONTH, AT THE LEAST. STARTING RIGHT NOW IM NOT HAVING ANYTHING BUT WATER. ANYTHING ELSE CAUSES OVEREATING FOR ME, AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO GAIN ANY WEIGHT BECAUSE I'M AT MY HIGHEST NOW. MY SHORTS FROM BEFORE ANY ED ARE ALMOST TOO SMALL!!!!

Demons Cluttering Around My Face Showing No Emotion

I am so drained; mentally , physically and emotionally.
I wish I had energy to get off of my lazy fat ass and exercise to lose weight because I am so god damned fat. Today I wore my largest pair of jeans .. without a belt. :( What a punch in the face. What a way to realise the truth. God I'm such a friggin failure.

My day was so long.
I had double history this morning and I am so bad at that class so it was very long and boring.
Lucky I had the first lunch (my school has three seperate lunches) but I couldn't find any of my friends! So I texted "Lorraine" and she said she had second lunch with "Karen." 
It was a nice time honestly. I was glad to be around "Karen" because last night I came very close to killing myself and she knows this, and I felt like I had to be around soomeone who understands me.
I ended up skipping English Class and took all three lunches because I was not in the mood to sit through English, plus I needed that extra exercise of walking around the school. I've never skipped before, but I really don't care anymore. My mom is going to go ape shit on me, but what the fuck, it doesn't matter. English is the worst class anyways and such a waste of time.
I don't think I'll be able to live until my 16th birthday so why should it matter, I've got to try to enjoy my life.
And god, I cannot stop thinking how fat I am. I am terrified to weigh myself because I bet I am 130lbs by now. I just keep gaining weight! Everyone is saying I look healthier now, and honestly I feel stronger but these 15 extra pounds I gained have made me so depressed, it's not safe. So I've got to lose weight to make myself happier and not suicidal. Ugh.
Good news? I've water fasted all day, and I am going strong. I have gymnastics tonight, I want to go for the exercise but I really don't want to go because I'm so ashamed of my body that I want to hide away forever until I lose weight.
Oh, did I mention that theres this guy obsessed with me? Well there is. He doesn't even live near me, although he lived here a year ago. He keeps sending me messages on facebook and calling me "beautiful" and shit like that ... He's asked three of my friends to tell me he likes me. God. Plus, two other guys asked me out within the week. I hate this attention! Its the god damn weight I gained thats causing it! I think I'd MUCH rather not get all this attention from guys ... Don't get me wrong - I'm straight. Just it makes me so uncomfortable and I know they don't actually like me for who I am. I bet they just "like" my fat body and want to make fun of it...

PS: I JUST WEIGHED MYSELF! I was terrified to but after I first published this post I realised I have to if I want to lose weight. And thank god, I'm not 130lbs! I am 125lbs though ... same spot as a week ago but thats because I binged a lot lately. Oh well ... at least I didn't gain.
Plus, I planned out the rest of my month foodwise, I'll post it later because I have to go.