Motives and Goals

MOTIVES

Yes I wish I didn't want to lose weight, but my brain is infected with an ED and I do. But it's weird, because in a way it's not like some peoples' EDs, for some people it just happens with no reason. With some people they do it because of a tragic event.
I have had bad things happen in the past and bad experiances, but I also have 'motives' for losing weight and for being at an 'unhealthy weight.'

1. I feel fat and ugly; I want to feel pretty and thin.
2. My thighs and ass are out of proportion with rest of my body.
3. Less weight means less stress on my knees. (I have bad knees, they hurt often and a lot.)
4. I want to be able to wear leggings without looking fat. I don't want my thighs to touch at all. All the other girls will be jealous.
5. People will see how hard I work and won't call me 'lazy' anymore.
6. Once I'm skinny enough, the pain inside me will be showing.
7. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
8. I don't feel like me at this weight; I need to find my true self.
9. Have control over one thing in my life, which would be my body and what goes into it.
10. Feel confident.
11. Be tall and thin so people will say I look like a model, and models are gorgeous!
12. I don't want people to waste their food on me.
13. I want to be unique and not the 'average looking person.'
14. Smaller clothing sizes means less material has to be used.
15. People will be jealous of me instead of me being jealous of them.
16. Make certain girls feel fat like they make me feel ugly.
17. Save animals! (Less killing of them for food etc.)
18. There are starving children all over the world, give them my food. I only should eat when it's nessicary.
19. Show people what I am capable of doing, prove myself.
20. Free to enjoy life without my body holding me back. (I know this will not actually happen, because my ED in general holds me back from life. But the thought of it is nice.)
21. Actually be good and successful at something.
22. Not afraid to look in the mirror. (Won't happen, but again it's a nice thought.)
23. Someone will see my pain and get me help, I'm too scared to ask for help, I need help. I need help with my self harm, suicidal thoughts and ED. But I'm too shy to tell my parents, so I need to make it obvious.
24. I'm sick of making people happy by eating, it makes me so depressed. I've got to do something for myself and stop being a push-over.
25. Peers will know not to make jokes about EDs around me.
26. It will be obvious I have an ED, so I won't feel so guilty about hiding it. I'll be one person instead of two.
27. I want to know that theres someone out there who loves my unconditionally.

Yeah so that's basically it. Theres emotions and memories inside me that make me lose weight, but I wouldn't exactly call those motivating.

GOALS
Yeah,my goals are screwed up because they are unhealthy, but honsetly I don't care. Please don't hate on me for these. It's my idea of beauty for myself.I can see curvy girls and think they look great (non sexual) but it just isn't for me.

• Size zero jeans
• Three inch thigh gap (at the top)
• Waist I can fit my hands around at least half way
• Protruding hip bones (able to see through tight shirt)
• Concave stomach
• Spine and back ribs showing
• Beautiful collar bones
• Sharp cheek bones
• Clear jaw line
• No double chin whatsoever
• Small enough upper arms that I can fit my fingers around them
• Bony, delicate hands with perfect nails
• Flat bum (I honestly want a flat ass. I hate mine, it's always been big except for at my low weight.)
• Flat chest (I don't want to turn guys on sexually, I hate sexual attention. I want to know that I am loved for who I am and not my body.)
• No periods!
• Little sweating (I hardly ever sweat at my low weight, now that I gained I sweat more.)
• Pale skin is gorgeous.

My weight loss goals are:
120lbs by April 28th.
115lbs by May 8th.
110lbs by May 18th.
105lbs by May 31rst.
100lbs or less by June 19th.

This will be easy, I am making it hard for myself to lose weight. I just need to lose 25lbs. And losing 5lbs is simple if I actually try.