It's been awhile since I've posted, and I'm sorry : P.
I've been rather busy with exercising and sleeping.
I lost 7lbs so far this month, I started at 135lbs and was down to 128lbs. But then I binged two nights in a row on fruit + raisins and gained two pounds. I water fasted yesterday and today, but sadly today out of lonelyness and feeling regected and unloved, plus being pissed at my mother, I binged on 10 chocolate chip cookies and a bowl of blueberry grunt ! AH! All those carbs are going to make me go right back up to being so fat again. : (
Tomorrow I am planning to jucie fast, and I will go for a run tonight and tomorrow since I ate.
I'll weigh myself sunday morning, I was planning to tomorrow morning but there will be water weight from the cookies and shit.
I am so annoyed by this though, because after sunday all i had to eat was fruits and vegetables. I stayed away from dairy, peanut butter, processed foods and all of that nasty stuff. And just this morning I noticed my tummy had less fat and my legs are starting to look tinier. Ugh. WHY DO I BINGE : (.
Well I kind of know why, but why can't I stop it?
*sigh*
So before today my week was interesting I guess. I stayed home one day and was late for school on almost all the others.
Monday -> Only are bean salad because my parents made me have supper, there was other stuff on my plate but I didn't touch it. Then I felt like shit so went and exercised right after.
Tuesday -> Water fasted up until the evening, then I binged on fruits and I think i may have had some supper. I can't remember. I went to bed around 9pm, which is very early for me.
Wednesday -> Pretty much same as Tuesday
Thursday -> Water fast, managed to not eat supper despite my mom watching me like crazy, exercises a bunch, and hung out with my friend "Rebecca" and some random guy. Then that evening, I was talking to Jeff from 11pm until almost 2am because he felt like shit.
And yeah today, I water fasted and resisted the homemade cookies quite well. But then the friends I was going to hang out with this evening - which would have made it so easy to skip supper - made other plans with other people. Plus, lately I've been feeling so friendless because I've been losing a lot of good friends and not hanging out with them because I tend to isolate myself. So really, I was upset. I turned to food to feel less lonely, but now I am so fat from eating. No wonder I don;t have many friends. And theres still supper to come, which is pasta (AH MORE CARBS D: ) I may purge after that. And later on after I digest some, if I don't purge, I am going to exercise for at least an hour to get rid of these calories and not let the carbs totally destroy my weight loss.
Oh, funny thing that happened today. We were writing a math test, and my class has 10 people in it because it's an advanced math class. Then the power went out, and the room went pitch black because it was in the middle of the school so there were no windows. Everyone screamed except for me, I personally enjoyed the darkness. I think I didn't do too well on the test though because I haven't been able to think clearly at all lately and I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating.
I believe my math teacher realises something is up, and I may tell him whats wrong because I don't know how much longer I can stand this cutting and depression. I will not tell him anything about my ED though.
Anyways, i shall retreat back to my lonely , fat, ugly, failure self.
Bye xox
Friday, May 07, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Diet, Day 4 & 5 of 14
So I screwed up both days, I won't go into detail but I've gained 5lbs back (probably mostly water weight.) It was from major stress about school.
Last night I purged a lot, I almost passed out. And I felt like I had ripped something in my stomach, the pain was intense. Even though I purged everything my stomach got VERY swollen and bloated, up to my chest. I was terrified that I was bleeding interally! But this morning it was pretty much gone, I had very bad cramps in my legs last night from low potassium though.
I'm sick of messing up. I'm so glad that tomorrow is May 1st, I'm going to leave binging and purging behind, along with cutting. Thats not who I want to be. I miss being the tiny me, the me who had control over food (well actually my ED did, but yeah, you get the point.) I've become this way because of trying to conform to people's opinions and ways of life. But this isn't the right way for me.
So I will still diet until I'm satisfied, satisfaction comes at 110lbs or less.
But a few changes to my diet. No toast in the morning except for once a week. Hot chocolate only three times a week and no pasta at all. Basically I am going to have three small servings of fruit or veggies during the day, and no supper if I can get away with it.
My life has been all sdngafbhja this month. I think I will post a monthly reflection later.
Last night I was talking to Jeff. :)
Here is a bit of our conversation, I feel like we both love each other much so (even though he has a girlfriend) but just won't say it, it's a different type of love. Like not the sexual type, but the understanding and close feeling.
(8:46 PM) ME,: hello
(8:46 PM) HIM: HELLO!
you're awesome
btw
like i just wanna hug you
*big hug*
thank you very much
It made me smile so much! (and yes I replaced our names with 'me' and 'him')
It was really random and niether of us knew where it came from lol.
Today wasn't all that bad. I had a history test and I'm confident that I passed, I failed the last one. That class is so hard! :(
And after school my friend 'May' came over to work on a project, and then we chilled for a bit.
We've only become friends this year even though we knew each other since grade 6. But we hated each other in grade 8 because my one friend in junior high used to be her best friend and a lot of problems and fights were caused around that. We're cool now though. :)
But, she doesn't know about my ED or cutting or anything.
It was great having a friend from school over, I haven't in a long time! Like a really long time, ahahaa.
Well, I don't really feel like talking much more. Bye for now!
Last night I purged a lot, I almost passed out. And I felt like I had ripped something in my stomach, the pain was intense. Even though I purged everything my stomach got VERY swollen and bloated, up to my chest. I was terrified that I was bleeding interally! But this morning it was pretty much gone, I had very bad cramps in my legs last night from low potassium though.
I'm sick of messing up. I'm so glad that tomorrow is May 1st, I'm going to leave binging and purging behind, along with cutting. Thats not who I want to be. I miss being the tiny me, the me who had control over food (well actually my ED did, but yeah, you get the point.) I've become this way because of trying to conform to people's opinions and ways of life. But this isn't the right way for me.
So I will still diet until I'm satisfied, satisfaction comes at 110lbs or less.
But a few changes to my diet. No toast in the morning except for once a week. Hot chocolate only three times a week and no pasta at all. Basically I am going to have three small servings of fruit or veggies during the day, and no supper if I can get away with it.
My life has been all sdngafbhja this month. I think I will post a monthly reflection later.
Last night I was talking to Jeff. :)
Here is a bit of our conversation, I feel like we both love each other much so (even though he has a girlfriend) but just won't say it, it's a different type of love. Like not the sexual type, but the understanding and close feeling.
(8:46 PM) ME,: hello
(8:46 PM) HIM: HELLO!
you're awesome
btw
like i just wanna hug you
*big hug*
thank you very much
It made me smile so much! (and yes I replaced our names with 'me' and 'him')
It was really random and niether of us knew where it came from lol.
Today wasn't all that bad. I had a history test and I'm confident that I passed, I failed the last one. That class is so hard! :(
And after school my friend 'May' came over to work on a project, and then we chilled for a bit.
We've only become friends this year even though we knew each other since grade 6. But we hated each other in grade 8 because my one friend in junior high used to be her best friend and a lot of problems and fights were caused around that. We're cool now though. :)
But, she doesn't know about my ED or cutting or anything.
It was great having a friend from school over, I haven't in a long time! Like a really long time, ahahaa.
Well, I don't really feel like talking much more. Bye for now!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Deit, Day 3 of 14
This morning I woke up late again, didn't have time for breakfast (had to exercise though!) and didn't have time to make myself a lunch. I decided I'd water fast.
When Igot home I realised I wouldhave to have supper tonight, usually I'm not home for supper Wednesdays but I was today and had no way out of it.
Supper was spaghetti. Carb alert! D: I thought I'd fruit before it so I wouldn't fill up on spaghetti. I took an apple to my room and tried to eat it.
But I couldn't, I got no more than half eaten before I gave up, it was just too painful and I was scared of it, felt ugly, and fat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat it but I just couldn't.
When supper was served I almost cried when I looked at my plate, I wanted to eat it but I didn't , you know? And I knew I'd have to force myself to because my whole family was there. Plus spaghetti used to be (and my mom thinks still is) my favorite meal. I was the last one done, usually I am the first just so I can get away from the supper table.
I think the carbs set off a 'binge tigger' in me, because after that I snuck big bowl of icecream and five (yes, fuckmylife, FIVE) cookies to my room and stuffed them in my face in a matter of seconds. Then I purged and cut.
Gah! So I broke two of my rules, no ice cream and no baked goods. * sad face *
PLUS, there was meat in the spaghetti sauce (and meatballs, but I asked to not have them) I tried to not eat the sauce - didn't mix it in with my spaghetti jsut left it on top.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. I can try again.
But I'm scared that the amount of carbs I've had today will make me gain weight.
I haven't weighed myself today, I'll wait for tomorrow since theres probabl water weight right now.
But because of the extra crazy amount of carbs today, I won't have toast for the next few days and I will do extra cardio too.
When Igot home I realised I wouldhave to have supper tonight, usually I'm not home for supper Wednesdays but I was today and had no way out of it.
Supper was spaghetti. Carb alert! D: I thought I'd fruit before it so I wouldn't fill up on spaghetti. I took an apple to my room and tried to eat it.
But I couldn't, I got no more than half eaten before I gave up, it was just too painful and I was scared of it, felt ugly, and fat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat it but I just couldn't.
When supper was served I almost cried when I looked at my plate, I wanted to eat it but I didn't , you know? And I knew I'd have to force myself to because my whole family was there. Plus spaghetti used to be (and my mom thinks still is) my favorite meal. I was the last one done, usually I am the first just so I can get away from the supper table.
I think the carbs set off a 'binge tigger' in me, because after that I snuck big bowl of icecream and five (yes, fuckmylife, FIVE) cookies to my room and stuffed them in my face in a matter of seconds. Then I purged and cut.
Gah! So I broke two of my rules, no ice cream and no baked goods. * sad face *
PLUS, there was meat in the spaghetti sauce (and meatballs, but I asked to not have them) I tried to not eat the sauce - didn't mix it in with my spaghetti jsut left it on top.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. I can try again.
But I'm scared that the amount of carbs I've had today will make me gain weight.
I haven't weighed myself today, I'll wait for tomorrow since theres probabl water weight right now.
But because of the extra crazy amount of carbs today, I won't have toast for the next few days and I will do extra cardio too.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Diet, Day 2 of 14
I'm guilty. I binged last night. ON BANANAS!
So not too bad! I had 7 or 8 bananas, which adds at least 800 calories to my total for yesterday. But that's better than having 800 calories of ice cream that's filled with fat.
Today has been ok.
I got up and exercised right away, then had my toast with jam as planned.
But then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:00am. Late for school! My mom called in so I could take my time getting ready and walking there.
But this set me off. Before I left I ate pineapple and cantaloupe, I didn't count the calories so I'm guessing 150. There also was this French Vanilla Fruit Dip and I finished that off - 45 calories for three tablespoons and fat free, I think i had about 150 calories worth. I'm still annoyed by it, and I did purge a bit.
Then after school I made fruit salad (one banana, four apples, honeydew melon, tsp lemon juice and two oranges = 750 calories.)
I ate most of that spread out this evening.
My mom asked me if I wanted some supper and I plainly said "No." (Funny thing is, right after that she told my sister to come down and have supper.)
When I was getting more fruit salad she said I should have vegetables. So I had baby carrots, cucumber and red pepper, no more than 100 calories.
So my total for today is 1255 calories. Uhm .... yuck. I can't believe I had that much. Ugghh. But I guess it's not bad for a 'normal diet' and it all (besides the dip and toast) was in raw fruits or vegetables, plus it's better having that spread out all day than in two minutes in ice cream like when I binge. (Not doing that ever again ..)
And I've managed to avoid the chocolate chip cookies my mom bought today! I want one but I just can't have it, so I didn't. They just sat there on the counter while I was making my fruit salad and I wasn't tempted. I took three and threw them out to make it look like I had some though.
I still need to exercise a lot. I had planned on going for a run but it is, was, raining. I still might go. And then I'll do extra stuff after since I missed exercising after school.
Oh, and I weighed myself before I left for school.
I am down 4lbs, so I'm at 126lbs.
Not bad for two days of dieting. I'm going to pump up the cardio and lower the calories, might even water or liquid fast for a day or two, so that I can get to 120lbs by the end of the month.
Now for none diet news...
I've realised that my self esteem has gotten so low, because another reason I was later getting up is that I feel so ashamed and ugly that I just want to hide in my bed all day so no one can see my body, even so I can't.
When I was getting dressed I totally avoided looking at my stomach in the mirror, and I didn't even look down at it. Then when I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror after getting dressed I almost cried! I miss being tiny, I miss it, my body has betrayed me, or have I betrayed my body? Aaaaahhh.
I'm so ugly feeling I don't want to live. I may never be beautiful. I may never be thin enough. But I'm going to try.
Ickk, I've also found out that I have a dentist appointment on June 25. I sure hope I haven't done enough damage to my teeth from purging that they'll notice. I'm trying hard to lighten up on it and I'm going to use pro-enamel toothpaste in hopes my teeth get healthier.
Also, May 2nd is my grandfather's birthday. My uncle is having a party and I haven't seen a lot of my family since Christmas. At Christmas I was 15lbs lighter. I am so scared of what they'll say to me. Ahh, i'm going to want to cry, not looking forward to that day.
So not too bad! I had 7 or 8 bananas, which adds at least 800 calories to my total for yesterday. But that's better than having 800 calories of ice cream that's filled with fat.
Today has been ok.
I got up and exercised right away, then had my toast with jam as planned.
But then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:00am. Late for school! My mom called in so I could take my time getting ready and walking there.
But this set me off. Before I left I ate pineapple and cantaloupe, I didn't count the calories so I'm guessing 150. There also was this French Vanilla Fruit Dip and I finished that off - 45 calories for three tablespoons and fat free, I think i had about 150 calories worth. I'm still annoyed by it, and I did purge a bit.
Then after school I made fruit salad (one banana, four apples, honeydew melon, tsp lemon juice and two oranges = 750 calories.)
I ate most of that spread out this evening.
My mom asked me if I wanted some supper and I plainly said "No." (Funny thing is, right after that she told my sister to come down and have supper.)
When I was getting more fruit salad she said I should have vegetables. So I had baby carrots, cucumber and red pepper, no more than 100 calories.
So my total for today is 1255 calories. Uhm .... yuck. I can't believe I had that much. Ugghh. But I guess it's not bad for a 'normal diet' and it all (besides the dip and toast) was in raw fruits or vegetables, plus it's better having that spread out all day than in two minutes in ice cream like when I binge. (Not doing that ever again ..)
And I've managed to avoid the chocolate chip cookies my mom bought today! I want one but I just can't have it, so I didn't. They just sat there on the counter while I was making my fruit salad and I wasn't tempted. I took three and threw them out to make it look like I had some though.
I still need to exercise a lot. I had planned on going for a run but it is, was, raining. I still might go. And then I'll do extra stuff after since I missed exercising after school.
Oh, and I weighed myself before I left for school.
I am down 4lbs, so I'm at 126lbs.
Not bad for two days of dieting. I'm going to pump up the cardio and lower the calories, might even water or liquid fast for a day or two, so that I can get to 120lbs by the end of the month.
Now for none diet news...
I've realised that my self esteem has gotten so low, because another reason I was later getting up is that I feel so ashamed and ugly that I just want to hide in my bed all day so no one can see my body, even so I can't.
When I was getting dressed I totally avoided looking at my stomach in the mirror, and I didn't even look down at it. Then when I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror after getting dressed I almost cried! I miss being tiny, I miss it, my body has betrayed me, or have I betrayed my body? Aaaaahhh.
I'm so ugly feeling I don't want to live. I may never be beautiful. I may never be thin enough. But I'm going to try.
Ickk, I've also found out that I have a dentist appointment on June 25. I sure hope I haven't done enough damage to my teeth from purging that they'll notice. I'm trying hard to lighten up on it and I'm going to use pro-enamel toothpaste in hopes my teeth get healthier.
Also, May 2nd is my grandfather's birthday. My uncle is having a party and I haven't seen a lot of my family since Christmas. At Christmas I was 15lbs lighter. I am so scared of what they'll say to me. Ahh, i'm going to want to cry, not looking forward to that day.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Diet; Day 1 of 14.
It was so hard to get out of bed tis morning, for I have an awful chest cold and I'm all achy. It's getting better though, depsite the fact that I have pulled a few muscles in my stomach & side from coughing so hard. Oh my, haha. I managed to make it through the day though, it wouldn't have been too bad if I was feeling healthier. In english class we had a substitute and she let us listen to our iPods. THANK HOLY GOD! I love my music and I practically die without it during the school day. xD
I've been doing well today, stuck to my diet plan! I've done all the planned exercise so far too.
For breakfast I had my toast and jam, I didn't have time to make my lunch (I was running ate and was almost late for class this morning) so I didn't bother. After school I had my hot chocolate and for supper we had chicken strips with french fries - I had salad instead of fries. I have also had a banana.
My total calorie intake for today has been 510 calories (approximent.)
This is good, I don't feel like binging and I actually wish I had eaten less. I haven't weighed myself today. But I think I'll wait for tomorrow or when my period stops (wow, first time it actually has been completely normal!)
Right now I am typing up my History Research Paper rough copy, it's due tomorrow and I just started, ah! I need 1500 words a least and so far I only have 415. Ughh. Good thing I don't have gymnastics tonight.
Anyways, I better go, I'm going to type 500 more words and then do my evening exercise and maybe walk to the store to buy a new journal.
Yes, I keep journals. xD
Stay strong everyone!
I've been doing well today, stuck to my diet plan! I've done all the planned exercise so far too.
For breakfast I had my toast and jam, I didn't have time to make my lunch (I was running ate and was almost late for class this morning) so I didn't bother. After school I had my hot chocolate and for supper we had chicken strips with french fries - I had salad instead of fries. I have also had a banana.
My total calorie intake for today has been 510 calories (approximent.)
This is good, I don't feel like binging and I actually wish I had eaten less. I haven't weighed myself today. But I think I'll wait for tomorrow or when my period stops (wow, first time it actually has been completely normal!)
Right now I am typing up my History Research Paper rough copy, it's due tomorrow and I just started, ah! I need 1500 words a least and so far I only have 415. Ughh. Good thing I don't have gymnastics tonight.
Anyways, I better go, I'm going to type 500 more words and then do my evening exercise and maybe walk to the store to buy a new journal.
Yes, I keep journals. xD
Stay strong everyone!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Three bows of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Four blueberry squares.
Three graham crackers with peanut butter.
I just ate all that shit and I wish I hadn't.
I'm fat enough already!
Thank god I'm starting my diet tomorrow.
I'm going to eat as little as possible for as long as possible.
The plan I made will be what I will eat at the MOST.
I want to see how much weight I can lose.
I've found out that I can make the scale go up to 130lbs+
Now it's time to see how low I can go.
Four blueberry squares.
Three graham crackers with peanut butter.
I just ate all that shit and I wish I hadn't.
I'm fat enough already!
Thank god I'm starting my diet tomorrow.
I'm going to eat as little as possible for as long as possible.
The plan I made will be what I will eat at the MOST.
I want to see how much weight I can lose.
I've found out that I can make the scale go up to 130lbs+
Now it's time to see how low I can go.
A New Level Of Control
After fnding out that I don't always pass my work on in time, sometimes dn't do all my homework, and that my grades are dropping a bit my mom decided she needs to step in.
She took my phone away until all my homework is done.
MY GOD DAMN PHONE THAT I BOUGHT, I PAY FOR MONTHLY AND I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
She has decided it distracts me from doing my work.
No.
Just no.
It doesn't.
What distracts me is the fact that I'm suicidal. I get stressed easy, I cut. I binge, I purge, I exercise a lot.
My phone doesn\t negatively affect my school work,
As a matter of fact, it keeps me alive somedays. Because it's one of the two ways I can communicate with Jeff - and he keeps me from killing myself. The only other way I have to talk to him is msn and he's hardly ever on it ...
I need to talk to him!
But I can't get ahold of him, because my mom took my phone.
I wish I could walk to his house, but he lives 100km away.
Fuck my life.
I'm scared for him too, because he also greatly relies on me for his safety, and if he can't get ahold of me either I don't know what will happen.
This control my mom demands to have over me is driving me crazy.
AH!
SORRY IM NOT GOD DAMN PERFEcT. SORRY I DONT DO EVERTHING HOW YOU WANT. BUT I HAVE MY OWN LIFE. I NEED TO CONTROL IT, NOT LIVE IT HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE REAL ME. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT DISTRACTS ME. YOU CANT BE UP MY BACK 24/7. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! YOU MAKE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
if only you knew ...
I hope someday you find this blog and read it.
I want you to feel as bad as you've made me feel. Feel the guilt you cause me, feel the pain I have, and realise I HATE you.
I honestly do.
With my whole god damned heart.
I hate you.
I don't care if you're my mother, and my dad, I hate you.
I hate you for even bringing me into this world.
I hate you for being controlling.
I hate you for expecting so much.
I hate you for being so immature.
I hate you for causing me saddness, guilt, anger.
I hate you for forcing me to eat.
JUST LET ME WASTE AWAY WOULD YOU!?
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
She took my phone away until all my homework is done.
MY GOD DAMN PHONE THAT I BOUGHT, I PAY FOR MONTHLY AND I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
She has decided it distracts me from doing my work.
No.
Just no.
It doesn't.
What distracts me is the fact that I'm suicidal. I get stressed easy, I cut. I binge, I purge, I exercise a lot.
My phone doesn\t negatively affect my school work,
As a matter of fact, it keeps me alive somedays. Because it's one of the two ways I can communicate with Jeff - and he keeps me from killing myself. The only other way I have to talk to him is msn and he's hardly ever on it ...
I need to talk to him!
But I can't get ahold of him, because my mom took my phone.
I wish I could walk to his house, but he lives 100km away.
Fuck my life.
I'm scared for him too, because he also greatly relies on me for his safety, and if he can't get ahold of me either I don't know what will happen.
This control my mom demands to have over me is driving me crazy.
AH!
SORRY IM NOT GOD DAMN PERFEcT. SORRY I DONT DO EVERTHING HOW YOU WANT. BUT I HAVE MY OWN LIFE. I NEED TO CONTROL IT, NOT LIVE IT HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE REAL ME. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT DISTRACTS ME. YOU CANT BE UP MY BACK 24/7. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! YOU MAKE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
if only you knew ...
I hope someday you find this blog and read it.
I want you to feel as bad as you've made me feel. Feel the guilt you cause me, feel the pain I have, and realise I HATE you.
I honestly do.
With my whole god damned heart.
I hate you.
I don't care if you're my mother, and my dad, I hate you.
I hate you for even bringing me into this world.
I hate you for being controlling.
I hate you for expecting so much.
I hate you for being so immature.
I hate you for causing me saddness, guilt, anger.
I hate you for forcing me to eat.
JUST LET ME WASTE AWAY WOULD YOU!?
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
Diet, Day ZERO.
This was supposed to be te first day of my diet, but I was right pissed off when I woke up. I weighed myself. 130lbs. Right where I was a week ago!
So then I went downstairs to the kitchen and binged on toast. I had 7 slices - 75 calories a slice. I had them with buter, jam, nutella, or peanut butter. I even had a couple plain. I am so disgusting.
I'm not going to eat for rest of the day, and later on I am going to go out and buy water pills because I'm very bloated from binging and also from my period. I think they will help me lose water weight. I might take some laxatives too because I feel so filthy inside.
Tomorrow I'll really start it, and since I'll be at school it'll be much easier because I won't hve the time to binge in the morning.
Last week I managed to lose 6lbs in a few days. I hope to do the same.
My goal was to be 120lbs on Wednesday and I am still going to try to make that happen.
Bye.
So then I went downstairs to the kitchen and binged on toast. I had 7 slices - 75 calories a slice. I had them with buter, jam, nutella, or peanut butter. I even had a couple plain. I am so disgusting.
I'm not going to eat for rest of the day, and later on I am going to go out and buy water pills because I'm very bloated from binging and also from my period. I think they will help me lose water weight. I might take some laxatives too because I feel so filthy inside.
Tomorrow I'll really start it, and since I'll be at school it'll be much easier because I won't hve the time to binge in the morning.
Last week I managed to lose 6lbs in a few days. I hope to do the same.
My goal was to be 120lbs on Wednesday and I am still going to try to make that happen.
Bye.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Two Week Diet Plan
I've had it. I'm sick of barely eating and losin weight and then binging and gaining it back.
What am I going to do?
A NORMAL PERSON DIET.
No joke.
I'm going to have no more than 1200 calories a day (yeah, maybe a bit low for 'normal people' but whatever) or three meals a day andtwo snacks.
My daily plan will be the same everyday, with a few exceptions.
Here it is:
Breakfast: - whole wheat toast
- tbsp strawberry jam
- water = 105 calories
Lunch: - salad made of lettuce, carrots, celery, and lemon juice
- 2 graham crackers = 90 calories
Afternoon Snack: - hot chocolate (2 tsp powder) = 40 calories
Supper: - ¾ of what my mom serves me for supper (up to 500 cals)
- ½ cup skim milk = 545 calories
Evening Snack: - one apple or one orange
- glass of water
- ¼ cup Kellog's All Bran cereal = 150 calories
Exceptions:
Friday Evening: 3 cups plain air-popped popcorn (93 calories)
Wednesday Morning: 1 cup orange juice (120 calories)
Well , that seems like a lot of eating. The daily total is 840 calories, HAHAHA! That's below my limit by a decent amount, so I guess it's 'an unhealthy and unsafe' amount. But hey, it's safer than binging and purging!
But I'm going to stick with this for two weeks and see where it takes me.
But I'm hoping that by it being spread out well I won't binge, and it's healthy so I'll probably lose weight. At least I'm hoping too!
Rules:
- No eating after 7:30PM ever, no excuse.
- If I miss a planned meal, no making up for it later.
- When pasta is for supper, only eat ½ of the served amount.
- No baked goods.
- No ice cream, peanut butter or marshmellows (major binge foods)
- Only eat chicken and tuna meat.
- Exercise daily.
- Weigh in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays
DAILY EXERCISE:
Morning Exercise:
- 100 situps
- 25 leg lifts front, sides, back
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
- 20 pushups
- 50 jumping jacks
Afternoon Exercise:
- 30 minutes rollerblading or 30 minute jog (alternate daily, take one day off per week)
- 200 jumping jacks
- 25 squats
- 20 pushups
- 100 situps
- Practice gymnastics + dance moves for 15 minutes
Evening Exercise:
- 15 minutes hula hooping
- 30 minute walk
- 100 situps
- 100 hollow body rocks front, side, back (exercise learned at gymnastics)
- 20 pushups
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
Extra Exercise on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday:
- 10 minutes jump rope
- 10 minutes running
- 10 minutes cycling
Yeah, so that's it.
I know I can do this! I know it! I am going to try my hardest and work for the goals I've set and get myself some rewards! :D
So what do you think of this?
I am going to update daily, with my SUCCESSES! Not my failures, because I am not going to fail. And I will post my weight three times a week, I am going to start this diet tomorrow for good, but I will follow my evening exercise and my supper plan today.
Start weight: 128lbs
(Yeah, I gained 4lbs from binging for three days.)
What am I going to do?
A NORMAL PERSON DIET.
No joke.
I'm going to have no more than 1200 calories a day (yeah, maybe a bit low for 'normal people' but whatever) or three meals a day andtwo snacks.
My daily plan will be the same everyday, with a few exceptions.
Here it is:
Breakfast: - whole wheat toast
- tbsp strawberry jam
- water = 105 calories
Lunch: - salad made of lettuce, carrots, celery, and lemon juice
- 2 graham crackers = 90 calories
Afternoon Snack: - hot chocolate (2 tsp powder) = 40 calories
Supper: - ¾ of what my mom serves me for supper (up to 500 cals)
- ½ cup skim milk = 545 calories
Evening Snack: - one apple or one orange
- glass of water
- ¼ cup Kellog's All Bran cereal = 150 calories
Exceptions:
Friday Evening: 3 cups plain air-popped popcorn (93 calories)
Wednesday Morning: 1 cup orange juice (120 calories)
Well , that seems like a lot of eating. The daily total is 840 calories, HAHAHA! That's below my limit by a decent amount, so I guess it's 'an unhealthy and unsafe' amount. But hey, it's safer than binging and purging!
But I'm going to stick with this for two weeks and see where it takes me.
But I'm hoping that by it being spread out well I won't binge, and it's healthy so I'll probably lose weight. At least I'm hoping too!
Rules:
- No eating after 7:30PM ever, no excuse.
- If I miss a planned meal, no making up for it later.
- When pasta is for supper, only eat ½ of the served amount.
- No baked goods.
- No ice cream, peanut butter or marshmellows (major binge foods)
- Only eat chicken and tuna meat.
- Exercise daily.
- Weigh in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays
DAILY EXERCISE:
Morning Exercise:
- 100 situps
- 25 leg lifts front, sides, back
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
- 20 pushups
- 50 jumping jacks
Afternoon Exercise:
- 30 minutes rollerblading or 30 minute jog (alternate daily, take one day off per week)
- 200 jumping jacks
- 25 squats
- 20 pushups
- 100 situps
- Practice gymnastics + dance moves for 15 minutes
Evening Exercise:
- 15 minutes hula hooping
- 30 minute walk
- 100 situps
- 100 hollow body rocks front, side, back (exercise learned at gymnastics)
- 20 pushups
- 25 kicks each leg front, side, back
Extra Exercise on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday:
- 10 minutes jump rope
- 10 minutes running
- 10 minutes cycling
Yeah, so that's it.
I know I can do this! I know it! I am going to try my hardest and work for the goals I've set and get myself some rewards! :D
So what do you think of this?
I am going to update daily, with my SUCCESSES! Not my failures, because I am not going to fail. And I will post my weight three times a week, I am going to start this diet tomorrow for good, but I will follow my evening exercise and my supper plan today.
Start weight: 128lbs
(Yeah, I gained 4lbs from binging for three days.)
Friday, April 23, 2010
FML.
I binged.
I'm so sick of not having control.
I either can barely eat, or cannot stop eating.
So I purged some.
Then I cut.
It won't stop bleeding.
Fuck my life.
No more food.
It's so much easier not to try to beat anorexia.
I'll just let it consume me, because if I try to eat normal I binge.
And that never turns out good.
I'm so sick of not having control.
I either can barely eat, or cannot stop eating.
So I purged some.
Then I cut.
It won't stop bleeding.
Fuck my life.
No more food.
It's so much easier not to try to beat anorexia.
I'll just let it consume me, because if I try to eat normal I binge.
And that never turns out good.
Concerning The Boy I Love,
OHMYFUCK OHMYFUCK OHMYFUCK.
I am so proud of Jeff!
He cuts, is depressed and is suicidal too.
But I just got a text from him a few minutes ago and today at school he went to guidance and got help!!
I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF HIM! :D
I am so proud of Jeff!
He cuts, is depressed and is suicidal too.
But I just got a text from him a few minutes ago and today at school he went to guidance and got help!!
I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF HIM! :D
Rewards
Goal Weights:
120lbs = turquoise nail polish; $3.99
115lbs = tee shirt from Hot Topic (Breathe Carolina or Alesana)
110lbs = short-shorts and leggings
105lbs = iPod dock and new shirt
100lbs = $100.00 shopping spree for summer/spring clothing
Self Harm:
- 1 week cut free = Spend up to$10.00 on make up
- 2 weeks cut free = New Bracelet(s)
- 1 month cut free = Summer Dress (get mum to buy for me, for a special family occasion on June 19th)
Binge Foods/Fatty Foods:
- 1 week no ice cream + peanut butter = Straighten hair (I love to straighten my hair, but if eat like a fat pig I can't have nice hair.)
- 2 weeks no ice cream + peanut butter = Bio Oil (to help self harm scars fade)
- No marshmellows or chocolate for two weeks = 3/4 sleeve shirt
Different Diets:
- 5 day water fast = ‘Excel Mist’ gum (it's new, and delicious!) and Sugar Free Red Bull (I know, not good for me, but whatever, it's the best, and I'll need my energy after not eating for 5 days)
- 5 days just fruit and veggies = ‘Stride’ gum
- 2 weeks without high carb foods = new skirt
I was going to have pictures because I wanted to share my taste in clothing and such, but I hate uploading pictures on here, my laptop disagrees with doing it. Hahahaha. :p
Here are links, sorry there are so many, but I'm just rather indecisive. Obviously I am not going to get all of these, but they are things I like:
Hot Topic Shirts (1) (2) (3) -> favorite is #3
Tops: (1) (2)
Sweaters: (1) (2)
Belts: (1)
Bracelets (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
Shorts (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) -> favorite is #3 or #6
Skirts (1) (2)
Dresses (1) (2) (3)
iPod Docks (1) (2) (3) -> favorite is #1
120lbs = turquoise nail polish; $3.99
115lbs = tee shirt from Hot Topic (Breathe Carolina or Alesana)
110lbs = short-shorts and leggings
105lbs = iPod dock and new shirt
100lbs = $100.00 shopping spree for summer/spring clothing
Self Harm:
- 1 week cut free = Spend up to$10.00 on make up
- 2 weeks cut free = New Bracelet(s)
- 1 month cut free = Summer Dress (get mum to buy for me, for a special family occasion on June 19th)
Binge Foods/Fatty Foods:
- 1 week no ice cream + peanut butter = Straighten hair (I love to straighten my hair, but if eat like a fat pig I can't have nice hair.)
- 2 weeks no ice cream + peanut butter = Bio Oil (to help self harm scars fade)
- No marshmellows or chocolate for two weeks = 3/4 sleeve shirt
Different Diets:
- 5 day water fast = ‘Excel Mist’ gum (it's new, and delicious!) and Sugar Free Red Bull (I know, not good for me, but whatever, it's the best, and I'll need my energy after not eating for 5 days)
- 5 days just fruit and veggies = ‘Stride’ gum
- 2 weeks without high carb foods = new skirt
I was going to have pictures because I wanted to share my taste in clothing and such, but I hate uploading pictures on here, my laptop disagrees with doing it. Hahahaha. :p
Here are links, sorry there are so many, but I'm just rather indecisive. Obviously I am not going to get all of these, but they are things I like:
Hot Topic Shirts (1) (2) (3) -> favorite is #3
Tops: (1) (2)
Sweaters: (1) (2)
Belts: (1)
Bracelets (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
Shorts (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) -> favorite is #3 or #6
Skirts (1) (2)
Dresses (1) (2) (3)
iPod Docks (1) (2) (3) -> favorite is #1
Motives and Goals
MOTIVES
Yes I wish I didn't want to lose weight, but my brain is infected with an ED and I do. But it's weird, because in a way it's not like some peoples' EDs, for some people it just happens with no reason. With some people they do it because of a tragic event.I have had bad things happen in the past and bad experiances, but I also have 'motives' for losing weight and for being at an 'unhealthy weight.'
- I feel fat and ugly; I want to feel pretty and thin.
- My thighs and ass are out of proportion with rest of my body.
- Less weight means less stress on my knees. (I have bad knees, they hurt often and a lot.)
- I want to be able to wear leggings without looking fat. I don't want my thighs to touch at all. All the other girls will be jealous.
- People will see how hard I work and won't call me 'lazy' anymore.
- Once I'm skinny enough, the pain inside me will be showing.
- I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
- I don't feel like me at this weight; I need to find my true self.
- Have control over one thing in my life, which would be my body and what goes into it.
- Feel confident.
- Be tall and thin so people will say I look like a model, and models are gorgeous!
- I don't want people to waste their food on me.
- I want to be unique and not the 'average looking person.'
- Smaller clothing sizes means less material has to be used.
- People will be jealous of me instead of me being jealous of them.
- Make certain girls feel fat like they make me feel ugly.
- Save animals! (Less killing of them for food etc.)
- There are starving children all over the world, give them my food. I only should eat when it's nessicary.
- Show people what I am capable of doing, prove myself.
- Free to enjoy life without my body holding me back. (I know this will not actually happen, because my ED in general holds me back from life. But the thought of it is nice.)
- Actually be good and successful at something.
- Not afraid to look in the mirror. (Won't happen, but again it's a nice thought.)
- Someone will see my pain and get me help, I'm too scared to ask for help, I need help. I need help with my self harm, suicidal thoughts and ED. But I'm too shy to tell my parents, so I need to make it obvious.
- I'm sick of making people happy by eating, it makes me so depressed. I've got to do something for myself and stop being a push-over.
- Peers will know not to make jokes about EDs around me.
- It will be obvious I have an ED, so I won't feel so guilty about hiding it. I'll be one person instead of two.
- I want to know that theres someone out there who loves my unconditionally.
GOALS
Yeah,my goals are screwed up because they are unhealthy, but honsetly I don't care. Please don't hate on me for these. It's my idea of beauty for myself.I can see curvy girls and think they look great (non sexual) but it just isn't for me.
Yeah,my goals are screwed up because they are unhealthy, but honsetly I don't care. Please don't hate on me for these. It's my idea of beauty for myself.I can see curvy girls and think they look great (non sexual) but it just isn't for me.
- Size zero jeans
- Three inch thigh gap (at the top)
- Waist I can fit my hands around at least half way
- Protruding hip bones (able to see through tight shirt)
- Concave stomach
- Spine and back ribs showing
- Beautiful collar bones
- Sharp cheek bones
- Clear jaw line
- No double chin whatsoever
- Small enough upper arms that I can fit my fingers around them
- Bony, delicate hands with perfect nails
- Flat bum (I honestly want a flat ass. I hate mine, it's always been big except for at my low weight.)
- Flat chest (I don't want to turn guys on sexually, I hate sexual attention. I want to know that I am loved for who I am and not my body.)
- No periods!
- Little sweating (I hardly ever sweat at my low weight, now that I gained I sweat more.)
- Pale skin is gorgeous.
120lbs by April 28th.
115lbs by May 8th.
110lbs by May 18th.
105lbs by May 31rst.
100lbs or less by June 19th.
This will be easy, I am making it hard for myself to lose weight. I just need to lose 25lbs. And losing 5lbs is simple if I actually try.
No School Today!
I totally blew it. I did good all this week up until yesterday. I even managed to make it past my usual binging time on Tuesday evening without much effort at all!
Last night I ended up having a binge on icecream and peanut butter because no one was home but me, and I felt like I could finally eat without being judged - I went overboard. I purged most of it, well actually only some of it, and then I went for an hour walk with Lorraine because she was in town with her mother.
The morning after a binge I still have a huge appetite, and even though I could resist eating I try not to because binging and then having nothing the next day just causes more binges (haha, oh dear, I know from experiance.)
I had planned on going for a run but my stomach was too bloated still from last night and I thought it'd hurt, plus after binging I get so lazy.
For breakfast I had a bowl of plain yogurt (200cals) with All Bran cereal (80cals). If I left it at that it would have been great, but noooooo. I decided to have a piece of whole wheat bread (75cals) with peanut butter, I went crazy with the peanut butter and I'm guessing I had 1000cals of it. Then I visited the freezer and had icecream, probably at least 500cals of it. So I've only been awake for 30 minutes today and I've already had 1855 calories, probably more. So I'd say 2000 calories.
I seriosuly want to cry. That is so shameful.
I don't understand how I can do this when yesterday while my mom wasn't looking, I hid half the orange I was supposed to be eating for breakfast, and then threw that bit out. And theres only 85 calories in the oranges we have but I was too disgusted to eat it all.
Now I imagine I am almost 130lbs again from water weight, and I believe I would have gained 1.5lbs of fat.
I think this binging is happening because I am on my period. WHAT THE HELL.
This is only the third time I've had it within a 10 months. I lost it from July to Decemeber because I wasn't eating well and I was supposedly 'underweight.' In January I got it very lightly but I wouldn't even count that one because it lasted about a day. And I had it once it either March or February, and now I am currently. Those three still are lighter and shorter than they used to be, but they make me feel so god damned fat. If I weigh enough to get it, that means I have to lose weight, that means I'm not thin.
WOAH. Another motive right there for losing weight, I'll lose my period again!
Yeah I know the dangers of losing it, weaker bones, infertility etc. But honestly I don't care, and I've always wanted to adopt children anyways because I don't want stretch marks from being pregnant.
I think I'll create a new post with my plan (that was working until I binged) + goals (new set ones) + rewards (with pictures.) And then I'll create a seperate one with my motives for losing weight. Actually, I think I'll make that one first. Whatever.
Byeee.
Woah I just realised that theres three months exactly until I turn 16!!
Last night I ended up having a binge on icecream and peanut butter because no one was home but me, and I felt like I could finally eat without being judged - I went overboard. I purged most of it, well actually only some of it, and then I went for an hour walk with Lorraine because she was in town with her mother.
The morning after a binge I still have a huge appetite, and even though I could resist eating I try not to because binging and then having nothing the next day just causes more binges (haha, oh dear, I know from experiance.)
I had planned on going for a run but my stomach was too bloated still from last night and I thought it'd hurt, plus after binging I get so lazy.
For breakfast I had a bowl of plain yogurt (200cals) with All Bran cereal (80cals). If I left it at that it would have been great, but noooooo. I decided to have a piece of whole wheat bread (75cals) with peanut butter, I went crazy with the peanut butter and I'm guessing I had 1000cals of it. Then I visited the freezer and had icecream, probably at least 500cals of it. So I've only been awake for 30 minutes today and I've already had 1855 calories, probably more. So I'd say 2000 calories.
I seriosuly want to cry. That is so shameful.
I don't understand how I can do this when yesterday while my mom wasn't looking, I hid half the orange I was supposed to be eating for breakfast, and then threw that bit out. And theres only 85 calories in the oranges we have but I was too disgusted to eat it all.
Now I imagine I am almost 130lbs again from water weight, and I believe I would have gained 1.5lbs of fat.
I think this binging is happening because I am on my period. WHAT THE HELL.
This is only the third time I've had it within a 10 months. I lost it from July to Decemeber because I wasn't eating well and I was supposedly 'underweight.' In January I got it very lightly but I wouldn't even count that one because it lasted about a day. And I had it once it either March or February, and now I am currently. Those three still are lighter and shorter than they used to be, but they make me feel so god damned fat. If I weigh enough to get it, that means I have to lose weight, that means I'm not thin.
WOAH. Another motive right there for losing weight, I'll lose my period again!
Yeah I know the dangers of losing it, weaker bones, infertility etc. But honestly I don't care, and I've always wanted to adopt children anyways because I don't want stretch marks from being pregnant.
I think I'll create a new post with my plan (that was working until I binged) + goals (new set ones) + rewards (with pictures.) And then I'll create a seperate one with my motives for losing weight. Actually, I think I'll make that one first. Whatever.
Byeee.
Woah I just realised that theres three months exactly until I turn 16!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Pictures at 125lbs, after gaining 15lbs from binging + purging and trying to self recover.
I know I really shouldn't be complaining abouy my body since my BMI says I'm at the low end of the healthy weight range. But I can't help it! I hate it and I wish I never gained 15lbs. People always doubt me when I say I've gained, but I used to be smaller and I miss it so much! I'm working at getting back there.
Stomach and hips.
I've lost my hip bones.
I don't like my stomach all that much.
And I've lost my tiny waist. ='(
My legs. I do not enjoy having thighs that touch, they apear to barely touch in this picture because I was bent over a bit to get a good angle.
This is the first time they've touched in almost a year!
A lot of my jeans are too tight now, Eurrgh.
Carido is key for weight loss! I've started running again and have been cutting out high carb foods and I am already seeing results.
Stomach laying down.
Ick, just plain ick. I don't like it.
I have this lump of fat under my belly button and it pisses me off.
Plus, as you can see, more fat around my hip bones.
What you can't see is that my ribs barely show anymore.
God, I feel awful.
I wish I could love my body..
The sad thing is that a bit over a year ago I would have been so satisfied with my body like this. But I so desire to be 110lbs AND LESS again, because I was more self confident then and all that.
A big part of my motivation is that I'll be able to fit into my favorite jeans again, and I can wear tightish shirts without feeling like I'm hanging out everywheres.
A big part of my motivation is that I'll be able to fit into my favorite jeans again, and I can wear tightish shirts without feeling like I'm hanging out everywheres.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I'm Your Mind Giving You Someone To Talk To
My mother did it again.
I had gymnastics after school and when I got back (although I was home briefly before) she immediately told me my supper was in the microwave. It was steak, potatoes and carrots. Not that bad but there was gravy. All I can think of when I see gravy is how fatty it seems. I complained and said I didn't want it, you know what my mom said? She was like, 'Either eat or or have nothing. There's no reason you can't have a decent supper."
Now, normal people would have reluctantly eaten it. But since I'm frigged up I choose not to eat it, but then as I was leaving the kitchen she said, "It better be eaten by 7:30!" (This was around 6.)
God, it's pissing me off. I was worried I'd have to eat it in front of her or my dad, and I totally cannot stand eating around people. I feel like they are constantly staring at me and judging me thinking how gross I am. Dad does stare at me when I eat, I feel extremely awkward and awful; I'm not even sure how to put it.
Oh, and they aren't very pleased with my mid-terms. I've failed three things in math class and two things in history. Then theres a bunch of shit I didn't hand in for english.
God, and my mom circled marks on the report card for each subject that she wasn't happy with. One assignment was almost an 80% and she circled it! I'm not fucking perfect already!! My dad gets mad if I don't get over 85% and my mom gets mad about random crap.
I'm excited because there's no school friday! I finally get to sleep in; it's been so hard to wake up everyday this week and get out of bed. I've just wanted to hide away forever.
Oh, so I have a YouTube account - no uploads yet. And a video about self harm popped up in the 'recommendations for you' section. I watched and I think it is very well done!
I'd like to share, heres the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWJTDG1SWC8&playnext_from=TL&videos=Dr0SfUiAlSo&feature=grec
Other news, hmmm. Well this weekend from having so many carbs my weight went up to 133lbs - which is so gross because a couple days before that I was near 120lbs. The past two days I've had under 100 calories in fruit/veggies and have done a fair amount of exercise so now I'm at 125lbs. Definitely not happy with that, I hope on losing another 5lbs by Sunday, and then 5lbs by the end of the first week of May. That would put me at 115lbs.
From there I have to lose at least 5 more pounds to be at a weight I am comfortable with.
It's getting so easy to not binge or even eat. Which I like, but also the logical side of my brain is telling me this isn't good because that means anorexia again ...
I do wish i could eat normally and be happy with my body .. uuugh.
Oh well, this is me.
Better go, I ramble too much!
PS: I will be posting pictures of my stomach / legs etc soon.
I had gymnastics after school and when I got back (although I was home briefly before) she immediately told me my supper was in the microwave. It was steak, potatoes and carrots. Not that bad but there was gravy. All I can think of when I see gravy is how fatty it seems. I complained and said I didn't want it, you know what my mom said? She was like, 'Either eat or or have nothing. There's no reason you can't have a decent supper."
Now, normal people would have reluctantly eaten it. But since I'm frigged up I choose not to eat it, but then as I was leaving the kitchen she said, "It better be eaten by 7:30!" (This was around 6.)
God, it's pissing me off. I was worried I'd have to eat it in front of her or my dad, and I totally cannot stand eating around people. I feel like they are constantly staring at me and judging me thinking how gross I am. Dad does stare at me when I eat, I feel extremely awkward and awful; I'm not even sure how to put it.
Oh, and they aren't very pleased with my mid-terms. I've failed three things in math class and two things in history. Then theres a bunch of shit I didn't hand in for english.
God, and my mom circled marks on the report card for each subject that she wasn't happy with. One assignment was almost an 80% and she circled it! I'm not fucking perfect already!! My dad gets mad if I don't get over 85% and my mom gets mad about random crap.
I'm excited because there's no school friday! I finally get to sleep in; it's been so hard to wake up everyday this week and get out of bed. I've just wanted to hide away forever.
Oh, so I have a YouTube account - no uploads yet. And a video about self harm popped up in the 'recommendations for you' section. I watched and I think it is very well done!
I'd like to share, heres the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWJTDG1SWC8&playnext_from=TL&videos=Dr0SfUiAlSo&feature=grec
Other news, hmmm. Well this weekend from having so many carbs my weight went up to 133lbs - which is so gross because a couple days before that I was near 120lbs. The past two days I've had under 100 calories in fruit/veggies and have done a fair amount of exercise so now I'm at 125lbs. Definitely not happy with that, I hope on losing another 5lbs by Sunday, and then 5lbs by the end of the first week of May. That would put me at 115lbs.
From there I have to lose at least 5 more pounds to be at a weight I am comfortable with.
It's getting so easy to not binge or even eat. Which I like, but also the logical side of my brain is telling me this isn't good because that means anorexia again ...
I do wish i could eat normally and be happy with my body .. uuugh.
Oh well, this is me.
Better go, I ramble too much!
PS: I will be posting pictures of my stomach / legs etc soon.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Days Fade Away, But Guilt Still Burns Inside Of Me
Heyo, it's been a few days since I've posted.
I'm not even sure what to say! :(
I didn't eat all that well at the end of last week, but we went out for supper to Swiss Chalet. I got a Veggie Burger and purged some after - in a public washroom, I hate doing that! My sister almost caught me.
Saturday I went for a run in the morning and I think I had a bit of fruit for breakfast. I was feeling good. We then went to my relatives' house for a some special church thing for my cousin.
I passed on all the treats at the church, and then we went back to their house for supper. There was pasta, bread, and salad. I wasn't hungry but my mom gave me this look like 'Are you going to eat?' So I had some salad. I had control when I was eating. But then my aunt brought out the most delicious chocolate cake. After that I had some, and then more, and more, and pasta, and bread with nutella, and candy. Then I went and purged most of it. God, I felt so awful.
Sunday I woke up and had a 'fuck this' attitude and I had a big breakfast; oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamin, four pieces of toast with peanut butter and something else that I can't remember. I ate so much all day long it was DISGUSTING.
Yesterday I was so reluctant to go to school, I had cut the night before and was feeling shitty. I just wanted to stay in bed all day.
I had double history first, and I had to write a quiz I missed the week previous. I got 12%. That's my worst mark ever.. My parents are going to be pissed.
I had first lunch and none of my friends were on it, at this point I had a really bad urge to cut, and sadly I did. I went to the bathroom and sliced my thigh a bit, then after bandaging it I called my mom asking if I could come home because I didn't feel good. She said, "What's going on with you?" I said nothing ... that I was just really tired. She told me that if I still felt like that in an hour to call home again.
So then I was just feeling really pissed off, I walked around the hallway some. i saw Lorraine standing by the front doors so I went to talk to her, she said she was going home. I kind of vented about how I wanted to go home but my mom wouldn't let me. So she said' "Just come with me!" I did that.
I spent the afternoon at Lorraine's house, we had slushies. I really didn't want to but I had already denied juice and french fries. At 2:45 (school ends at 3) her mom drove me back to the school, I went to the office and passed in a note I had written 'from my mother' excusing me for the afternoon. Then I walked home and pretended like nothing happened.
Today was an okay day. I had double english first and there was a test on the novel we read it class, well that we were supposed to read in class. I didn't read very much of it so I'm pretty sure I did really bad on the test considering I didn't even get the outline or anything.
Then there was dance class. That was okay. I felt like running out of the room and hiding though because the dance studio is filled with mirrors and I hate seeing myself in a mirror. I'm so ... blah.
I spent third lunch with a friend from dance class, her boyfriend and a few other people that I used to be freinds with in grade 5. It was a bit awkward because I really think that none of them like me, I think they're just using me. Her boyfriend has this joke that I'm his other girlfriend. He gave me three hugs today; one in the morning, one after english class and one at the end of the day. How weird. I bet he totally hates me and is just being sarcastic because no one honestly likes me. No one likes talking to me, I just know it. I'm such an annoyance and pain.
Yeah, then rest of the day was long and boring. I walked home by myself listening to my iPod like usual.
At 4pm I went for a run/walk for 45 minutes, then I came back and had a long bath.
I missed supper. But when I was walking back to my room I heard my parents talking about my eating habits. My dad said, "Oh I know, the only time she eats is 10:30 in the evening!" About fifteen minutes after that my mom called me down to eat but I said I wasn't hungry. She told me to come down anyways and she quizzed me about why I wasn't hungry, what I had eaten today and shit like that. She then said if I wasn't going to eat then, that I have to eat it by 7:00pm.
I don't know where the hell this came from, it's not like I'm underweight anymore. I'm at a "healthy" weight for my height (and I feel so god damn fat and ugly). But I think that Anorexic phase is happening, or going to. Because all I've eatn today is 10 baby carrots. That's less than 30 calories. And I don't want anything else. I hate knowing what's happening to me, I wish it would just happen like the two other times.
Anyways, I best go do my homework and 'eat supper.'
I'm not even sure what to say! :(
I didn't eat all that well at the end of last week, but we went out for supper to Swiss Chalet. I got a Veggie Burger and purged some after - in a public washroom, I hate doing that! My sister almost caught me.
Saturday I went for a run in the morning and I think I had a bit of fruit for breakfast. I was feeling good. We then went to my relatives' house for a some special church thing for my cousin.
I passed on all the treats at the church, and then we went back to their house for supper. There was pasta, bread, and salad. I wasn't hungry but my mom gave me this look like 'Are you going to eat?' So I had some salad. I had control when I was eating. But then my aunt brought out the most delicious chocolate cake. After that I had some, and then more, and more, and pasta, and bread with nutella, and candy. Then I went and purged most of it. God, I felt so awful.
Sunday I woke up and had a 'fuck this' attitude and I had a big breakfast; oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamin, four pieces of toast with peanut butter and something else that I can't remember. I ate so much all day long it was DISGUSTING.
Yesterday I was so reluctant to go to school, I had cut the night before and was feeling shitty. I just wanted to stay in bed all day.
I had double history first, and I had to write a quiz I missed the week previous. I got 12%. That's my worst mark ever.. My parents are going to be pissed.
I had first lunch and none of my friends were on it, at this point I had a really bad urge to cut, and sadly I did. I went to the bathroom and sliced my thigh a bit, then after bandaging it I called my mom asking if I could come home because I didn't feel good. She said, "What's going on with you?" I said nothing ... that I was just really tired. She told me that if I still felt like that in an hour to call home again.
So then I was just feeling really pissed off, I walked around the hallway some. i saw Lorraine standing by the front doors so I went to talk to her, she said she was going home. I kind of vented about how I wanted to go home but my mom wouldn't let me. So she said' "Just come with me!" I did that.
I spent the afternoon at Lorraine's house, we had slushies. I really didn't want to but I had already denied juice and french fries. At 2:45 (school ends at 3) her mom drove me back to the school, I went to the office and passed in a note I had written 'from my mother' excusing me for the afternoon. Then I walked home and pretended like nothing happened.
Today was an okay day. I had double english first and there was a test on the novel we read it class, well that we were supposed to read in class. I didn't read very much of it so I'm pretty sure I did really bad on the test considering I didn't even get the outline or anything.
Then there was dance class. That was okay. I felt like running out of the room and hiding though because the dance studio is filled with mirrors and I hate seeing myself in a mirror. I'm so ... blah.
I spent third lunch with a friend from dance class, her boyfriend and a few other people that I used to be freinds with in grade 5. It was a bit awkward because I really think that none of them like me, I think they're just using me. Her boyfriend has this joke that I'm his other girlfriend. He gave me three hugs today; one in the morning, one after english class and one at the end of the day. How weird. I bet he totally hates me and is just being sarcastic because no one honestly likes me. No one likes talking to me, I just know it. I'm such an annoyance and pain.
Yeah, then rest of the day was long and boring. I walked home by myself listening to my iPod like usual.
At 4pm I went for a run/walk for 45 minutes, then I came back and had a long bath.
I missed supper. But when I was walking back to my room I heard my parents talking about my eating habits. My dad said, "Oh I know, the only time she eats is 10:30 in the evening!" About fifteen minutes after that my mom called me down to eat but I said I wasn't hungry. She told me to come down anyways and she quizzed me about why I wasn't hungry, what I had eaten today and shit like that. She then said if I wasn't going to eat then, that I have to eat it by 7:00pm.
I don't know where the hell this came from, it's not like I'm underweight anymore. I'm at a "healthy" weight for my height (and I feel so god damn fat and ugly). But I think that Anorexic phase is happening, or going to. Because all I've eatn today is 10 baby carrots. That's less than 30 calories. And I don't want anything else. I hate knowing what's happening to me, I wish it would just happen like the two other times.
Anyways, I best go do my homework and 'eat supper.'
Sunday, April 18, 2010
...
I hate myself.
I am fat.
So grossly bloated.
I can't take it anymore.
I want to starve to death,
And on the way I will be thin.
I want to be pretty.
I want to be happy with myself.
I could hide away in my room for years.
Or even better, I could get away from everyone forever.
Even myself.
I can't stand seeing myself.
Even my hands.
They're just so fat, I can feel it when I close my fists.
I hate it.
My chin is fatter.
My cheeks are fatter, I feel it when I smile.
Even my feet and ankles are disgusting.
I want to die.
I don't want to put up with this,
So I eat.
The more I eat the worse I get.
It's a bad cycle.
Someone save me.
I am fat.
So grossly bloated.
I can't take it anymore.
I want to starve to death,
And on the way I will be thin.
I want to be pretty.
I want to be happy with myself.
I could hide away in my room for years.
Or even better, I could get away from everyone forever.
Even myself.
I can't stand seeing myself.
Even my hands.
They're just so fat, I can feel it when I close my fists.
I hate it.
My chin is fatter.
My cheeks are fatter, I feel it when I smile.
Even my feet and ankles are disgusting.
I want to die.
I don't want to put up with this,
So I eat.
The more I eat the worse I get.
It's a bad cycle.
Someone save me.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I've Got This New Disease In Me,
Hey there! I feel like I haven't posted in awhile, even though it's only been two days or so. Haha. And wow this week has been like hell.
YESTERDAY:
Tuesday I didn't go to school for any classes, I stayed home because I was tired (not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally.) I walked up to school at lunch time and hung out with my friend "Ruth" because we only have two lunches togther a week, and we don't have any classes together. After lunch I picked up the work I'd be missing in math class. (Advanced math, I don't want to get behind.)
Tuesday afternoon / evening I totally binged.
Well, now that I look at it; it wasn't even a full blown binge or anything. It was the amount of food someone normal would eat in the cycle of a day - maybe a bit more. But it was too much for me. I hated it. I didn't even want to eat, I didn't want the food, I really hated it. I was crying during eating but I couldn't stop. I felt like my hand just kept going to my mouth.
After eating I started to feel very suicidal, I went and had a hot bath and cut. These cuts were deeper than any on my wrist (god, why my wrist? I'm so stupid, it's hard to hide them.) I then started talking to Jeff, he told me to go on msn because his phone was being dumb. So I went on and vented to him, while crying my eyes out, about how I was sick of battling everything, about how I was sick of lying to my parents everyday when it comes to how I feel and so on. You get the point. He managed to calm me down and keep me alive. I love him so much.
Later on my mom made Chicken Quesadillas for supper.
She said, "because you like them."
Yes I love them, but they are so fattening and full of calories, I love them but they scare me. Eating supper was like I was in a trance, I ate three without even realising it or wanting to. But I had tears in my eyes as I did. What a way to make myself look like such a failure.
Once I realised what I'd done, all those feelings from earlier came back. It didn't help that I've been really unstable all this week and the week before anyways. I went and cut again - worse than earlier in the day. What scares me is that I didn't feel a thing when I cut, thats how screwed I am. I went deep and it bled a lot, but I didn't feel it.
I can't remember what I did after that, but I know I did a fair amount of crying and wanting to die. I took some more laxatives because I didn't want to puke but I needed to know the food was coming out soon.
Later on I think my Anorexia became more prominent. I was just totally hit, like BAM!, with the urge to exercise and not stop at all. I did 100 variations of situps, jumping jacks, squats and such. I didn't stop at all until I felt like passing out. Today I even left class to go to the "bathroom." What I really did was walk around and do exercises in the bathroom..
I then wanted gum but I couldn't bring myself to have some, all I could think was "calories, calories, carbs, fat, failure" and that I couldn't have any. I didn't brush my teeth that evening either, because the thought of unknown calories in toothpaste scares me so much. I never have been scared of toothpaste before ...
That night I was up every 30 minutes to go to the toilet (why do I use laxatives, why?!) And so I got a god awful sleep.
TODAY:
I woke up at 8am .. my alarm went off at 6:15am for me to get up and exercise and get ready for school but I totally slept through it. I was pissed because I was planning on being at school by 8am so I could talk to my math teacher about how I haven't been able to concentrate lately.
I got ready for school as fast as my brain would function. Which wasn't all that fast. But I was exhausted. I still was scared to brush my teeth.
When I got to school there wasn't time to talk to my teacher. So I just went to my locker and waited for someone to walk by I knew. I was hoping Karen and Lorraine would, but two other girls I don't know all that well did first and they got me to walk with them.
At the end of the double english, my friend (I guess you could call her a friend anyways) Jane came up to me and asked if I was okay because I looked "really tired and sad." I told her I'd be alright. I so desperately want to tell her the truth because shes intelligant, but there were people around. Plus she's gone through a suicidal phase (went into treatment for it), had depression, has OCD and is bipolar. She may sound like a total nutcase but shes such a sweetie and down to earth. Oh, and did I mention intelligant?
I only stayed at school for the first two subjects, then I went home after lunch. I'm missing math again.
When I got home, I curled up in a ball in my bed listening to music and cried a bit. I kept hoping to die, or fall asleep and not wake up. I fell asleep and slept up to supper time (didn't have any though.) It actually wasn't a bad sleep. Probably the best I've had all week.
I haven't eaten at all today, I can't. I just can't. I see what's going to happen to me though. I know I'm not going to be able to eat for awhile, I'm going to lose weight (yay! But not yay..) and all that shit again.. for the third time. *Sigh*
I feel so hypocritical because I've been trying to diet for awhile, and I've been fasting. But then I binge and purge. But now that Anorexia is taking place of well, my Bulimia, I don't even need to try.
I'm scared. The last two times this happened I didn't realise what was happening. But now I do. Maybe someone will finally notice I'm in pain..
YESTERDAY:
Tuesday I didn't go to school for any classes, I stayed home because I was tired (not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally.) I walked up to school at lunch time and hung out with my friend "Ruth" because we only have two lunches togther a week, and we don't have any classes together. After lunch I picked up the work I'd be missing in math class. (Advanced math, I don't want to get behind.)
Tuesday afternoon / evening I totally binged.
Well, now that I look at it; it wasn't even a full blown binge or anything. It was the amount of food someone normal would eat in the cycle of a day - maybe a bit more. But it was too much for me. I hated it. I didn't even want to eat, I didn't want the food, I really hated it. I was crying during eating but I couldn't stop. I felt like my hand just kept going to my mouth.
After eating I started to feel very suicidal, I went and had a hot bath and cut. These cuts were deeper than any on my wrist (god, why my wrist? I'm so stupid, it's hard to hide them.) I then started talking to Jeff, he told me to go on msn because his phone was being dumb. So I went on and vented to him, while crying my eyes out, about how I was sick of battling everything, about how I was sick of lying to my parents everyday when it comes to how I feel and so on. You get the point. He managed to calm me down and keep me alive. I love him so much.
Later on my mom made Chicken Quesadillas for supper.
She said, "because you like them."
Yes I love them, but they are so fattening and full of calories, I love them but they scare me. Eating supper was like I was in a trance, I ate three without even realising it or wanting to. But I had tears in my eyes as I did. What a way to make myself look like such a failure.
Once I realised what I'd done, all those feelings from earlier came back. It didn't help that I've been really unstable all this week and the week before anyways. I went and cut again - worse than earlier in the day. What scares me is that I didn't feel a thing when I cut, thats how screwed I am. I went deep and it bled a lot, but I didn't feel it.
I can't remember what I did after that, but I know I did a fair amount of crying and wanting to die. I took some more laxatives because I didn't want to puke but I needed to know the food was coming out soon.
Later on I think my Anorexia became more prominent. I was just totally hit, like BAM!, with the urge to exercise and not stop at all. I did 100 variations of situps, jumping jacks, squats and such. I didn't stop at all until I felt like passing out. Today I even left class to go to the "bathroom." What I really did was walk around and do exercises in the bathroom..
I then wanted gum but I couldn't bring myself to have some, all I could think was "calories, calories, carbs, fat, failure" and that I couldn't have any. I didn't brush my teeth that evening either, because the thought of unknown calories in toothpaste scares me so much. I never have been scared of toothpaste before ...
That night I was up every 30 minutes to go to the toilet (why do I use laxatives, why?!) And so I got a god awful sleep.
TODAY:
I woke up at 8am .. my alarm went off at 6:15am for me to get up and exercise and get ready for school but I totally slept through it. I was pissed because I was planning on being at school by 8am so I could talk to my math teacher about how I haven't been able to concentrate lately.
I got ready for school as fast as my brain would function. Which wasn't all that fast. But I was exhausted. I still was scared to brush my teeth.
When I got to school there wasn't time to talk to my teacher. So I just went to my locker and waited for someone to walk by I knew. I was hoping Karen and Lorraine would, but two other girls I don't know all that well did first and they got me to walk with them.
At the end of the double english, my friend (I guess you could call her a friend anyways) Jane came up to me and asked if I was okay because I looked "really tired and sad." I told her I'd be alright. I so desperately want to tell her the truth because shes intelligant, but there were people around. Plus she's gone through a suicidal phase (went into treatment for it), had depression, has OCD and is bipolar. She may sound like a total nutcase but shes such a sweetie and down to earth. Oh, and did I mention intelligant?
I only stayed at school for the first two subjects, then I went home after lunch. I'm missing math again.
When I got home, I curled up in a ball in my bed listening to music and cried a bit. I kept hoping to die, or fall asleep and not wake up. I fell asleep and slept up to supper time (didn't have any though.) It actually wasn't a bad sleep. Probably the best I've had all week.
I haven't eaten at all today, I can't. I just can't. I see what's going to happen to me though. I know I'm not going to be able to eat for awhile, I'm going to lose weight (yay! But not yay..) and all that shit again.. for the third time. *Sigh*
I feel so hypocritical because I've been trying to diet for awhile, and I've been fasting. But then I binge and purge. But now that Anorexia is taking place of well, my Bulimia, I don't even need to try.
I'm scared. The last two times this happened I didn't realise what was happening. But now I do. Maybe someone will finally notice I'm in pain..
Well I better leave it at that. I need to get back to my trigonomentry work. Byee. xox
Monday, April 12, 2010
Cutting + Bracelets
This is what my cutting has lead to.
When I first started cutting, it was on my hips and I said it'd stay there. Then it moved to my belly and sides. Then to my ankles, and finally to my wrists and arms which is something I dreaded and totally regret. Especially since summer is so soon!
Most of these are scars that have been there for awhile. They just won't go away!
As for the 'bracelets.'
I'm sick of hiding who I am and the struggles I face daily. So I've started wearing these. Probably not many people realise why, but it gives me a sense of comfort.
The black elastic is for self harm. That I am trying to recover from it.
The black elastic is for self harm. That I am trying to recover from it.
The red string is for my anorexic stages.
The yellow beads are for suicide.
The blue beads are for depression.
The green bead is for currently fasting. (I've realised I'm either fasting or I'm binging.)
The orange bead is also for self harm.
The purple beads are for my bulimic stages.
The pink beads are for what I probably have, EDNOS.
All I Need Is A Little Emotion
I'm supposed to be at school right now. But I walked home after lunch and got my mom to call in an excuse me, I said I was really tired. But honestly, I just don't want to be at school anymore. My brain is tired.
I should have stayed though, because when I got home I had this urge to binge. In my room, there were some chocolates sitting on my bed that my mom picked up for me at the grocery store. I chugged a liter of water and ate them, then sadly, and bowl of icecream. Purged it all until all I was purging was stomach acid. I'm so ashamed. But other than that I haven't eaten since Saturday evening, which I guess is okay.
I hopped on the scale after purging, but I got off so fast before I saw the true number. It did go up to almost 125lbs though. That sickens me. But I do think I am losing weight, my clothes are looser.
I want this, but I don't. I want to have food happily. Ergh.
Well better go be 'sick.'
Bye.
I should have stayed though, because when I got home I had this urge to binge. In my room, there were some chocolates sitting on my bed that my mom picked up for me at the grocery store. I chugged a liter of water and ate them, then sadly, and bowl of icecream. Purged it all until all I was purging was stomach acid. I'm so ashamed. But other than that I haven't eaten since Saturday evening, which I guess is okay.
I hopped on the scale after purging, but I got off so fast before I saw the true number. It did go up to almost 125lbs though. That sickens me. But I do think I am losing weight, my clothes are looser.
I want this, but I don't. I want to have food happily. Ergh.
Well better go be 'sick.'
Bye.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
If You Would Just Look Me In The Eye
Every week I say it's the new beginning and I am going to lose weight. Every week I mess up and restart. I've been doing this since February. I think it's about time to finally do it. Just do it. Make an effort not an excuse!
I still want to lose 20lbs this month, and at the beginning on the month I was almost 130lbs, today I am 125lbs. So thats 5lbs down. This means I have to lose 15lbs in 20 days; basically 15lbs in three weeks. So possible, it's ging to be really easy I think. I just actually have to stick to the plan I made. I cannot wait to be 110lbs by the end of the month! Its going to come fast, I know it. But I can do this. I hope.
I still am going to fast for 20 days, but with a some exceptions to help my metabolism:
1) April 17th -> liquid fast and some vegetables at supper. Stay under 500 calories.
2) April 18th -> 300 calories throughout the day in vegetables
3) April 24th -> 500 calories throughout the day in fruits and veggies.
4) April 25th -> 1000 throught the day in fruits and veggies.
5) April 26th to April 30th -> Liquid fast. Most likely orange juice at breakfast, water during the day and skim milk around the supper hour.
So there's 5 days out of 20 that I actually am going to be 'eating' something besides water. (Well I'll be having gum.)
I do have a plan for after these 20 days, to come off the fast and not gain weight:
1) May 1st to May 4th -> Fruit and Veggie Diet. (I did this in December, I had one serving of fruit or veggies three or four times a day. It worked well!)
2) May 5th to May 8th -> Smoothie Diet! (Never have done this before, but I'll drink homemade healthy smoothies twice a day, and have a bit of supper.)
3) May 9th -> 1500 calories. I will avoid binge foods, but I will allow myself some foods I haven't had in awhile.
One of these days I am going to have to break my diet at a friends house though, because Karen (friend who knows about my ED..) decided that someday soon I have to watch Titantic with her (never saw it) and we are going to get MacDonalds (because I've only ever eaten in three times in my life) and make slushies (with Lorraine's slushie maker, she is also going to be there.) So that day I imagine I'll go over 1500 calories! Eeek! I'm going to try to make this happen on one of my days I have planned to eat much, but I may hve to shift a few days around. :( Oh well.
After I get to my goal weight of 105lbs to 110lbs, I am going to stick with the following to lose a bit more/maintain:
1) 500 calories daily with the exception of 2000 calories once every two weeks.
2) 25g carbs, 25g fat, 15g protein, 100mg sodium. I am aware these are much under what I should have.
3) Multivitamin three times a week
4) 5 bottles of water daily, at least.
5) No junk food or fast food!
6) Only meat allowed is chicken, preferably no skin and not breaded.
7) Three servings of grains weekly.
Anyways, enough blabbing on about my diet. I hope you enjoyed that 'little' summary. (Oh I have so much more typed up on a word document.)
I will now tell you about my day.
I was up until 3:00 something this morning sicne I binged yesterday evening. I never like to go to sleep after a binge because I'm scared I won't burn all the calories. About an hour after my binge I went for a walk to the store and bought two types of laxatives, extra strength tylenol (tylenol addict alert!) , some bandages (for when I cut ... even though I don't plan on cutting soon.) and two packs of Exel Mist Gum - it's new!
When I got home I took 4 laxative pills and I drank a tbsp of the other type (I know laxatives don't help you lose weight, i know they are dangerous, but my intestines get backed up after a binge.) So yeah .. they did their thing later on. And I took another drink on the liquid laxative and two more pills this morning.
I was supposed to go to church, but I didn't want to. I am faking sick so that it's easier to fast today and so I can be undisturbed in my room.
Unfortunately, I am missing a course required for me to complete my training as a gymnastics coach. This means I will have to wait longer to work. But I need to get skinny! And my parents would have made me eat supper tonight after the course, that can't happen.
I have done some exercise today too, not much at all, but more than I usually do. I used to do a lot more but I got lazy when my binge & purge cycle began in January.
Anyways I better go, I'll update later with pictures of clothing I hope to get when I finally lose weight.
PEACE! STAY STRONG! xox
Oh PS:
I am going to make a schedule with my diet plan on each day, work on my ED journal, print off thinspo pics, and update my list of the nutritional facts of food on it. But all this after I do my math homework that was due a week ago ... Ickk..
Wow I am so sorry I talk, well type, so much.
I still want to lose 20lbs this month, and at the beginning on the month I was almost 130lbs, today I am 125lbs. So thats 5lbs down. This means I have to lose 15lbs in 20 days; basically 15lbs in three weeks. So possible, it's ging to be really easy I think. I just actually have to stick to the plan I made. I cannot wait to be 110lbs by the end of the month! Its going to come fast, I know it. But I can do this. I hope.
I still am going to fast for 20 days, but with a some exceptions to help my metabolism:
1) April 17th -> liquid fast and some vegetables at supper. Stay under 500 calories.
2) April 18th -> 300 calories throughout the day in vegetables
3) April 24th -> 500 calories throughout the day in fruits and veggies.
4) April 25th -> 1000 throught the day in fruits and veggies.
5) April 26th to April 30th -> Liquid fast. Most likely orange juice at breakfast, water during the day and skim milk around the supper hour.
So there's 5 days out of 20 that I actually am going to be 'eating' something besides water. (Well I'll be having gum.)
I do have a plan for after these 20 days, to come off the fast and not gain weight:
1) May 1st to May 4th -> Fruit and Veggie Diet. (I did this in December, I had one serving of fruit or veggies three or four times a day. It worked well!)
2) May 5th to May 8th -> Smoothie Diet! (Never have done this before, but I'll drink homemade healthy smoothies twice a day, and have a bit of supper.)
3) May 9th -> 1500 calories. I will avoid binge foods, but I will allow myself some foods I haven't had in awhile.
One of these days I am going to have to break my diet at a friends house though, because Karen (friend who knows about my ED..) decided that someday soon I have to watch Titantic with her (never saw it) and we are going to get MacDonalds (because I've only ever eaten in three times in my life) and make slushies (with Lorraine's slushie maker, she is also going to be there.) So that day I imagine I'll go over 1500 calories! Eeek! I'm going to try to make this happen on one of my days I have planned to eat much, but I may hve to shift a few days around. :( Oh well.
After I get to my goal weight of 105lbs to 110lbs, I am going to stick with the following to lose a bit more/maintain:
1) 500 calories daily with the exception of 2000 calories once every two weeks.
2) 25g carbs, 25g fat, 15g protein, 100mg sodium. I am aware these are much under what I should have.
3) Multivitamin three times a week
4) 5 bottles of water daily, at least.
5) No junk food or fast food!
6) Only meat allowed is chicken, preferably no skin and not breaded.
7) Three servings of grains weekly.
Anyways, enough blabbing on about my diet. I hope you enjoyed that 'little' summary. (Oh I have so much more typed up on a word document.)
I will now tell you about my day.
I was up until 3:00 something this morning sicne I binged yesterday evening. I never like to go to sleep after a binge because I'm scared I won't burn all the calories. About an hour after my binge I went for a walk to the store and bought two types of laxatives, extra strength tylenol (tylenol addict alert!) , some bandages (for when I cut ... even though I don't plan on cutting soon.) and two packs of Exel Mist Gum - it's new!
When I got home I took 4 laxative pills and I drank a tbsp of the other type (I know laxatives don't help you lose weight, i know they are dangerous, but my intestines get backed up after a binge.) So yeah .. they did their thing later on. And I took another drink on the liquid laxative and two more pills this morning.
I was supposed to go to church, but I didn't want to. I am faking sick so that it's easier to fast today and so I can be undisturbed in my room.
Unfortunately, I am missing a course required for me to complete my training as a gymnastics coach. This means I will have to wait longer to work. But I need to get skinny! And my parents would have made me eat supper tonight after the course, that can't happen.
I have done some exercise today too, not much at all, but more than I usually do. I used to do a lot more but I got lazy when my binge & purge cycle began in January.
Anyways I better go, I'll update later with pictures of clothing I hope to get when I finally lose weight.
PEACE! STAY STRONG! xox
Oh PS:
I am going to make a schedule with my diet plan on each day, work on my ED journal, print off thinspo pics, and update my list of the nutritional facts of food on it. But all this after I do my math homework that was due a week ago ... Ickk..
Wow I am so sorry I talk, well type, so much.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Some Inspiration Of Myself, For Myself
These pictures are from November and December 2009.
The pictures in the bottom left and top right are me at my low weight. (110lbs dressed)
The other two are what I averagly looked like. (115lbsish)
The pictures in the bottom left and top right are me at my low weight. (110lbs dressed)
The other two are what I averagly looked like. (115lbsish)
I lost these pictures for awhile (they were on a USB drive.) When I finally found them I was a bit surprised because I thought I was so fat. But I know I am now, and I want back there so bad. I was happy and less ugly.
I Can't Do This, Oh God, I Need Your Help
I'm so sick of this. I was fasting and feeling great, having lost 4lbs in just under two days. Then my god damned mother decided I had to eat with the family (I pretty much never have supper with them anymore.) I ended up over eating! FUCKMYLIFE! I'm such a fat pig! I was doing so good until now, so good. I'm right pissed especially since a lot of the foods were high in carbs; potatoes, bread. And there was peanut butter with the bread so thats a lot of protein which will make it harder for me to lsoe muscle mass! (Yes I want to lose muscle mass, I'll lose anything to be lighter/)
I'm still going to go with my fasting for 20 days. this is just going to set me back. I need to work harder. I need to be at 110lbs by the end of the month. I've got to do this or I think I'll pretty much kill myself. I'm sick of being a failure.
I've done some searching and most people lose 7lbs + on a water fast for a week. I lost 5lbs in 4 days last time so I bet I can lose almost 10lbs if I water fast from now until next Saturday. I'm going to do this. I need to be happy with myself. I need to. I really don't want to have to, but I need to.
Sadly I feel like I'm fighting a battle about this. As much as I want to be thinner and stuff, I wish I could be happy with who I am now, with my weight. I wish I could sit down and enjoy a meal without worrying about binging and purging, or getting fat, or calories, or carbs or anything. I want to eat normally. To hardly ever feel so stuffed I can't breathe. I want to be normal. Normal doesn't work for me though. Trying to eat normal and people tryting to make me eat normal has just caused me to gain weight and feel even shittier. I don't think my parents realised why I wasn't at a healthy weight, but I wish they did because now my body has recovered but my mind and emotions haven't. The image isn't there anymore, I don't have the body I used to have from trying to be pain free. I still have all those feelings inside me though, they want out, they need an outlet, and they are getting worse because this isn't working. Stupid over eating. Stupid bulimia. Stupid stupid stupid!
I feel as if no one knows the pain I am in, and they won't know because I'm bad at expressing myself and my emotions verbally. I so desperately want help so I can live a care free life. But that isn't going to happen unless people realise whats wrong because I am so scared to get help, I'm so scared they won't believe me. I know they wouldn't. They'd think I was doing this for attention. But I hate attention. I like to blend in.
I want to be sickly thin, so underweight that when people see me they won't have a doubt in their mind that I have an Eating Disorder, because right now I don't look like it. I want people to be able to see my pain so they won't make jokes about EDs and self harm around me. I want them to realise who I truely am. I want to know that I am loved for who I am not for who people think I am. I want to be open to the world but at the same time I want to be away by myself never to see any human being again.
I wish none of this shit happened to me, why me? What have I done wrong? I know I'm not a good person, but do I really need this?
Sometimes I trick myself into believing that I am not eating right because I choose not to, but thats a game my mind likes to play. I didn't chose to not eat right, as a matter of fact its a love-hate thing. I love the empty hollow feeling in my stomach, it pretty much masks the emotions of guilt and pain and saddness I experience daily. It brings me a sense of beauty that I never have. But at the same time I wish I could go eat a sandwich and be content with just that. But I've never been able to eat one thing and not want anything else. Once I start I don't want to stop, well I do want to stop. But I can't. It doesn't happen. I cry and cry while eating somedays. But on the other hand, I have days when I cry because no matter how much I want that apple I just cannot eat it.
I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm so fed up with it. How come I have to do this? I wish it would just go away. If it isn't going to do that, can I please just lose weight? I'm such a sick and twisted person. I want to end up in the hospital with a feeding tube down my nose because I won't eat enough, because at least then I know people will be aware of the hurt I feel, of the battle I fight daily, of how it's starting to consume my spirit and personality. I want free from this.
I'm still going to go with my fasting for 20 days. this is just going to set me back. I need to work harder. I need to be at 110lbs by the end of the month. I've got to do this or I think I'll pretty much kill myself. I'm sick of being a failure.
I've done some searching and most people lose 7lbs + on a water fast for a week. I lost 5lbs in 4 days last time so I bet I can lose almost 10lbs if I water fast from now until next Saturday. I'm going to do this. I need to be happy with myself. I need to. I really don't want to have to, but I need to.
Sadly I feel like I'm fighting a battle about this. As much as I want to be thinner and stuff, I wish I could be happy with who I am now, with my weight. I wish I could sit down and enjoy a meal without worrying about binging and purging, or getting fat, or calories, or carbs or anything. I want to eat normally. To hardly ever feel so stuffed I can't breathe. I want to be normal. Normal doesn't work for me though. Trying to eat normal and people tryting to make me eat normal has just caused me to gain weight and feel even shittier. I don't think my parents realised why I wasn't at a healthy weight, but I wish they did because now my body has recovered but my mind and emotions haven't. The image isn't there anymore, I don't have the body I used to have from trying to be pain free. I still have all those feelings inside me though, they want out, they need an outlet, and they are getting worse because this isn't working. Stupid over eating. Stupid bulimia. Stupid stupid stupid!
I feel as if no one knows the pain I am in, and they won't know because I'm bad at expressing myself and my emotions verbally. I so desperately want help so I can live a care free life. But that isn't going to happen unless people realise whats wrong because I am so scared to get help, I'm so scared they won't believe me. I know they wouldn't. They'd think I was doing this for attention. But I hate attention. I like to blend in.
I want to be sickly thin, so underweight that when people see me they won't have a doubt in their mind that I have an Eating Disorder, because right now I don't look like it. I want people to be able to see my pain so they won't make jokes about EDs and self harm around me. I want them to realise who I truely am. I want to know that I am loved for who I am not for who people think I am. I want to be open to the world but at the same time I want to be away by myself never to see any human being again.
I wish none of this shit happened to me, why me? What have I done wrong? I know I'm not a good person, but do I really need this?
Sometimes I trick myself into believing that I am not eating right because I choose not to, but thats a game my mind likes to play. I didn't chose to not eat right, as a matter of fact its a love-hate thing. I love the empty hollow feeling in my stomach, it pretty much masks the emotions of guilt and pain and saddness I experience daily. It brings me a sense of beauty that I never have. But at the same time I wish I could go eat a sandwich and be content with just that. But I've never been able to eat one thing and not want anything else. Once I start I don't want to stop, well I do want to stop. But I can't. It doesn't happen. I cry and cry while eating somedays. But on the other hand, I have days when I cry because no matter how much I want that apple I just cannot eat it.
I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm so fed up with it. How come I have to do this? I wish it would just go away. If it isn't going to do that, can I please just lose weight? I'm such a sick and twisted person. I want to end up in the hospital with a feeding tube down my nose because I won't eat enough, because at least then I know people will be aware of the hurt I feel, of the battle I fight daily, of how it's starting to consume my spirit and personality. I want free from this.
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